The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

.      After 14 years of repeatedly enter Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting for another 24 hour (sobriety) chip, I think I have earned the right to rant this one time. I can not say that this tirade is justifiable or even healthy, but I feel I should share with you where I stand as I begin this journey one more fuck'in time. To say I am angry would be a tremendous understatement. There are other words like enraged, furious, incensed, inflamed, infuriated, irate, outraged, rabid, riled, roiled, sore, wrathful, wroth, cross, livid, seething, worked up, acrid, acrimonious, antagonistic, antipathetic, bitter, embittered, inimical, malevolent, rancorous, resentful, virulent, aggravated, annoyed, cantankerous, exasperated, ornery, and pugnacious that I could use to describe my acidic attitude at this moment. I also know that this feeling is about the best I can do with my frustration and bewilderment at my inability to sober.      You want to know what really pisses me off? Well I wil

     "I'm in a lot of trouble. The drugs got me bad. I'm thinking of killing myself. Will you come and help me?" Is the first contact I have with my brother in just about a year. He is unaware that I have actually attempted to end my life several hours ago and failed. Sending that text was a torturous endeavor, I was shaking uncontrollably, fighting off a panic attack that was trying to consume me and overwhelmed by emotions I was unable to identify. The people around me are also addicts, but unlike me they have been having a great time so far and are okay with their drug use. In fact they are looking to score some more and in a sick and sad way I wish I was more like them. Instead I look at them in awe trying to figure out why I struggle so badly and they do not. I also contemplate what makes me hate myself for being a drug addict and why that is not enough for me to stop. My thoughts go back to my phone terrified that my brother will not respond to my text. What am