The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

. Sadly after 2.5 years I chose to let go of my relationship with Steve due to his alcoholism. I am very saddened by how things have turned out, but not surprised and heartbroken as I thought I would be. Steve's last chance came and went with him blaming me and my last words to him being "Fuck you!" I rarely have cussed at him because I think it is mean, rude and disrespectful, but he hurt my feelings and pissed me off when he made two statements; you used me and no one loves me. I couldn't believe he actually said that (I have to remember he was drunk when he said it) and I finally allowed myself to react. Being on the other side of alcoholism is quite painful. To see the person you love continue to hurt themselves and the people around them is very disturbing. It gives me a new perceptive on what I did to others and myself for so many years. Steve did try very hard and was just unable to stay sober. He went into a VA program to help vets get life skills he needed

. You get sober and life just starts to take a course where you had no intention of going. I expected to keep up with this blog since I got sober, but as you can see that has not been the case. My life today looks nothing like the day I wrote my first entry. Today, I am extremely content with the life I am living. My life is not perfect, but it is mine and it is good! I am in my Senior year of college which is amazing to me!!! I will be the first in my family to earn a Bachelors degree and am in the process of filling out my graduate school application (it's long as shit). My relationship with Steve is better than ever! He is sober and doing very well!! I have no real worries and I have all that I need and what I have I value and want. I cannot complain about a single thing. I still suffer from chronic hand, arm and back pain, I am still HIV+, I am still on disability (hoping to get off when I graduate with my MA degree), I still deal with fear and self-image issues, but in no

. I don't really know if I have the right to complain after the life I have lived compared to the life I have now. I mean things are really good over all, but Steve is gone.  He just can't seem to stay sober and I miss him dearly. My heart feels like the instant glass shatters into tiny little pieces. I find myself being okay with being sad in a way that was inconcievable without using or drinking, but it is a very foreign place that I find myself right now. There are moments where I just lay in bed and allow the tears to well up and trickle down the ridges of my face. Sometimes I put on Adele's "Make You Feel My Love" and allow the sadness to just fill me within. Other times I feel out of sorts because I don't feel bad or sad, but joy and contentment are somewhat under a light colored veil. What is unique about this sad separation is that we both love each other very much and so want to spend our lives together, but we can't when he is drinking. It w