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The Fellowship Has Sustained Me

. The last three days have been the most difficult in sobriety I have had to face. The fear and anxiety from my cancer diagnosis has been overwhelming. I don’t know why, but I feel awkward telling people what cancer I have, Carcinoma of the Anus, because of the location. Then again I don’t shy away from telling people when they ask because it is the truth. The research shows some good 5-year survivor rates for stage I and II, but they go down dramatically for stage IIIA and IIIB and the worst is stage 3, which is terminal. My cancer was described as invasive, which leads me to believe it is at least stage II.. I keep getting a sense of great foreboding that has me in tears daily. I keep reminding myself stay present because right here right now I am okay and have everything I need. As I have learned in AA, I have been going to a lot of meetings and sharing how I am staying sober through this. I am a strong believer of not dumping in meetings because how is that suppose to pr
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I Have Cancer, Again.

. I'm sitting in my doctors office needing medication for an infections I got when I ask her about my biopsy the week before. I know I should wait for my appointment to meet the surgeon, but having had five cancers before I already know the routine. When she pulls up my information on the computer and immediately I can see that I have cancer again. She looks at me and says "I don't know if I should tell you." I almost laugh at this because that statement pretty much confirms what I was able to garner from her body language and facial expressions. I take a moment to let the news sink in and and a rush of emotions him me in the middle of the chest. Its an ugly feeling that feels cold and wrapped with a electric shock of anxiety. I can't believe it, well I can, but what are the chances of having cancer six times and four of those be different types of cancers. Interestingly my mind stops thinking and I only feel the physical manifestations of the emotions that are
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26,373 Hours, 1,099 Days, 36.06 Months, or 3 Years Sober

. Regardless of how the time adds up it's a MIRACLE all the same. The 3 year mark from my last drink it a profound reminder of how fortunately I am to be alive and flourishing because of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. It took 15 continuous years of one (really hundereds) alcoholic reaching out to me to finally get it: The Miracle of Sobriety. Contentment was a state of mind I thought I wanted nothing to do with. In fact if I was not having a blast I thought I was loosing out on "living" life. How wrong I was!! When I heard or read "Don't leave Until the Miracle Happens" I thought it mean not obsessing or craving my next drink. Well, I was way off the mark. Contentment has been a huge realization that mimics the preverbal "pink cloud" newcomers talk about in meetings, but is much more satisfying and sustainable. I never realized what contentment was or even felt like until about 18 months ago and it has yet to dissipate. I also never realized
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Exhausted

. I can't believe it has been over a year since I last posted. Time seems to have passed with great efficiency and calm. I am doing much better and just celebrated four years of sobriety after enduring fifteen years of continuous relapses and the accompanying suffering. Life has change dramatically for me and have found a new happiness that is hard to express. Sometimes the human language is limited in its ability to express exactly what I want to say. I do not know where to begin in catching you up on how my life has been transformed due to my work in AA. What I can say is that I do consider myself the happiest person I know. When I say this in meetings people tend to look at me funny, but is that not what we want out of life. Today, I will make a commitment to update my blog at least once a week as a way to be grateful for what I have today and in hopes that my blog will one day may help someone through their joinery into sobriety. Sobriety can be exhausting, but I am very
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A Fifth Time Is Not A Charm

. I was sitting in my doctors chair waiting to be told that my four biopsies came back benign. So, when my doc came in to inform me that 3 were I was very pleased to hear the news, because that is what I expected. The unexpected occurred when he told my my four biopsy came back malignant.  I sat there for a moment absolutely still with my mind and emotions on pause trying to make sense of what I heard. Then the realization of what he said hit me and fear welled up from my belly to the back of my throat. Stunned would be about as accurate a word as any for how I took in the information at that exact moment. So, I'm sitting there and a flood of memories and emotions rattle me like a shock from a live electrical wire. I had to kind of take a labored breath and get my vision to focus on the doctor and ask, "What?" I new I had heard him right, but somehow I needed to hear it again and he did. With that I settled my emotions focused on the conversation and payed close attent
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The True Miracle

. These last few months have been filled with ups and downs that are expected in the life of someone who is rebuilding their life after burning it down to the ground. The great thing about it all is that I have not found it necessary to avoid how life is making me feel by taking a drink or ingesting some drug. In fact, I have been able to sit with my emotions and lean into them in a way that actually reduces the discomfort they use to cause me. These last five moths have seen me face new challenges and fears to include my last semester in school on my way to earning a bachelors degree from Texas A&M - San Antonio. I took some on-line course I was deathly afraid of due to my lack of experience with them (I earned two A's). I also had to take a course based on statistics that required an experiment I had to develop, complete and write about (I earned an A).  There were many obstacles I had to overcome, the biggest being my own mind and how it can try to convince me I am not ca
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These are the Miracles of AA

. The nights have been the most ardguious for me to manage. When the last meeting of the day is over. When my AA family is home living their lives. When the last phone call is made. The time will inevitably come when I find myself acutely aware of the silence, the loneliness, the heartache and I sit with it all. Not fighting, not questioning, not running away. I hold on to the deep resolve I have within for just one more second, one more minute, one more hour until it passes. Then, sometime in the night I fall asleep to wake up and go to one more meeting, meet one more AA friend, make one more call so when I find myself acutely aware I can make it one more day. These moments are the miracles of AA because right now I should be drunk or high running from my tender heart soaked feelings, but I'm imperfectly living it one moment at a time. I don't know where I'd be without the rooms and those who fill them. I've been listening to a lot of sad songs. It seems that I want
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