The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

. Work with my sponsor and AA meetings was the first of the of my five things I needed to do to change my life for the better. It all starts with staying sober and doing what is asked of me by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and by my sponsor's suggestions. I am aware very keenly that everything is contingent of the success of this goal. Honestly, I will admit to being distracted by my relationship with Steve and that may have impacted my priorities at the beginning. What I found surprising is that it was not the main factor to my lack of attending meetings and staying in contact with my sponsor. Some where in the end of october thru December until the first of Janurary I did not go to as many meeting I needed to. Then I ended my relationship with Steve and I have been at the center of AA with no looking back. I intend to keep it that way too. What has been the most difficult has been the lack of the imenant need to go becasue of fear of relapse due to the change that occu

. I have a one year plan that came as a result of being on life support and having to work so hard just to be able to brush my teeth. I wish that was a joke, but there was a point that I was incapable of sitting upright from a lying position. Then when I could my heart rate would shoot out of control and I would need medication to help me get my panic attack under control because I thought I was going to suffocate. When I finally was able to leave the hospital and start looking at what happened and why. I decided to really take a serious inventory of my life up to that point. What was clear was that I never really took care of myself, never. So I came up with a one year plan to make sure I did do what I was never able to in the past, put me first in a healthy way. So when I walked into my therapist office back in Septermber I had my one year plan ready and this is what he read.                                                    ONE YEAR GOAL 1. Work on my sobriety with my spo

. I don't have the words to express how happy I am even though I have my struggles. Gratitude doesn't seem to fit the bill for the kind of love I feel toward people who have been so kind and supportive. Grateful doesn't seem to encompass how I feel to be alive and to be me and that I am happy with both. I sit sometimes alone and to just be and I have this feeling that starts arising from deep within. There are no words when this happens there is just awareness. As it starts to surface I start to feel a deep and profound gentleness that starts to tear me up and warm my chest. When it reaches the surface I see the world in such a different light than before. This world is so beautiful and the things that are in it are amazing and I am a part of it. When that happens I am so in tune with everything around me in a way that makes me finally feel a part of not apart from. I start to think about all those people I hurt and my heart aches for their pain. I want to comfort them b

. I need treatment for PTSD because I am now starting to sleep with a knife again. I also am getting about 2 hours of sleep at night when my body can no longer stay awake. I'm even on anti-anxiety medication and it is not helping me much right now. My assignment is to write the most stressful experience you have experienced. I have two and both are bad in different ways. I can't choose between them so here they are. A Locked Door, Frozen I was lying in bed asleep in the middle of the night. When I hear a huge violent crash and I knew instinctively what it was. My father had smashed in the back door with one vicious strike. I know what his mission is and I know mine as well it’s been this way for a few months now. Without thought I react as alway. With an effortless swoop of the top bunk My 10 year old body lands on the wooden floor and see my terrified mother running down the hall. I know she is going to go out the front door as she had in the past and I am to go out the

. How does one explain the pains of alcoholism to those who are incapable of comprehending the alcoholic torture I have endured. Worse how do I explain it in the room full of alcoholics who have seen me time and time again pick up another sobriety chip. Frankly, I do not know because I don't have the words to express how it is I feel. The words I do possess which are boundless and fruitful do not posses the impact of what I have experience these futile years of attempted sobriety. What I can tell you is that the gratitude I feel well up within in it's purest form of love for surviving the obsession, compulsion and craving I thought was destine to end my life. I sit here full of emotion that expresses itself with tension, a rapid heart beat. deeper and deeper breathing, the welling up of tears and I am full of joy to have survived my deadliest disease. I'm alive and I am dumbfounded by it. I sit here with the largest smile chuckling at the insanity of it all and as well a

. I love my ring and what it stands for. When Steve and I went to get them we got the cheapest one's we could afford. I thought they would be temporary until we could afford something more ornate and expensive. As time passed I realized that I did not want another ring that this ring was the one that we were suppose to have and that it bounded us together. It secured our hopes, dreams, love, desires and everything two people want out of a relationship till death do us part. As I sit here writing I am overwhelmed by my sadness over our relationships end. I want to just break down and cry until my eyes get puffy, my eyes turn sold red and my tear ducks run dry. I hurt for his love, his touch, his smile upon looking at me. I yearn for his comport and the security I felt in his presence most of all I just want us not to be over. I miss him so much and I work really hard not to run away from my grieving heart. Especially now with the cold and rain beating down on him somewhere out on

. On 1-7-11 I had to go to the Family Advocacy Center to get a protective order/restraining order against Steve. It was one of the saddest moments of my entire life. To have to go thru legal channels to protect myself from someone I love so dearly. Steve had no choice but to contact my family members to try to get to me since I changed my phone number within 30 minutes of hanging up on him.  I told him would no longer be involved in a relationship with him and the only reason is because he drank. I really needed him to know that was the only reason I was ending our relationship. He called my mother once and has repeatedly called my brother drunk and has left some very threatening phone calls. He is very angry and has no way to deal with it so he has decided to choose me as his outlet. The problem is since he has  been violent with me in the past I had to get help. I believe him when he says he it coming to get me and that frightens me. So, when my brother said, "you should go

. I remember quite vividly the day of October 5, 1993 it was the day that should have changed how I lived my life just like I've seen in movies, read in a book or see on a t.v. show. I knew what the news was going to be, how I don't know but I knew. I couldn't sit in the same room with the others it was just too frightening so I sat in the main triage room until the nurse came over and told me my physician was ready for me. As I walked to her office I'm sure I had had a conversation going on in my head, but what I remember most is how I felt in that exact moment. Afraid, alone, panic and self restraint I wish bravery was one I felt, but it wasn't. I walked into the room and the doctor greeted me with a nice smile and asked me to sit. Then she told me, "Benny, your results came back positive." She let me sit and contemplate what I had just heard, I was HIV+. I was not surprised I would get it, but now of all times. I had been sexually active only twice i

. For several months now I have been filled with thoughts of Jo, Robyn and Debbie. Three wonderful and kind hearted women who became friends and were my employers. Because of my drinking and drugging I put them in a professional quandary in regards as what to do with a friend they really care about who is not living up to the professional standards that are required. Two of these women are aware of my addiction and have tried to work with me, but as only an addict can do I pushed them to the point of having to let me go. I created the situation and I was well aware what needed to occur I was just unaware of how much it would hurt to lose my positions I loved so dearly. So, for months and months I wanted to go and make amends to these women, but found myself unable to because of my addiction. I could not safely go and tell them one more time I was sorry without having something substantial that they would notice enough to be open to the idea that I not only meant it but, was going

. Steve called me today (1-1-11) at 4:30pm drunk. At 1:30pm we were talking on the phone as we had been for several months, but then I heard it the voice of alcohol destruction. I did not want to asking if he'd been drinking because I really did not want to know. So, I listened and listened and had no choice but to ask and question was fear laden with dread. If he was drunk would I be able to stand my ground and end our relationship. I had to know because I was set to move in 7 days and if he was drunk he would get drunk again. To the greatest disappointment he was drunk and to his credit he was honest with me. I want to be sober and I like my life today. I did not know if I could leave him when I set up my deal breakers with him, but I have and I am proud and surprised at myself. So, I did what I have learned to do. I called my sponsor immediately, she did not answer so I called two other AA members and then answered her call. She asked to meet me and I did at our local meeting