The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

. Being so comfortably happy is an odd luxury I never really experienced before. Yes I have experienced happiness many many times in my life, but I was always preceded by some type of event/action. When I was the first person in my family to tree graduated from college-there was the effort of going to school. When I fell for a guy there was the effort of accepting a date or asking someone out then going on the date. You get the picture of what I mean in that regard. What I am talking about is just appreciating life and enjoy it form the great achievements to the just sitting on a meditation cushion and being happy at the process of one's own breath. Sometimes like today I catch myself at how much I really enjoy being alive and how really pay attention to my moments in life. For example, today I was in bed watching tv and I sat up, when I did I notice my dog, Precious, sitting on the floor relaxing. She looked up at me and I smiled and I felt joy arise from within. I reached over

. Well it happened today, Steve and my application for an apartment was approved and if all goes as planed I will be moving in January. Over all I am looking forward to it, but a very small part of me way back where it is dark and quiet a bit of fear lays there waiting to rush out and give me an anxiety attack. The fear I believe is that for the first time I feel so sure that I am not only in love, but that Steve loves me just as much as I love him. A first for me if I look back at my 3 previous relationships which I did with my couples counselor. Also, just the idea of moving in with another human being has its complications within itself and love and a single bed and it's a chemistry lab it can go either way. I have high hopes and really no concerns that we will make it. In fact I am very excited to get this next chapter of my life going, but as two recovering alcoholics it adds a bit of unpradictability to the whole situation. I feel real good about my decission to go ahead

. I have been working with my therapist for almost a year now and we have gotten to know each other very well and have developed a healthy respect for each other. I know deep down inside that he has my best interest at heart, but most importantly he cares for my well being and that is what makes me trust his judgment. After my overdose we had discussed some boundaries for myself and the one that seemed the most crucial was my relationship with Steve. When I entered the relationship it did become a catalyst to my relapse, but Steve himself was not the absolute for my relapse. From that relapse is what lead to my overdose and eventual two month hospitalization. When I sat with my therapist we discusses all the above in depth and decided that if I was to stay and continue my relationship with Steve we needed to set some healthy boundaries. The one of the boundaries he suggested was setting a 1 year time frame before we moved in together and at the time I thought that was reasonable.

. Before the overdose Mario and I really were not speaking at all. In fact things had gotten to a point where I thought I lost our relationship as it had once been. In rehab I tried to reconnect and he seemed willing, but his actions said something completely different. Mario was at the hospital everyday for a week until he had to go back to work and I know that time must have been terrible painful for him not only because we were brothers, but we had worked so hard since his teen years to become friends as well. On two occasions my mother had to call him because the doctors believed I would be gone by days end and so he came. Then the miraculous happened, I fought back and survived when many believed I had really done my self in this time. Mario came to visit me also when I was starting to remember the days pass by. It was nice to have him there and somehow the past was no longer important and it seemed all things had been forgiven, but not forgotten. I was not to really know thi

. I had decided to write a one year plan that I would fallow until November 2011. One of my goals was to work on finding closure on some passed issues that may still be impacting me today. One of the first I decided to work on was my overdose this past July. First I must say that my therapist and other professional health providers call it a suicide attempt and I must admit that it bothers me greatly. I don't like the word and it causes a physical reaction when I have to say it or listen to someone use it in conjunction to my overdose. My therapist had me write about how it affected my identity, my family and my community. So I wrote a paper and really took my time and was as honest emotionally as I could. Then I went to see my therapist and shared my work. I can tell you now that when I had to hare about my family I cried at what I had done to them because of my actions. When I was done I asked him if I had closer and like any good therapist he asked me, "Do you?" My

. When in love with an active alcoholic and your trying to recover yourself chances of success are almost zero. In our case we fallowed the masses before us and I relapse soon after and left the Villa Serena where I was making great progress in my recovery and in self healing.  I wish I could say that we had a great whorl wind drunken love affair, but it was not. I was filled with a lot of pain, sadness, regret and worst of all violence. Steve had been homeless before arriving into the 28 day program and after his relapse he ended up in the exact same place as before. While I ended up falling further down and Steve was an anchor I did not want to let go of.  When I made the decision to stay with him I knew it was going to be a very difficult journey I just did not realize how emotionally painful it would eventually become and how far my addiction would end up taking me. It gets worse you just never know how much worse it would be until you look up and see Armageddon has hit and it’s

