The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

.      Well it has taken 40 years to find my place in spirituality and finally I can say I have found the path that fits my spiritual needs. I was brought up Catholic and thought nothing of it until I started to realize that I liked other boys and that I was going to hell. That I was scum, unwanted, condemned and terrorized by a faith I was to use as a support system to get me through my trials and tribulations. Things got so bad that one afternoon I had decided I would have to end my life, but someone stepped in and helped me see that there were other choices. Ironically that person was a Catholic priest in the military who understood my plight. With his help I was able to finally accept who I was and that I was worth more that what people of faith said I was. For that I am grateful and fortunate to still be here.      For years after I tried to have a better connection with a Catholic God as I was taught, but could never seem to make that deep inner faith connection. Years later

.      As I entered the 28 day treatment center 28 days ago I was angry, frustrated, sad and broken. I was so broken I was unable to see past my despair, I couldn't see past any of my emotions. Bringing hope back was just something I could even fathom. My spirit had been beaten to a dull thud and my mind had been securely shut. Here I was on day one and I did not want any part of what anyone had. I just did see how another treatment center was going to make things better. I was told to come in with an open heart and to listen as if it were the first time, that was going to be a challenge of great proportions. So with the fading desire to live (really) I held on and tried to be open-minded.      So when I meet Juan, another client, I was distant, apathetic, detached. I was lead around and informed of the facilities and the actual 28 day treatment program from a patient perspective. My body language and facial expressions plus my lack of engagement was a clear indicator to all to