The Ring.
.
I love my ring and what it stands for. When Steve and I went to get them we got the cheapest one's we could afford. I thought they would be temporary until we could afford something more ornate and expensive. As time passed I realized that I did not want another ring that this ring was the one that we were suppose to have and that it bounded us together. It secured our hopes, dreams, love, desires and everything two people want out of a relationship till death do us part.
As I sit here writing I am overwhelmed by my sadness over our relationships end. I want to just break down and cry until my eyes get puffy, my eyes turn sold red and my tear ducks run dry. I hurt for his love, his touch, his smile upon looking at me. I yearn for his comport and the security I felt in his presence most of all I just want us not to be over. I miss him so much and I work really hard not to run away from my grieving heart. Especially now with the cold and rain beating down on him somewhere out on the streets seeking shelter from them.
When I took my ring off and it hurt, worse I did not know what to do with it. I just couldn't throw it away, give it someone else, or hide it in some deep corner of my stuff. I was aghast as what to do with this ring that held so much of my hopes, dreams and absolute beliefs of our love. Now it is a reminder of what was and how it feels today for that to be gone. I had to sit for a few seconds with my feelings. I don't want to not experience them because the pain is a reminder of the capacity of how much I can love and do love him
It took a few day for me to figure out what to do with the ring, but it finally came to me. My ring, our ring is sacred. I have only one other place that I hold with the same regard and that is my Buddhist shrine. I walked over looked at my ring stood for a moment then placed it next to my begging bowl. I'm in so much emotional pain and I love Steve so much, but I can't help him. He is an alcoholic who has started drinking again. I can't go back, I almost died permanently the last time and as much as I love him I love me more. It just never hurt to love me like it does with Steve. I'm going into the slow uncontrollable cry now. The heavy sighing blowing your nose kind.
The most loving thing I can do for Steve is to leave him and let him know that the only reason I left is because he drank. He needs to feel the consequences of his drinking if he is to get sober. I sure feel it, but for me it is about taking care of myself. I want to run and get him and help him, but I can't because like a drowning man who does not know how to swim he will take hold and take me with him no matter how much he loves me. Steve loves me I know it to be true and he does a damn good job at it, sober.
So from time to time I look at the ring on my shrine and I feel the lost love of what could have been if not for alcoholism. He fucked up!!!! Now I hurt!!! Big sobbing cry. The ring will stay there from this day forward as a reminder of the capacity of love two people can have for one another. For the ability to experience pain without suffering and for finally loving myself enough to take care of my self first regardless of how I feel.
Loving myself sometimes means that it will hurt, but it never means hurting myself.
I love my ring and what it stands for. When Steve and I went to get them we got the cheapest one's we could afford. I thought they would be temporary until we could afford something more ornate and expensive. As time passed I realized that I did not want another ring that this ring was the one that we were suppose to have and that it bounded us together. It secured our hopes, dreams, love, desires and everything two people want out of a relationship till death do us part.
As I sit here writing I am overwhelmed by my sadness over our relationships end. I want to just break down and cry until my eyes get puffy, my eyes turn sold red and my tear ducks run dry. I hurt for his love, his touch, his smile upon looking at me. I yearn for his comport and the security I felt in his presence most of all I just want us not to be over. I miss him so much and I work really hard not to run away from my grieving heart. Especially now with the cold and rain beating down on him somewhere out on the streets seeking shelter from them.
When I took my ring off and it hurt, worse I did not know what to do with it. I just couldn't throw it away, give it someone else, or hide it in some deep corner of my stuff. I was aghast as what to do with this ring that held so much of my hopes, dreams and absolute beliefs of our love. Now it is a reminder of what was and how it feels today for that to be gone. I had to sit for a few seconds with my feelings. I don't want to not experience them because the pain is a reminder of the capacity of how much I can love and do love him
It took a few day for me to figure out what to do with the ring, but it finally came to me. My ring, our ring is sacred. I have only one other place that I hold with the same regard and that is my Buddhist shrine. I walked over looked at my ring stood for a moment then placed it next to my begging bowl. I'm in so much emotional pain and I love Steve so much, but I can't help him. He is an alcoholic who has started drinking again. I can't go back, I almost died permanently the last time and as much as I love him I love me more. It just never hurt to love me like it does with Steve. I'm going into the slow uncontrollable cry now. The heavy sighing blowing your nose kind.
The most loving thing I can do for Steve is to leave him and let him know that the only reason I left is because he drank. He needs to feel the consequences of his drinking if he is to get sober. I sure feel it, but for me it is about taking care of myself. I want to run and get him and help him, but I can't because like a drowning man who does not know how to swim he will take hold and take me with him no matter how much he loves me. Steve loves me I know it to be true and he does a damn good job at it, sober.
So from time to time I look at the ring on my shrine and I feel the lost love of what could have been if not for alcoholism. He fucked up!!!! Now I hurt!!! Big sobbing cry. The ring will stay there from this day forward as a reminder of the capacity of love two people can have for one another. For the ability to experience pain without suffering and for finally loving myself enough to take care of my self first regardless of how I feel.
Loving myself sometimes means that it will hurt, but it never means hurting myself.
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