The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

. When November 4, 2009 came to be I was not aware it would be the last time I would pick up my hands to do what I love most and that is to interpret for clients who needed an Interpreter.  I love my job and have a passion for it that few things have ever come close to. So when I finally got fired from my last gasp job I broke inside in a way I never thought possible. On February 19th and 20th 2011 I would enter the interpreting professional world for the first time since then. A lot of these people I would have not seen since I was fired from my favorite job ever back in February 2008. So needless to say I has some trepidations, but I really wanted to go and for the first time, the real first time I was okay and doing better than I had ever been. I did not get much sleep during the approaching days and in a way that was a blessing because being bone tired has a way of dulling strong emotions. When time came for me to go I wanted to have a real good first impression and I thought

Work with a couples counselor on building a healthy relationship with Steve was third of on my list. This has been the most tumultuous of the five up to date. The relationship with Steve has been the best and worst in so many ways. I have never been so loved and never felt truly cared for by anyone in the past, but I also have not been so scared by someone as well. When Steve is sober I am safe, loved and absolute comfortable in my own skin. Drunk he is terrifying, mean and hopeless to help.  If you been reading you know what we have been through and the up to date version is that as of Tuesday we are back on and working with our therapist. I don't know what happen, but I blocked him from email, Face Book and changed my number. He wrote me a beautiful closer letter and I did not write back. I went to meetings when I was heart sick for him and called my sponsor when I needed to decompress from the emotional upheavals. I continued to work with my couples therapist on dealing with

. I have reached a point in my therapy that I need to start looking at the causes of my Post -Trumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This is part of my one year pland of working with my therpaist and frankly right now I am not feeling it. Last week was the first week of the 12 that we will be working on this specifically. I was explained the process, benefits and how it all works. Most importantly I was told I had the power to stop anytime I wanted, but was encouraged to do 3 weeks before I decide to end the process. I don't know why, but I was not comfortable with the whole thing, but was dedicated to the therapy. I cried at times out of just not knowing how this was all going to work out. It was a very uncomfortable situation to walk into willingly and not know what to really expect. So, I was given my first assignment and had to take it home and bring back my "homework" to discuss. Well the week has passed and I did not pick up the paper work, not one time. I thought ab

. Work with my therapist on finding closure to a few issues I need to address is the second thing on my list and I believe it is vital for me to find closure on a few things. I have been doing that to an extent, but now we are going to go full force for the next 12 weeks and I don't really know what to expect. Until now we have been working on how to deal with everyday stresses and putting out fires as they come. It's been a full time job with some very disheartening lows and inspiring self revolutions that land me on pink clouds, then pop until the next day. Today I am more stable than ever before. I don't have the constant unmanageability that the first step of AA discusses. Instead I am dealing with life as it occurs, what I am learning to do is work with the emotions arise without using drugs or alcohol to distract myself. What is happening today is that my PTSD is causing problems with my natural instincts. At night I am having difficult sleeping because I have th