These are the Miracles of AA
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The nights have been the most ardguious for me to manage. When the last meeting of the day is over. When my AA family is home living their lives. When the last phone call is made. The time will inevitably come when I find myself acutely aware of the silence, the loneliness, the heartache and I sit with it all. Not fighting, not questioning, not running away. I hold on to the deep resolve I have within for just one more second, one more minute, one more hour until it passes. Then, sometime in the night I fall asleep to wake up and go to one more meeting, meet one more AA friend, make one more call so when I find myself acutely aware I can make it one more day. These moments are the miracles of AA because right now I should be drunk or high running from my tender heart soaked feelings, but I'm imperfectly living it one moment at a time. I don't know where I'd be without the rooms and those who fill them.
I've been listening to a lot of sad songs. It seems that I want to be in a sad place since Steve left. Most of the time I'm fine and am able to move forward moment by moment, but the time comes everyday when the pain of loosing him fills me up. Those are the times the great compulsion to run out and find him hits. I've called his phone a few times and it goes directly to voice mail. I think he either pawned the phone, lost it or broke it. I don't know what I'd say, but the hope is that he'd hear my voice and run to me, but I know that won't be the case.
I want him back and I can't have him because he is miserable sober. I don't want him to be with me because it would make me happy at the expense of any peace he may get from drinking. I think his drunken life is miserable, but he gets some kind of relief that sobriety does not give him. So, for the first time in my life I'm in love with a man who is in love with me who can't be with me. This is such a confusing place to be and I feel so absolutely powerless to do anything about it, but live through it.
I hope he finds happiness and in the process I can heal and move into a place where I can breath with ease. I miss him and have to let him go no matter how much it hurts. Frankly, I don't know how I'm going to do it.
I miss you with tear filled eyes.
The nights have been the most ardguious for me to manage. When the last meeting of the day is over. When my AA family is home living their lives. When the last phone call is made. The time will inevitably come when I find myself acutely aware of the silence, the loneliness, the heartache and I sit with it all. Not fighting, not questioning, not running away. I hold on to the deep resolve I have within for just one more second, one more minute, one more hour until it passes. Then, sometime in the night I fall asleep to wake up and go to one more meeting, meet one more AA friend, make one more call so when I find myself acutely aware I can make it one more day. These moments are the miracles of AA because right now I should be drunk or high running from my tender heart soaked feelings, but I'm imperfectly living it one moment at a time. I don't know where I'd be without the rooms and those who fill them.
I've been listening to a lot of sad songs. It seems that I want to be in a sad place since Steve left. Most of the time I'm fine and am able to move forward moment by moment, but the time comes everyday when the pain of loosing him fills me up. Those are the times the great compulsion to run out and find him hits. I've called his phone a few times and it goes directly to voice mail. I think he either pawned the phone, lost it or broke it. I don't know what I'd say, but the hope is that he'd hear my voice and run to me, but I know that won't be the case.
I want him back and I can't have him because he is miserable sober. I don't want him to be with me because it would make me happy at the expense of any peace he may get from drinking. I think his drunken life is miserable, but he gets some kind of relief that sobriety does not give him. So, for the first time in my life I'm in love with a man who is in love with me who can't be with me. This is such a confusing place to be and I feel so absolutely powerless to do anything about it, but live through it.
I hope he finds happiness and in the process I can heal and move into a place where I can breath with ease. I miss him and have to let him go no matter how much it hurts. Frankly, I don't know how I'm going to do it.
I miss you with tear filled eyes.
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