The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

. Being so comfortably happy is an odd luxury I never really experienced before. Yes I have experienced happiness many many times in my life, but I was always preceded by some type of event/action. When I was the first person in my family to tree graduated from college-there was the effort of going to school. When I fell for a guy there was the effort of accepting a date or asking someone out then going on the date. You get the picture of what I mean in that regard. What I am talking about is just appreciating life and enjoy it form the great achievements to the just sitting on a meditation cushion and being happy at the process of one's own breath. Sometimes like today I catch myself at how much I really enjoy being alive and how really pay attention to my moments in life. For example, today I was in bed watching tv and I sat up, when I did I notice my dog, Precious, sitting on the floor relaxing. She looked up at me and I smiled and I felt joy arise from within. I reached over

. Well it happened today, Steve and my application for an apartment was approved and if all goes as planed I will be moving in January. Over all I am looking forward to it, but a very small part of me way back where it is dark and quiet a bit of fear lays there waiting to rush out and give me an anxiety attack. The fear I believe is that for the first time I feel so sure that I am not only in love, but that Steve loves me just as much as I love him. A first for me if I look back at my 3 previous relationships which I did with my couples counselor. Also, just the idea of moving in with another human being has its complications within itself and love and a single bed and it's a chemistry lab it can go either way. I have high hopes and really no concerns that we will make it. In fact I am very excited to get this next chapter of my life going, but as two recovering alcoholics it adds a bit of unpradictability to the whole situation. I feel real good about my decission to go ahead

. I have been working with my therapist for almost a year now and we have gotten to know each other very well and have developed a healthy respect for each other. I know deep down inside that he has my best interest at heart, but most importantly he cares for my well being and that is what makes me trust his judgment. After my overdose we had discussed some boundaries for myself and the one that seemed the most crucial was my relationship with Steve. When I entered the relationship it did become a catalyst to my relapse, but Steve himself was not the absolute for my relapse. From that relapse is what lead to my overdose and eventual two month hospitalization. When I sat with my therapist we discusses all the above in depth and decided that if I was to stay and continue my relationship with Steve we needed to set some healthy boundaries. The one of the boundaries he suggested was setting a 1 year time frame before we moved in together and at the time I thought that was reasonable.

. Before the overdose Mario and I really were not speaking at all. In fact things had gotten to a point where I thought I lost our relationship as it had once been. In rehab I tried to reconnect and he seemed willing, but his actions said something completely different. Mario was at the hospital everyday for a week until he had to go back to work and I know that time must have been terrible painful for him not only because we were brothers, but we had worked so hard since his teen years to become friends as well. On two occasions my mother had to call him because the doctors believed I would be gone by days end and so he came. Then the miraculous happened, I fought back and survived when many believed I had really done my self in this time. Mario came to visit me also when I was starting to remember the days pass by. It was nice to have him there and somehow the past was no longer important and it seemed all things had been forgiven, but not forgotten. I was not to really know thi