The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

. Reflection on 2011 I must say this is by far one of the greatest years of my young life. It is the first full calendar year that I was able to not only remain sober, but did so with a gratitude and satisfaction that would never have been possible without my stint on life support in the summer of 2011. 2011 has been the easiest year of my life and it is all because of how my perspective of life has completely changed. Life had been a challenge to get through, but some how with this psychic change that has occurred "any day above ground is a good day" as one AA friends puts it every time he shares.  Don't get me wrong I have had my tough times during the year, but I have been able to walk through them with grace and courage unknown to me before. The greatest challenge has been my own internal fears that are based on nothing. The big book of AA talks about being driven by a hundred forms of fears and this is the first year that I really got what that meant.  Two are

. I was at a Big Book study about a month ago and we reading Bills Story when I had another truth reveled to me from Bill's own story. On page 4 last paragraph - Mercifully, no one could guess that I was to have no real employment for five years...   It hit me like a freezing blast of wind, that's me I thought. Why had I not seen this before. I also had not foreseen not working for over two years in my profession. In fact I would not work at all due to my addiction and need to take care of myself first before I could even consider going back to work. The revelation was comforting in a odd way because it came from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was another indicator that I am all over the book and because of it the solutions must work for me too since it worked for so many others. What gave me hope in one day being accepted back into my profession was the story of the airline pilot who lost his license and through the work in AA he was given his license back and fly

. I was sitting across a sponsie who is having a very difficult time right now. He is dealing with great fear, doubt and skepticism. Worse these things are perpetuating the obsession of the mind which can be so overwhelming. It's a clear sign of untreated alcoholism that can be healed. In the middle of our discussion I mentioned that even though I have having some grief in my life right now with my break up with Steve I am still a very happy man. Then unexpectedly he leaned over and asked me with a feel and look of "please don't lie to me" really, are you really happy? It brought up a great amount of emotions that I kept in because I needed to be able to answer the question without all the emotion of the past clouding my message of hope. I know that feeling very well. In fact I lived in in a meeting several years ago when I once again walked in a meeting after a very bad relapse. I sat there talking about how ridiculous it was that I needed a miracle to get sober

. On June 28, 2011 I posted then deleted an entry which I posted because I allowed Steve to stay.  Today, I am reposting it after having Steve move out of our place for the last time. I have reached a point that I no longer am able to emotionally handle living with him as an active alcoholic. Well, that is partly true the real reason is that I am just fed up and don't want to have to deal with the stress of it all. The benefits no longer out weigh the stress, drama, drinking... He relapsed last week and was drinking enough to get intoxicated, but not enough to get drunk. I believe he thought I would not notice - ha. I did not want it to be real I was hoping for the best - it was not to be.  I lasted a week with his drinking which is no surprise. His old behaviors started up immediately and I could not be ignored. The behaviors brought about old fears that were alway ever present with the knowledge that he really did not want to quit drinking. Finally it came for me to face the fac

. Very few people have impacted my life in a way that is life changing and even fewer who have done so in a positive way. Fortunately for me I met such a person in Dr. M back in Jan of 2010 and since then my life has been improving one decision at a time. Dr. M will be leaving very soon and I am genuinely happy for him and his family. Another position opened up for him that will allow him and his family to live their best life. I wish him all the best and hope I can find another person who can help me continue to grow as he has helped me do. Funny things about finding another person is that we did such great work that I may not need it for the kind of therapy we did. I have no illusions that I am perfect, but today I am emotionally healthy or at lest the healthiest I have ever been. Therapy has been an important part of my recovery and I don't think I could have stayed sober and grown as much as I have without it. What is important for me in therapy is that it be a relationshi

