The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

. I was sitting across a sponsie who is having a very difficult time right now. He is dealing with great fear, doubt and skepticism. Worse these things are perpetuating the obsession of the mind which can be so overwhelming. It's a clear sign of untreated alcoholism that can be healed. In the middle of our discussion I mentioned that even though I have having some grief in my life right now with my break up with Steve I am still a very happy man. Then unexpectedly he leaned over and asked me with a feel and look of "please don't lie to me" really, are you really happy? It brought up a great amount of emotions that I kept in because I needed to be able to answer the question without all the emotion of the past clouding my message of hope. I know that feeling very well. In fact I lived in in a meeting several years ago when I once again walked in a meeting after a very bad relapse. I sat there talking about how ridiculous it was that I needed a miracle to get sober

. On June 28, 2011 I posted then deleted an entry which I posted because I allowed Steve to stay.  Today, I am reposting it after having Steve move out of our place for the last time. I have reached a point that I no longer am able to emotionally handle living with him as an active alcoholic. Well, that is partly true the real reason is that I am just fed up and don't want to have to deal with the stress of it all. The benefits no longer out weigh the stress, drama, drinking... He relapsed last week and was drinking enough to get intoxicated, but not enough to get drunk. I believe he thought I would not notice - ha. I did not want it to be real I was hoping for the best - it was not to be.  I lasted a week with his drinking which is no surprise. His old behaviors started up immediately and I could not be ignored. The behaviors brought about old fears that were alway ever present with the knowledge that he really did not want to quit drinking. Finally it came for me to face the fac

. Very few people have impacted my life in a way that is life changing and even fewer who have done so in a positive way. Fortunately for me I met such a person in Dr. M back in Jan of 2010 and since then my life has been improving one decision at a time. Dr. M will be leaving very soon and I am genuinely happy for him and his family. Another position opened up for him that will allow him and his family to live their best life. I wish him all the best and hope I can find another person who can help me continue to grow as he has helped me do. Funny things about finding another person is that we did such great work that I may not need it for the kind of therapy we did. I have no illusions that I am perfect, but today I am emotionally healthy or at lest the healthiest I have ever been. Therapy has been an important part of my recovery and I don't think I could have stayed sober and grown as much as I have without it. What is important for me in therapy is that it be a relationshi