Victim?
.
On 1-7-11 I had to go to the Family Advocacy Center to get a protective order/restraining order against Steve. It was one of the saddest moments of my entire life. To have to go thru legal channels to protect myself from someone I love so dearly.
Steve had no choice but to contact my family members to try to get to me since I changed my phone number within 30 minutes of hanging up on him. I told him would no longer be involved in a relationship with him and the only reason is because he drank. I really needed him to know that was the only reason I was ending our relationship. He called my mother once and has repeatedly called my brother drunk and has left some very threatening phone calls. He is very angry and has no way to deal with it so he has decided to choose me as his outlet. The problem is since he has been violent with me in the past I had to get help. I believe him when he says he it coming to get me and that frightens me.
So, when my brother said, "you should go get a restraining order." I did not really know if I should. Yes, I believe he is capable of hurting me when he is drunk and yes he has hurt me in the past. So to make sure I was not over doing it I meet with my couples counselor. After our discussion she was clear that I was in a form of denial and that I needed to go get the restraining order taken care of immediately. When I left her office I drove straight to the center to receive help. On the way there I just couldn't believe that I was getting a protective order, me.
On the way I also did what I have been taught to do when my emotions are running high, I called my sponsor. I got the answering machine and as I was taught left a message letting her know what was happening and how I was feeling. I no longer take for granted what emotions can do to the mind. Many many times in the past have I gotten drunk over some emotional event I thought was no big deal. My no big deals tent to be big deals as my big deals tend to be no big deals. Another sign that I really am an alcoholic, like I need any more proof.
When I entered the center I started to feel an emotion I could not really identify immediately. When that happens I worry because I am quite skilled and identifying my feeling and where there are grounded/coming from. It took a day for me to identify the feeling of shame. I don't feel shame often and so I was glad to be able to identify it and I only did so because I was talking to a confidant about the process of getting a protective order.
I am so grateful for sponsorship because a second view always seems to help either to give you confidence in your decision making, help with things you don't necessarily see, and just allow you to speak to get things off you chest. She passed on what she heard in a meeting about shame and guilt. That those are two emotions that do not do an alcoholic any justice. That we have to find the root of the emotion in some other emotion and with that healing can begin.
I found mine within a day by talking with my sponsor. My shame had been grounded in my intelligence, ego. How could have I found myself in an physically abusive relationship? I know better, I am smarter than that. I grew up with devastating violence with an alcoholic father. How? How, could I of all people?! So I continued to tell this stranger before me my story for the first time and realized that victims don't tell or talk about it or even reach out for help until way after when fear forces you to take action.
I was so rattled I had to go to a meeting and shared about my experience. My fear was that I had never really heard a meeting about domestic abuse and I was afraid how those in the rooms would feel about me and think about my situation. Would I be ridiculed behind my back? Would I loose the respect of my AA piers? What I found shocking was when I sat back and listened there were so many who suffered as I did. Worse there were people who had it so much worse and I was so sad for them, but I was glad that I was not alone anymore. The most shocking were the people who I knew for years who I had great respect for had similar stories. Again, another sign that victims have of being the only one and no one would understand.
I don't want to drink. So, I shared a very intimate part of my life because I don't know what my disease will try to use against me. That night I armed myself with the knowledge that it was okay and that I once again was not alone.
I am a survivor.
On 1-7-11 I had to go to the Family Advocacy Center to get a protective order/restraining order against Steve. It was one of the saddest moments of my entire life. To have to go thru legal channels to protect myself from someone I love so dearly.
Steve had no choice but to contact my family members to try to get to me since I changed my phone number within 30 minutes of hanging up on him. I told him would no longer be involved in a relationship with him and the only reason is because he drank. I really needed him to know that was the only reason I was ending our relationship. He called my mother once and has repeatedly called my brother drunk and has left some very threatening phone calls. He is very angry and has no way to deal with it so he has decided to choose me as his outlet. The problem is since he has been violent with me in the past I had to get help. I believe him when he says he it coming to get me and that frightens me.
So, when my brother said, "you should go get a restraining order." I did not really know if I should. Yes, I believe he is capable of hurting me when he is drunk and yes he has hurt me in the past. So to make sure I was not over doing it I meet with my couples counselor. After our discussion she was clear that I was in a form of denial and that I needed to go get the restraining order taken care of immediately. When I left her office I drove straight to the center to receive help. On the way there I just couldn't believe that I was getting a protective order, me.
On the way I also did what I have been taught to do when my emotions are running high, I called my sponsor. I got the answering machine and as I was taught left a message letting her know what was happening and how I was feeling. I no longer take for granted what emotions can do to the mind. Many many times in the past have I gotten drunk over some emotional event I thought was no big deal. My no big deals tent to be big deals as my big deals tend to be no big deals. Another sign that I really am an alcoholic, like I need any more proof.
When I entered the center I started to feel an emotion I could not really identify immediately. When that happens I worry because I am quite skilled and identifying my feeling and where there are grounded/coming from. It took a day for me to identify the feeling of shame. I don't feel shame often and so I was glad to be able to identify it and I only did so because I was talking to a confidant about the process of getting a protective order.
I am so grateful for sponsorship because a second view always seems to help either to give you confidence in your decision making, help with things you don't necessarily see, and just allow you to speak to get things off you chest. She passed on what she heard in a meeting about shame and guilt. That those are two emotions that do not do an alcoholic any justice. That we have to find the root of the emotion in some other emotion and with that healing can begin.
I found mine within a day by talking with my sponsor. My shame had been grounded in my intelligence, ego. How could have I found myself in an physically abusive relationship? I know better, I am smarter than that. I grew up with devastating violence with an alcoholic father. How? How, could I of all people?! So I continued to tell this stranger before me my story for the first time and realized that victims don't tell or talk about it or even reach out for help until way after when fear forces you to take action.
I was so rattled I had to go to a meeting and shared about my experience. My fear was that I had never really heard a meeting about domestic abuse and I was afraid how those in the rooms would feel about me and think about my situation. Would I be ridiculed behind my back? Would I loose the respect of my AA piers? What I found shocking was when I sat back and listened there were so many who suffered as I did. Worse there were people who had it so much worse and I was so sad for them, but I was glad that I was not alone anymore. The most shocking were the people who I knew for years who I had great respect for had similar stories. Again, another sign that victims have of being the only one and no one would understand.
I don't want to drink. So, I shared a very intimate part of my life because I don't know what my disease will try to use against me. That night I armed myself with the knowledge that it was okay and that I once again was not alone.
I am a survivor.
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