. I knew Steve and I moving in together would bring challenges, but I just did not realize I would struggle with being more compassionate to Steve’s struggles. I remember how moody I was when I first tried to get sober. I remember the mood swings for no apparent reason, the strength of the emotions that would vertebrate through my body, the frustration at myself for not being able to control how I feel. I even remember the confusion at having so many emotions all at once and worse having emotions I did not have names for. So you would think I would be able to be okay with Steve’s struggles, but I find myself frustrated at my own limitations. Generally I am okay with his emotional swings, but where I struggle is when he is okay and want to be a loving couple again. Of course that happens, but he wants it to happen instantly or on his time. This does not allow me the time to work with my emotions on my time and I am afraid if I do not go with the flow I will make him angry, frustrated

. I just left my therapist office and left felling worse off than when I went in. That really never happened before and it is because I had a better idea of how bad things are for me with Steve. Really it is that I am not getting it in the way a healthy person (person who has healthy boundaries) does. Then out of no where Steve calls and tells me he is done and ready to go into detox. I'm excited, but cautious because I just don't believe it, I just have hope for it. I am so glad he called because I did not think he really believes me when I say this is it. In fact my therapist does not believe it either, but that is okay. I know I'm done because I'm just too tired and my feelings are waining. I do not want to live the life I have been living with him another day, I just can't do it and I really like my life when "Drunk Steve" is not around. I arrive to pick him up, but before I leave I make sure we are on the same page. I don't want to leave with

. I’ve been back from my 28 day meditation retreat 10 days and I am overwhelmed with Steve’s drinking. I don’t know how much more I can handle and I feel like I am going to break real soon.  The man I fell in love with I rarely see and I miss him very much. The man I have to spend my time with in the hopes of getting the real sober Steve is slowly breaking me. If Steve does not get sober soon I don’t think I will be able to continue our relationship. Last night I became so disgusted and upset with his drinking that I could not sleep and I became so upset and overwhelmed that drinking started to enter my mind and I kept telling myself that I would not drink, but I can’t take those thoughts lightly. Those kind of thoughts are killers and if left unattended will get the best of me. Steve has a hard time seeing himself with honest eyes. He thinks he is sober when drinking when he really is drunk. I know he feels bad about it and he feels worse about himself when he sees how it affects me

. My last depressive phase really took a lot out of me and it affected my motivation. I really have not been motivated to write or do much of anything else in several weeks. On the other hand one of the greatest gifts that sobriety makes possible is it allows me to continue moving forward regardless of how I feel. So, when I booked my first workshop as a presenter I put myself on the line on so many fronts. I have been wanting to do a professional workshop for several years now and it was a big deal. The last time I tried I was not sober and the pressure got to me so bad that I went on a major binge that cost me the greatest job I ever had and caused a lot of people to deal with the consequences of believing in me. I hurt many people because of my drinking within my profession. That was back in January of 2009. I am a sign language interpreter and I am one of the 5% of Americans who love their job. I am also a recovering alcoholic who finally got it! Early on in my career I realized

. I needed to get a new sponsor becasue my previous sponsor had to focus on her career and she just did not have the time necessary to invest in our relationship as she would have liked. So, I asked someone who I thought would work great with me. I have always found the process of getting to know a sponsor to be exciting and fun, but it gets very real once the work begins. This is my first assignment from him: - Read the Forwards to the Big Book and the Doctor's Opinion chapter - Define allergy - Define obsession - 10 minute writing assignment: What brought you to AA. Keep writing for 10 minutes straight, even if veers off topic. Like meditation, just gently bring it back. What first brought me in was the VA Hospital. I had a nervous breakdown from drugs and alcohol that landed me in the emergency room to  psyc ward to the alcohol ward to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) then finally to my first treatment center in May of 1995.  The second time I came into AA I we

 . Depression sucks. I'm in it and fortunately do not want to drink or use. I don't want to write, get up, bathe... So, this is it. Impermanence is my saving grace meaning This to Shall Pass.

