The True Miracle
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These last few months have been filled with ups and downs that are expected in the life of someone who is rebuilding their life after burning it down to the ground. The great thing about it all is that I have not found it necessary to avoid how life is making me feel by taking a drink or ingesting some drug. In fact, I have been able to sit with my emotions and lean into them in a way that actually reduces the discomfort they use to cause me.
These last five moths have seen me face new challenges and fears to include my last semester in school on my way to earning a bachelors degree from Texas A&M - San Antonio. I took some on-line course I was deathly afraid of due to my lack of experience with them (I earned two A's). I also had to take a course based on statistics that required an experiment I had to develop, complete and write about (I earned an A). There were many obstacles I had to overcome, the biggest being my own mind and how it can try to convince me I am not capable of or worthy of (you fill in the blank). At the end of it all I found myself sitting in the 4th row of my graduating class about to receive my families first college degree with high honors.
Sitting there with 600+ other graduates was one of the most proudest moments of my life. I come from families that knew no education, both my parents only had 2 years of elementary school because they were needed to labor in the fields. So, needless to say I was ecstatic that evening especially with my mother screaming and jumping up and down for me. My mother is a 60+ year old woman who prides herself as a good Catholic Eucharist Minister and she is not the type that would fling herself in the air repeatedly. I took this as a sign that her baby did good. Bigger yet for me was that my sisters kids were in attendance watching the whole thing happen. My dream is that this will be something they will just intuitively expect from themselves. If I do nothing greater in my life than earn a BA degree in front of those sweet kids I believe I would look back on my death bed and smile.
In the process of having to do all my course work I also had to fill out a few applications to masters programs. It was a stressful process and I needed several people to help me along the way. I was pleasantly surprised that I was accepted to Texas State University in San Marcos. It was my number one choice and was not sure if I would be selected or not, but when I found out I was over the moon. I am actually a bit taken aback that I am going to grad school, me a special education student from high school. I decided to major in social work because I believe I have something I can give others - hope. I know the power of hope especially in the hopeless.
Steve came back and left again. I believe I have fallen out of love with him, but I do deeply care about him still. I find myself torn between letting go completely and leaving the door closed, but unlocked. I think it has come time for me to move forward without looking back to see if he is following me just far enough where he can reach out and ask for help when it gets bad enough. Next time I think I'll let him reach for someone else's hand. I just don't have it in me to do it one more time. At this point I think I really am more of a liability than an asset to him regardless of my intentions. My heart aches, but no longer because I miss him and wish to hold him, but rather for the life he is living and the compassion I have for the suffering he is experience due to his alcoholism.
So, you read the title and think where is the "true miracle" at. Well it happened the Thursday before graduation day. I was laying in bed for several hours unable to fall asleep. It felt like the night before Christmas when I was 8 years old. Looking forward to what I would expect to be the greatest day of my life. I was trying every trick in the book to fall asleep, but to no avail. Then I tried a relaxation technique with meditation that I do from time to time. As I allowed my body to slowly release the tension it held in every muscle I started to pay attention to my breath as it came in and out of my body in a slow rhythmic dance. As I got deeper and deeper into my meditation I became aware of some tension around my jaw. I continued to bring my mind back to the breath as I tried to release the tension and found it was not working. I took another deep breath and my mind once again notice the tension around my jaw. Just then I allowed my mind to pay attention to the tension and realized that I was smiling.
It was past 3:00am in the morning and I was alone in the dark in my own room lying on my own bed smiling. I couldn't believe it!! An overwhelming sense of gratitude came over me and tears started to well up in my eyes. I opened my eyes and looked into the darkness and softly voiced, "Who or what ever you are. Thank you for my life today." With that I rolled over and fell asleep, with a smile I'm sure.
That for me is the true miracle of my journey those past 5 months. Not too long ago I laid in a bed in the middle of the night unable to sleep hating my life, crying, shameful, hopeless wanting not to wake up and having to face another day. Those nights were also filled with great emotions pleading for the suffering to end. On those night you would have found me pleading, begging, screaming to something to end it all. Well, thats not my story today.
In AA they have this saying "Don't leave until the Miracle happens." That sleepless Thursday night held one of those miracles for me when I found myself smiling alone in the dark thankful to a power greater than myself.
