Our Hail Mary Pass
.
I just left my therapist office and left felling worse off than when I went in. That really never happened before and it is because I had a better idea of how bad things are for me with Steve. Really it is that I am not getting it in the way a healthy person (person who has healthy boundaries) does. Then out of no where Steve calls and tells me he is done and ready to go into detox. I'm excited, but cautious because I just don't believe it, I just have hope for it.
I am so glad he called because I did not think he really believes me when I say this is it. In fact my therapist does not believe it either, but that is okay. I know I'm done because I'm just too tired and my feelings are waining. I do not want to live the life I have been living with him another day, I just can't do it and I really like my life when "Drunk Steve" is not around.
I arrive to pick him up, but before I leave I make sure we are on the same page. I don't want to leave without him really getting where I am in all of this. I turn over to him and he looks exhausted, beaten and weathered. My heart sinks just enough for me to feel my heart ache, but I take a breath in and say what has to be said. "I want to be clear here before we drive off. Steve, if I drive off with you you need to understand that this is it. If you do not enter detox we will be over. I don't care where you go to get it done, but if you don't go I will leave and not look back. I will not want to be your friend and I will not ever ask about you and how you are doing? If you leave detox before they discharge you or if you drink right after you get out, we-are-done. I need to know you understand what I am telling you, do you?"
He acknowledges he does and I make him tell me what I said and he is on board. I leave fearful and hopeful all at the same time and it manifest itself as anxiety. The night is not as bad as I expected, but it did not go as smooth as I hoped. When it was all said and done by 11:00am the next morning he is being checked in and I am walking away knowing this is our Hail Mary pass for this relationship to work.
I leave knowing that our chances are slim, but it is a chance. I love him so much, but I cherish my sobriety and no one will every put me in a position to drink again. For me to drink is to die, I know it now because it happened already. I was just lucky I had great doctors and nurses as well as a mother who prayed to her God. If not for that, I'd be dead-permanently.
We have hope.
I just left my therapist office and left felling worse off than when I went in. That really never happened before and it is because I had a better idea of how bad things are for me with Steve. Really it is that I am not getting it in the way a healthy person (person who has healthy boundaries) does. Then out of no where Steve calls and tells me he is done and ready to go into detox. I'm excited, but cautious because I just don't believe it, I just have hope for it.
I am so glad he called because I did not think he really believes me when I say this is it. In fact my therapist does not believe it either, but that is okay. I know I'm done because I'm just too tired and my feelings are waining. I do not want to live the life I have been living with him another day, I just can't do it and I really like my life when "Drunk Steve" is not around.
I arrive to pick him up, but before I leave I make sure we are on the same page. I don't want to leave without him really getting where I am in all of this. I turn over to him and he looks exhausted, beaten and weathered. My heart sinks just enough for me to feel my heart ache, but I take a breath in and say what has to be said. "I want to be clear here before we drive off. Steve, if I drive off with you you need to understand that this is it. If you do not enter detox we will be over. I don't care where you go to get it done, but if you don't go I will leave and not look back. I will not want to be your friend and I will not ever ask about you and how you are doing? If you leave detox before they discharge you or if you drink right after you get out, we-are-done. I need to know you understand what I am telling you, do you?"
He acknowledges he does and I make him tell me what I said and he is on board. I leave fearful and hopeful all at the same time and it manifest itself as anxiety. The night is not as bad as I expected, but it did not go as smooth as I hoped. When it was all said and done by 11:00am the next morning he is being checked in and I am walking away knowing this is our Hail Mary pass for this relationship to work.
I leave knowing that our chances are slim, but it is a chance. I love him so much, but I cherish my sobriety and no one will every put me in a position to drink again. For me to drink is to die, I know it now because it happened already. I was just lucky I had great doctors and nurses as well as a mother who prayed to her God. If not for that, I'd be dead-permanently.
We have hope.
Comments
Post a Comment