. Thanksgiving 2010 is different from every other Thanksgiving I have celebrated because today I understand the meaning of gratitude that comes from within. I have so much to be grateful for and so many people I am grateful to have in my life, but there are a few things that really stand out this year.  First, I am so grateful to be alive and doing well. It was only a few short months ago that I was on life support. In fact during that time I died twice and had to have my heart restarted to keep me here. I am grateful to the doctors and nurses who worked so hard to keep me alive even though my chances were dire. With out their intervention I would no longer be in this world. Second, for reconnecting with Steve and the off chance of our meeting to give us a second chance at love. Steve is an amazing human being who with his presence alone removes any self deprecating thoughts. I feel perfect just the way I am with him. I’m grateful that at 41 years of age I have the opportunity to lov

. This is my first assignment outside of the 12 step work. So I decided to share it with you and see what happens.  I was in a group conscious meeting (a meeting where the members of an AA group come together to make decision for the group as a whole) and everything was going fine until I heard words never uttered to me in the 16 years I’ve been in AA.  The topic had come to Thanksgiving and what the group wanted to do. When the group decided to buy a turkey and tamales I raised my hand one more time and volunteered to cook the turkey and buy the tamales. Then the unexpected happened, a fellow member who has always been kind and loving turned around and in a timid joking manner said, “You will still be sober then?” I was taken aback by this comment and really did not know how to feel about it. I was absolutely confused by this persons comment which was very out of character. I told myself that she was kidding, which I believe, and to just let it go.  As the next couple of days passe

. Love is a funny thing. I can cause a person to do things that would be an impossibility in an other situation. I'm one of those romantics that always wanted to find my soul mate and live my life in a house with 2.5 dogs and a white picked fence. I fell into a living mantra of "looking for the next best thing" which back fired repeatedly.  I have had 3 serious relationships that all failed for different reasons. Today I have fallen in love with a man who has issues of his own. I meet him in rehab that in itself says a lot. He is straight and I am openly gay and in the process of our 28 day program we became very close friends. I have never had a male friend who I shared intimate parts of my struggles and life. I have had friends that were gay men and women plus straight women who I shared those intimate parts of my struggles and life. So this relationship with Steve was completely new. I have always been acutely aware the straight male boundaries such as; don't look

. Since leaving the hospital on September 17 I have been bombarded by so many emotions. I had to deal with trying to get physically capable of functioning everyday as I had before. I had an open stoma from a tracheostomy and a non-functioning feeding tube that was coiled and taped to my I stomach. I had three more weeks of looking down at my feeding tube which looked like a parasite of some sort. I am  memory issues, my short term memory was not functioning as profeciant like it was before my hospitalization. I also lost some memory that I had before the hospitalization. I have had to deal with how my actions have affected those who are closest to me. Then I had to try to deal with my own emotions and what I did to myself. And if that were not enough I was told my partner Steve had to leave and go home to Austin because he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer which is 97% fatal. Then to find out his is in San Antonio and healthy and doing well. I had to move in with my mother who is a

. Six weeks out of the hospital, exact date September 17, 2010 and things are starting to get a bet confusing. After the experience of my first post dated December 9, 2009 most people think I  would be clean and sober 11 month now, but unfortunately that is not the case. Right when you think it can't possibly get any worse you look back and think not again. So what brought me back to drinking and doing drugs.  I'd like to blame something out of myself, but frankly I can't. So what that lead to the date of July 18? At its base it was self filled with insanity. The definition used in the room of AA for insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That is me in a nut shell thinking somehow it will be different this time. The situation I find myself in is always different, but feelings are always the same. So some how I convince myself that things will be different and they do get different, they get worse. So, what happened. I wish I n

. I volunteered to work at my Buddhist Center and I had a time consuming while rewarding assignment, but I did not show up. An email from the center assistand director: Hi Benny, Betsy and David said that this past weekend went very well. They also mentioned that you never showed up and they were unable to get a hold of you. Are you okay? Please alleviate our concern :) Take care, Phil I don't know why I responded, but this is what I wrote errors and all: Phil, no, i am not doing very well. I am of sound body, but my depression is getting worse and worse. No matter how hard I try to be okay, its not going so well. It did not help that my mother would not let me stay at her home because she is a Christian woman and I am a sinner (gay). I have never felt so hurt by my own mom. she has always been a great supporter of me and my gayness until now. that is why i am not a christian especially a catholic. i am so very sorry i missed this weekend. i would never do such a

 .      I had gone to speak with my relationship therapist in regards to my relationship with my brother. She made some things very clear to me, such as what my brother was saying to me when he did not show up for my Refuge Ceremony in becoming a Buddhist. Basically he was saying "No, I will not be a part of your life right now." In essence he was saying "Fuck You." So when we did this work I became very sad because I myself did not really realize how damaged our relationship was. In our session the veil in which I use to help me protect my emotions was removed and not only was I to see clearly what has happened to our relationship in the past year, but I was to also feel the devastating loss of what was an awesome relationship that had now sailed away out of my control.      I went to my counselor because I really want to make things right and what I found out is that I have to help my brother heal the pains of my addiction and how it has impacted him. So first