These last few months have been filled with ups and downs that are expected in the life of someone who is rebuilding their life after burning it down to the ground. The great thing about it all is that I have not found it necessary to avoid how life is making me feel by taking a drink or ingesting some drug. In fact, I have been able to sit with my emotions and lean into them in a way that actually reduces the discomfort they use to cause me.
These last five moths have seen me face new challenges and fears to include my last semester in school on my way to earning a bachelors degree from Texas A&M - San Antonio. I took some on-line course I was deathly afraid of due to my lack of experience with them (I earned two A's). I also had to take a course based on statistics that required an experiment I had to develop, complete and write about (I earned an A). There were many obstacles I had to overcome, the biggest being my own mind and how it can try to convince me I am not capable of or worthy of (you fill in the blank). At the end of it all I found myself sitting in the 4th row of my graduating class about to receive my families first college degree with high honors.
Sitting there with 600+ other graduates was one of the most proudest moments of my life. I come from families that knew no education, both my parents only had 2 years of elementary school because they were needed to labor in the fields. So, needless to say I was ecstatic that evening especially with my mother screaming and jumping up and down for me. My mother is a 60+ year old woman who prides herself as a good Catholic Eucharist Minister and she is not the type that would fling herself in the air repeatedly. I took this as a sign that her baby did good. Bigger yet for me was that my sisters kids were in attendance watching the whole thing happen. My dream is that this will be something they will just intuitively expect from themselves. If I do nothing greater in my life than earn a BA degree in front of those sweet kids I believe I would look back on my death bed and smile.
In the process of having to do all my course work I also had to fill out a few applications to masters programs. It was a stressful process and I needed several people to help me along the way. I was pleasantly surprised that I was accepted to Texas State University in San Marcos. It was my number one choice and was not sure if I would be selected or not, but when I found out I was over the moon. I am actually a bit taken aback that I am going to grad school, me a special education student from high school. I decided to major in social work because I believe I have something I can give others - hope. I know the power of hope especially in the hopeless.
Steve came back and left again. I believe I have fallen out of love with him, but I do deeply care about him still. I find myself torn between letting go completely and leaving the door closed, but unlocked. I think it has come time for me to move forward without looking back to see if he is following me just far enough where he can reach out and ask for help when it gets bad enough. Next time I think I'll let him reach for someone else's hand. I just don't have it in me to do it one more time. At this point I think I really am more of a liability than an asset to him regardless of my intentions. My heart aches, but no longer because I miss him and wish to hold him, but rather for the life he is living and the compassion I have for the suffering he is experience due to his alcoholism.
So, you read the title and think where is the "true miracle" at. Well it happened the Thursday before graduation day. I was laying in bed for several hours unable to fall asleep. It felt like the night before Christmas when I was 8 years old. Looking forward to what I would expect to be the greatest day of my life. I was trying every trick in the book to fall asleep, but to no avail. Then I tried a relaxation technique with meditation that I do from time to time. As I allowed my body to slowly release the tension it held in every muscle I started to pay attention to my breath as it came in and out of my body in a slow rhythmic dance. As I got deeper and deeper into my meditation I became aware of some tension around my jaw. I continued to bring my mind back to the breath as I tried to release the tension and found it was not working. I took another deep breath and my mind once again notice the tension around my jaw. Just then I allowed my mind to pay attention to the tension and realized that I was smiling.
It was past 3:00am in the morning and I was alone in the dark in my own room lying on my own bed smiling. I couldn't believe it!! An overwhelming sense of gratitude came over me and tears started to well up in my eyes. I opened my eyes and looked into the darkness and softly voiced, "Who or what ever you are. Thank you for my life today." With that I rolled over and fell asleep, with a smile I'm sure.
That for me is the true miracle of my journey those past 5 months. Not too long ago I laid in a bed in the middle of the night unable to sleep hating my life, crying, shameful, hopeless wanting not to wake up and having to face another day. Those nights were also filled with great emotions pleading for the suffering to end. On those night you would have found me pleading, begging, screaming to something to end it all. Well, thats not my story today.
In AA they have this saying "Don't leave until the Miracle happens." That sleepless Thursday night held one of those miracles for me when I found myself smiling alone in the dark thankful to a power greater than myself.
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