The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

. I was sitting in my doctors chair waiting to be told that my four biopsies came back benign. So, when my doc came in to inform me that 3 were I was very pleased to hear the news, because that is what I expected. The unexpected occurred when he told my my four biopsy came back malignant.  I sat there for a moment absolutely still with my mind and emotions on pause trying to make sense of what I heard. Then the realization of what he said hit me and fear welled up from my belly to the back of my throat. Stunned would be about as accurate a word as any for how I took in the information at that exact moment. So, I'm sitting there and a flood of memories and emotions rattle me like a shock from a live electrical wire. I had to kind of take a labored breath and get my vision to focus on the doctor and ask, "What?" I new I had heard him right, but somehow I needed to hear it again and he did. With that I settled my emotions focused on the conversation and payed close attent

. These last few months have been filled with ups and downs that are expected in the life of someone who is rebuilding their life after burning it down to the ground. The great thing about it all is that I have not found it necessary to avoid how life is making me feel by taking a drink or ingesting some drug. In fact, I have been able to sit with my emotions and lean into them in a way that actually reduces the discomfort they use to cause me. These last five moths have seen me face new challenges and fears to include my last semester in school on my way to earning a bachelors degree from Texas A&M - San Antonio. I took some on-line course I was deathly afraid of due to my lack of experience with them (I earned two A's). I also had to take a course based on statistics that required an experiment I had to develop, complete and write about (I earned an A).  There were many obstacles I had to overcome, the biggest being my own mind and how it can try to convince me I am not ca

. The nights have been the most ardguious for me to manage. When the last meeting of the day is over. When my AA family is home living their lives. When the last phone call is made. The time will inevitably come when I find myself acutely aware of the silence, the loneliness, the heartache and I sit with it all. Not fighting, not questioning, not running away. I hold on to the deep resolve I have within for just one more second, one more minute, one more hour until it passes. Then, sometime in the night I fall asleep to wake up and go to one more meeting, meet one more AA friend, make one more call so when I find myself acutely aware I can make it one more day. These moments are the miracles of AA because right now I should be drunk or high running from my tender heart soaked feelings, but I'm imperfectly living it one moment at a time. I don't know where I'd be without the rooms and those who fill them. I've been listening to a lot of sad songs. It seems that I want