 .      “Me, a drug addict and alcoholic? Really, but I’m the good one, the nice one, I’m the innocent one (sort of), it just doesn’t seem like I’m one of them an alcoholic and drug addict. “That is a thought that I have been struggling with since I came into the rooms of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). I just have a really hard time believing it. I intellectually know that I am an alcoholic and a drug addict and my years in and out of the rooms are proof of my struggles with mind-altering substances, but believing it is a different monster for me.      What is the difference between believing and knowing? Does it matter if there is? Frankly when it comes to distinguishing what I know and what I believe in regards to me being an alcoholic/drug addict is that I know I am and struggle to believe I am which causes me a lot of problems. What I have learned is Knowing is just having proof of what you know or just knowing something to be true without having to check it i.e. your name or mental

 .      Reconnecting with Mario has not been so easy this time. In fact is has been very difficult emotionally and spiritually for me. I find myself dealing with a lot of fear when I think how it is I am going to reconnect with my brother.      Things are not going well with Mario at least from my perspective. There was a time that my brother and I spend almost every Saturday or Sunday together, but now it just is not happening at all. Reconnecting with him has not gone as I had hoped it would as you could tell from my first entry. I really did not expect it to be very smooth or instantanious, but I did not think it would be this unsettling. In fact he has called me maybe twice since November and we have seen each other maybe 3 times. The worst was Christmas day when he came over to my sister house to drop off some presents for my nieces and nephew. He said maybe 4 or 5 words to me and left. I never felt so sad when it came to our relationship and I think that said everything about

 .      101 days into my sobriety and I found myself in the psyc ward.      It started a day ago when I woke up feeling apathetic. I knew immediately what was coming and tried with little gusto to try to turn my destiny with depression into another direction, but to no avail. My day was difficult to deal with and everything seemed like a chore to do, but I was able to get through my day without making my struggles anyone’s problems, which is great progress for me.      When I went to bed I knew that things would become worse I just did not know how much worse it would become, I never do. When my alarm went off I felt like the world was laying on my chest and I knew I was beat. I had to be at work in an hour and a half and tried to get myself up from bed and just could not do it. I even tried the "At the count of 3 get up. 1, 2, 3. Ok, This time do it. 1, 2, 3. Come on Ben you have to get up or you will get into trouble. 1, 2, 3..."   No matter what I said to myself my bo

.      Well it has taken 40 years to find my place in spirituality and finally I can say I have found the path that fits my spiritual needs. I was brought up Catholic and thought nothing of it until I started to realize that I liked other boys and that I was going to hell. That I was scum, unwanted, condemned and terrorized by a faith I was to use as a support system to get me through my trials and tribulations. Things got so bad that one afternoon I had decided I would have to end my life, but someone stepped in and helped me see that there were other choices. Ironically that person was a Catholic priest in the military who understood my plight. With his help I was able to finally accept who I was and that I was worth more that what people of faith said I was. For that I am grateful and fortunate to still be here.      For years after I tried to have a better connection with a Catholic God as I was taught, but could never seem to make that deep inner faith connection. Years later

.      As I entered the 28 day treatment center 28 days ago I was angry, frustrated, sad and broken. I was so broken I was unable to see past my despair, I couldn't see past any of my emotions. Bringing hope back was just something I could even fathom. My spirit had been beaten to a dull thud and my mind had been securely shut. Here I was on day one and I did not want any part of what anyone had. I just did see how another treatment center was going to make things better. I was told to come in with an open heart and to listen as if it were the first time, that was going to be a challenge of great proportions. So with the fading desire to live (really) I held on and tried to be open-minded.      So when I meet Juan, another client, I was distant, apathetic, detached. I was lead around and informed of the facilities and the actual 28 day treatment program from a patient perspective. My body language and facial expressions plus my lack of engagement was a clear indicator to all to

      "Benny, are you willing to go to any length to stay sober?" I do not remember the first time I was asked that question, but I do remember one particular time I was asked exact question. I was sitting across a very tiny, petite, beautiful, 70 year old woman who at the time had 30 years sober who later would become my sponsor. I was so desperate at the time that I said, "yes" without really contemplating what that really meant. I am grateful that I did not because if I had thought what that implied I do not know if I could have stayed. Because what I had to do during that time I worked with her was absolutely impossible and I did it for 1 year 5 months and 17 days. Then the second time I remember being asked was by a different sponsor, who had 20 years sober. He presented the question to me in a very different way. He asked, "Benny are you willing to take suggestions?" I was like, "Well, yeah I can follow suggestions." I am glad that I did n