A Fifth Time Is Not A Charm
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I was sitting in my doctors chair waiting to be told that my four biopsies came back benign. So, when my doc came in to inform me that 3 were I was very pleased to hear the news, because that is what I expected. The unexpected occurred when he told my my four biopsy came back malignant. I sat there for a moment absolutely still with my mind and emotions on pause trying to make sense of what I heard. Then the realization of what he said hit me and fear welled up from my belly to the back of my throat. Stunned would be about as accurate a word as any for how I took in the information at that exact moment.
So, I'm sitting there and a flood of memories and emotions rattle me like a shock from a live electrical wire. I had to kind of take a labored breath and get my vision to focus on the doctor and ask, "What?" I new I had heard him right, but somehow I needed to hear it again and he did. With that I settled my emotions focused on the conversation and payed close attention to what was being said.
The doctors informs me that the cancer is the kind you would want to have (according to the doc) if your going to get cancer because it is not aggressive and usually (yeah, right) is contained in one area. I heard him, but had a difficult time believing what he was saying because of my experience with the four (yes, four) cancer before. I was a bit sarcastic and gave him a bit of a hard time which he did not want to participate in, but finally I gave in to listening.
So, tomorrow I will be having surgery to remove the cancer from my ear and then get reconstructive surfer to fix whatever deformity that will occur due to being cut open to remove death from my body. I'm luckier than most that I even have the opportunity to survive my fifth cancer when so many before me lost their battle with the first. You'd figure that since I have extensive experience with cancer I would know how to react and digest the information, but you'd be wrong. Every time I heard those life changing words I had a different reaction. Each one very different from the other, but from the same family of emotions.
Yes, I am weary and scared. Not so much from this particular cancer, but the idea that I am still susceptible to cancer period. This cancer my doctor says is "superficial" (I don't know how any cancer can be called superficial) and I should be okay. The question that arises deep in the corner of my fearful mind is "What about the next one?" Who is to say there won't be a next one. This is my fifth and my chances are higher than most to get another one. I have had three different types of cancers for a total of five diagnosis. I asked my sister sarcastically "Who gets cancer FIVE times?!" and as only my sister can she keeps it real, "You do." I smile and let out a laugh, which I needed at that moment.
I've never been very good at being a victim of the circumstances of my life and so I do what I have always done, face my fears head on, move forward taking the next right step, not giving up on my life today and survive. I have done that all my life and will continue to do so until my body no longer is able to do it. What I know from my life threatening experiences is that life is so very precious and with that knowledge comes responsibility, but more so gratitude.
If you look at my life as a whole like I do. You will realize I have a damn good life most people would love to have and I'll be damn if cancer will mar it by taking center stage and causing me to fall into a sad state of affairs and be a victim to it.
Like I said I am a survivor and I think I live up to that title quite well.
I was sitting in my doctors chair waiting to be told that my four biopsies came back benign. So, when my doc came in to inform me that 3 were I was very pleased to hear the news, because that is what I expected. The unexpected occurred when he told my my four biopsy came back malignant. I sat there for a moment absolutely still with my mind and emotions on pause trying to make sense of what I heard. Then the realization of what he said hit me and fear welled up from my belly to the back of my throat. Stunned would be about as accurate a word as any for how I took in the information at that exact moment.
So, I'm sitting there and a flood of memories and emotions rattle me like a shock from a live electrical wire. I had to kind of take a labored breath and get my vision to focus on the doctor and ask, "What?" I new I had heard him right, but somehow I needed to hear it again and he did. With that I settled my emotions focused on the conversation and payed close attention to what was being said.
The doctors informs me that the cancer is the kind you would want to have (according to the doc) if your going to get cancer because it is not aggressive and usually (yeah, right) is contained in one area. I heard him, but had a difficult time believing what he was saying because of my experience with the four (yes, four) cancer before. I was a bit sarcastic and gave him a bit of a hard time which he did not want to participate in, but finally I gave in to listening.
So, tomorrow I will be having surgery to remove the cancer from my ear and then get reconstructive surfer to fix whatever deformity that will occur due to being cut open to remove death from my body. I'm luckier than most that I even have the opportunity to survive my fifth cancer when so many before me lost their battle with the first. You'd figure that since I have extensive experience with cancer I would know how to react and digest the information, but you'd be wrong. Every time I heard those life changing words I had a different reaction. Each one very different from the other, but from the same family of emotions.
Yes, I am weary and scared. Not so much from this particular cancer, but the idea that I am still susceptible to cancer period. This cancer my doctor says is "superficial" (I don't know how any cancer can be called superficial) and I should be okay. The question that arises deep in the corner of my fearful mind is "What about the next one?" Who is to say there won't be a next one. This is my fifth and my chances are higher than most to get another one. I have had three different types of cancers for a total of five diagnosis. I asked my sister sarcastically "Who gets cancer FIVE times?!" and as only my sister can she keeps it real, "You do." I smile and let out a laugh, which I needed at that moment.
I've never been very good at being a victim of the circumstances of my life and so I do what I have always done, face my fears head on, move forward taking the next right step, not giving up on my life today and survive. I have done that all my life and will continue to do so until my body no longer is able to do it. What I know from my life threatening experiences is that life is so very precious and with that knowledge comes responsibility, but more so gratitude.
If you look at my life as a whole like I do. You will realize I have a damn good life most people would love to have and I'll be damn if cancer will mar it by taking center stage and causing me to fall into a sad state of affairs and be a victim to it.
Like I said I am a survivor and I think I live up to that title quite well.
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