. When November 4, 2009 came to be I was not aware it would be the last time I would pick up my hands to do what I love most and that is to interpret for clients who needed an Interpreter.  I love my job and have a passion for it that few things have ever come close to. So when I finally got fired from my last gasp job I broke inside in a way I never thought possible. On February 19th and 20th 2011 I would enter the interpreting professional world for the first time since then. A lot of these people I would have not seen since I was fired from my favorite job ever back in February 2008. So needless to say I has some trepidations, but I really wanted to go and for the first time, the real first time I was okay and doing better than I had ever been. I did not get much sleep during the approaching days and in a way that was a blessing because being bone tired has a way of dulling strong emotions. When time came for me to go I wanted to have a real good first impression and I thought

Work with a couples counselor on building a healthy relationship with Steve was third of on my list. This has been the most tumultuous of the five up to date. The relationship with Steve has been the best and worst in so many ways. I have never been so loved and never felt truly cared for by anyone in the past, but I also have not been so scared by someone as well. When Steve is sober I am safe, loved and absolute comfortable in my own skin. Drunk he is terrifying, mean and hopeless to help.  If you been reading you know what we have been through and the up to date version is that as of Tuesday we are back on and working with our therapist. I don't know what happen, but I blocked him from email, Face Book and changed my number. He wrote me a beautiful closer letter and I did not write back. I went to meetings when I was heart sick for him and called my sponsor when I needed to decompress from the emotional upheavals. I continued to work with my couples therapist on dealing with

. I have reached a point in my therapy that I need to start looking at the causes of my Post -Trumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This is part of my one year pland of working with my therpaist and frankly right now I am not feeling it. Last week was the first week of the 12 that we will be working on this specifically. I was explained the process, benefits and how it all works. Most importantly I was told I had the power to stop anytime I wanted, but was encouraged to do 3 weeks before I decide to end the process. I don't know why, but I was not comfortable with the whole thing, but was dedicated to the therapy. I cried at times out of just not knowing how this was all going to work out. It was a very uncomfortable situation to walk into willingly and not know what to really expect. So, I was given my first assignment and had to take it home and bring back my "homework" to discuss. Well the week has passed and I did not pick up the paper work, not one time. I thought ab

. Work with my therapist on finding closure to a few issues I need to address is the second thing on my list and I believe it is vital for me to find closure on a few things. I have been doing that to an extent, but now we are going to go full force for the next 12 weeks and I don't really know what to expect. Until now we have been working on how to deal with everyday stresses and putting out fires as they come. It's been a full time job with some very disheartening lows and inspiring self revolutions that land me on pink clouds, then pop until the next day. Today I am more stable than ever before. I don't have the constant unmanageability that the first step of AA discusses. Instead I am dealing with life as it occurs, what I am learning to do is work with the emotions arise without using drugs or alcohol to distract myself. What is happening today is that my PTSD is causing problems with my natural instincts. At night I am having difficult sleeping because I have th

. Work with my sponsor and AA meetings was the first of the of my five things I needed to do to change my life for the better. It all starts with staying sober and doing what is asked of me by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and by my sponsor's suggestions. I am aware very keenly that everything is contingent of the success of this goal. Honestly, I will admit to being distracted by my relationship with Steve and that may have impacted my priorities at the beginning. What I found surprising is that it was not the main factor to my lack of attending meetings and staying in contact with my sponsor. Some where in the end of october thru December until the first of Janurary I did not go to as many meeting I needed to. Then I ended my relationship with Steve and I have been at the center of AA with no looking back. I intend to keep it that way too. What has been the most difficult has been the lack of the imenant need to go becasue of fear of relapse due to the change that occu

. I have a one year plan that came as a result of being on life support and having to work so hard just to be able to brush my teeth. I wish that was a joke, but there was a point that I was incapable of sitting upright from a lying position. Then when I could my heart rate would shoot out of control and I would need medication to help me get my panic attack under control because I thought I was going to suffocate. When I finally was able to leave the hospital and start looking at what happened and why. I decided to really take a serious inventory of my life up to that point. What was clear was that I never really took care of myself, never. So I came up with a one year plan to make sure I did do what I was never able to in the past, put me first in a healthy way. So when I walked into my therapist office back in Septermber I had my one year plan ready and this is what he read.                                                    ONE YEAR GOAL 1. Work on my sobriety with my spo

