The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

 .      I had gone to speak with my relationship therapist in regards to my relationship with my brother. She made some things very clear to me, such as what my brother was saying to me when he did not show up for my Refuge Ceremony in becoming a Buddhist. Basically he was saying "No, I will not be a part of your life right now." In essence he was saying "Fuck You." So when we did this work I became very sad because I myself did not really realize how damaged our relationship was. In our session the veil in which I use to help me protect my emotions was removed and not only was I to see clearly what has happened to our relationship in the past year, but I was to also feel the devastating loss of what was an awesome relationship that had now sailed away out of my control.      I went to my counselor because I really want to make things right and what I found out is that I have to help my brother heal the pains of my addiction and how it has impacted him. So first

 .      “Me, a drug addict and alcoholic? Really, but I’m the good one, the nice one, I’m the innocent one (sort of), it just doesn’t seem like I’m one of them an alcoholic and drug addict. “That is a thought that I have been struggling with since I came into the rooms of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). I just have a really hard time believing it. I intellectually know that I am an alcoholic and a drug addict and my years in and out of the rooms are proof of my struggles with mind-altering substances, but believing it is a different monster for me.      What is the difference between believing and knowing? Does it matter if there is? Frankly when it comes to distinguishing what I know and what I believe in regards to me being an alcoholic/drug addict is that I know I am and struggle to believe I am which causes me a lot of problems. What I have learned is Knowing is just having proof of what you know or just knowing something to be true without having to check it i.e. your name or mental

 .      Reconnecting with Mario has not been so easy this time. In fact is has been very difficult emotionally and spiritually for me. I find myself dealing with a lot of fear when I think how it is I am going to reconnect with my brother.      Things are not going well with Mario at least from my perspective. There was a time that my brother and I spend almost every Saturday or Sunday together, but now it just is not happening at all. Reconnecting with him has not gone as I had hoped it would as you could tell from my first entry. I really did not expect it to be very smooth or instantanious, but I did not think it would be this unsettling. In fact he has called me maybe twice since November and we have seen each other maybe 3 times. The worst was Christmas day when he came over to my sister house to drop off some presents for my nieces and nephew. He said maybe 4 or 5 words to me and left. I never felt so sad when it came to our relationship and I think that said everything about

 .      101 days into my sobriety and I found myself in the psyc ward.      It started a day ago when I woke up feeling apathetic. I knew immediately what was coming and tried with little gusto to try to turn my destiny with depression into another direction, but to no avail. My day was difficult to deal with and everything seemed like a chore to do, but I was able to get through my day without making my struggles anyone’s problems, which is great progress for me.      When I went to bed I knew that things would become worse I just did not know how much worse it would become, I never do. When my alarm went off I felt like the world was laying on my chest and I knew I was beat. I had to be at work in an hour and a half and tried to get myself up from bed and just could not do it. I even tried the "At the count of 3 get up. 1, 2, 3. Ok, This time do it. 1, 2, 3. Come on Ben you have to get up or you will get into trouble. 1, 2, 3..."   No matter what I said to myself my bo