. I don't have the words to express how happy I am even though I have my struggles. Gratitude doesn't seem to fit the bill for the kind of love I feel toward people who have been so kind and supportive. Grateful doesn't seem to encompass how I feel to be alive and to be me and that I am happy with both. I sit sometimes alone and to just be and I have this feeling that starts arising from deep within. There are no words when this happens there is just awareness. As it starts to surface I start to feel a deep and profound gentleness that starts to tear me up and warm my chest. When it reaches the surface I see the world in such a different light than before. This world is so beautiful and the things that are in it are amazing and I am a part of it. When that happens I am so in tune with everything around me in a way that makes me finally feel a part of not apart from. I start to think about all those people I hurt and my heart aches for their pain. I want to comfort them b

. I need treatment for PTSD because I am now starting to sleep with a knife again. I also am getting about 2 hours of sleep at night when my body can no longer stay awake. I'm even on anti-anxiety medication and it is not helping me much right now. My assignment is to write the most stressful experience you have experienced. I have two and both are bad in different ways. I can't choose between them so here they are. A Locked Door, Frozen I was lying in bed asleep in the middle of the night. When I hear a huge violent crash and I knew instinctively what it was. My father had smashed in the back door with one vicious strike. I know what his mission is and I know mine as well it’s been this way for a few months now. Without thought I react as alway. With an effortless swoop of the top bunk My 10 year old body lands on the wooden floor and see my terrified mother running down the hall. I know she is going to go out the front door as she had in the past and I am to go out the

. How does one explain the pains of alcoholism to those who are incapable of comprehending the alcoholic torture I have endured. Worse how do I explain it in the room full of alcoholics who have seen me time and time again pick up another sobriety chip. Frankly, I do not know because I don't have the words to express how it is I feel. The words I do possess which are boundless and fruitful do not posses the impact of what I have experience these futile years of attempted sobriety. What I can tell you is that the gratitude I feel well up within in it's purest form of love for surviving the obsession, compulsion and craving I thought was destine to end my life. I sit here full of emotion that expresses itself with tension, a rapid heart beat. deeper and deeper breathing, the welling up of tears and I am full of joy to have survived my deadliest disease. I'm alive and I am dumbfounded by it. I sit here with the largest smile chuckling at the insanity of it all and as well a

. I love my ring and what it stands for. When Steve and I went to get them we got the cheapest one's we could afford. I thought they would be temporary until we could afford something more ornate and expensive. As time passed I realized that I did not want another ring that this ring was the one that we were suppose to have and that it bounded us together. It secured our hopes, dreams, love, desires and everything two people want out of a relationship till death do us part. As I sit here writing I am overwhelmed by my sadness over our relationships end. I want to just break down and cry until my eyes get puffy, my eyes turn sold red and my tear ducks run dry. I hurt for his love, his touch, his smile upon looking at me. I yearn for his comport and the security I felt in his presence most of all I just want us not to be over. I miss him so much and I work really hard not to run away from my grieving heart. Especially now with the cold and rain beating down on him somewhere out on

. On 1-7-11 I had to go to the Family Advocacy Center to get a protective order/restraining order against Steve. It was one of the saddest moments of my entire life. To have to go thru legal channels to protect myself from someone I love so dearly. Steve had no choice but to contact my family members to try to get to me since I changed my phone number within 30 minutes of hanging up on him.  I told him would no longer be involved in a relationship with him and the only reason is because he drank. I really needed him to know that was the only reason I was ending our relationship. He called my mother once and has repeatedly called my brother drunk and has left some very threatening phone calls. He is very angry and has no way to deal with it so he has decided to choose me as his outlet. The problem is since he has  been violent with me in the past I had to get help. I believe him when he says he it coming to get me and that frightens me. So, when my brother said, "you should go