Intimate Friends Alcoholism, HIV, & Cancer
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I remember quite vividly the day of October 5, 1993 it was the day that should have changed how I lived my life just like I've seen in movies, read in a book or see on a t.v. show. I knew what the news was going to be, how I don't know but I knew. I couldn't sit in the same room with the others it was just too frightening so I sat in the main triage room until the nurse came over and told me my physician was ready for me.
As I walked to her office I'm sure I had had a conversation going on in my head, but what I remember most is how I felt in that exact moment. Afraid, alone, panic and self restraint I wish bravery was one I felt, but it wasn't. I walked into the room and the doctor greeted me with a nice smile and asked me to sit. Then she told me, "Benny, your results came back positive." She let me sit and contemplate what I had just heard, I was HIV+. I was not surprised I would get it, but now of all times. I had been sexually active only twice in the past 6-8 months, how ironic.
"So what now doc, am I going to have to go on meds?" I asked. "No, your numbers are great. You will just have to come back every 6 months for labs." she said with compassion and subtle authority. With and "okay" I left and blocked my emotions from that day forward. I would show up for my future appointments and take the medications when it was time, but what I remember is I never questioned her diagnosis, I did as I was suggested to do because she was the expert and I trusted her with my life.
I remember quite vividly July 2, 1999 it was the day that should have changed how I lived just like I've seen in movies, read in a book or see on a t.v. show. I knew what the news was going to be, how I don't know but I knew. I sat with the other patients in the waiting room waiting to be asked in to see my doctor. I walked into the room and the doctor greeted me with a nice smile and asked me to sit. Then she told me, "Benny, your results came back positive." She let me sit and contemplate what I had just heard, I had cancer; it was Hodgkin's stage II.
This time I was pretty naive and gun-ho about it. With an confident voice and upbeat tempo I asked "So what's the plan? Lets get this done." Who knew 45 radiation treatments later I would be in ICU 30lbs lighter, with radiation burns fighting for my life. I had less than a 50/50 chance and I was getting sicker my the minute and had 15 more radiation treatments to go; I survived by a hairs breath. I would experience this process 3 more times in the next 7 years. I did the radiation twice, chemo once and surgery to remove one cancer. I did all the treatments, what I remember is I never questioned her diagnosis, I did as I was suggested to do because she was the expert and I trusted her with my life.
I don't remember quite as vividly when way back when I first heard I was an alcoholic. I was 16ish and someone I was drinking with said "you know your an alcoholic." It was a statement not a question and I just brushed it off by asking for another drink. The years zip by and I wake up in the hospital from a break down and I hear that I was being moved to the alcoholic ward of the hospital.
I'm sitting in one of the common rooms when my doctor walks in and it was the day that should have changed how I lived just like I've seen in movies, read in a book or see on a t.v. show. I knew what the news was going to be and I knew why. She sat next to me and said "Benny, your an alcoholic and need to get into treatment." She let me sit and contemplate what I had just heard, I was an alcoholic.
I stayed in the hospital until I got better. I even went to treatment, but I questioned her diagnosis and went out and drank for the next 15+ years going in and out of AA, treatment centers, hospital wards etc. I did so until I ended up on life support on July 18, 2010 for an overdose of pills and alcohol.
That is how powerful alcoholism is in my opinion. Without question I will accept diagnosis of HIV and Cancer. I will take the treatments that will cause me great physical pain and mental anguish. I will fight to my last dying breath because I trust my doctor to do right by me. Now, she tells me I am an alcoholic and she is wrong, she does not know what she is talking about. All the evidence is there and the doctor who I trusted all these years is saying these are the symptoms and alcoholism manifestations, still I hang on to the idea that I am NOT an alcoholic.
That is how deadly alcoholism is and it killed me, twice. I was just lucky I died in a hospital room where doctors could intervene. When I came to 5 weeks later then went home three weeks after that my life changed just like I've seen in movies, read in a book or see on a t.v. show. Today I believe like I did on October 5, 1993 and July 2, 1999.
I am an alcoholic.
I remember quite vividly the day of October 5, 1993 it was the day that should have changed how I lived my life just like I've seen in movies, read in a book or see on a t.v. show. I knew what the news was going to be, how I don't know but I knew. I couldn't sit in the same room with the others it was just too frightening so I sat in the main triage room until the nurse came over and told me my physician was ready for me.
As I walked to her office I'm sure I had had a conversation going on in my head, but what I remember most is how I felt in that exact moment. Afraid, alone, panic and self restraint I wish bravery was one I felt, but it wasn't. I walked into the room and the doctor greeted me with a nice smile and asked me to sit. Then she told me, "Benny, your results came back positive." She let me sit and contemplate what I had just heard, I was HIV+. I was not surprised I would get it, but now of all times. I had been sexually active only twice in the past 6-8 months, how ironic.
"So what now doc, am I going to have to go on meds?" I asked. "No, your numbers are great. You will just have to come back every 6 months for labs." she said with compassion and subtle authority. With and "okay" I left and blocked my emotions from that day forward. I would show up for my future appointments and take the medications when it was time, but what I remember is I never questioned her diagnosis, I did as I was suggested to do because she was the expert and I trusted her with my life.
I remember quite vividly July 2, 1999 it was the day that should have changed how I lived just like I've seen in movies, read in a book or see on a t.v. show. I knew what the news was going to be, how I don't know but I knew. I sat with the other patients in the waiting room waiting to be asked in to see my doctor. I walked into the room and the doctor greeted me with a nice smile and asked me to sit. Then she told me, "Benny, your results came back positive." She let me sit and contemplate what I had just heard, I had cancer; it was Hodgkin's stage II.
This time I was pretty naive and gun-ho about it. With an confident voice and upbeat tempo I asked "So what's the plan? Lets get this done." Who knew 45 radiation treatments later I would be in ICU 30lbs lighter, with radiation burns fighting for my life. I had less than a 50/50 chance and I was getting sicker my the minute and had 15 more radiation treatments to go; I survived by a hairs breath. I would experience this process 3 more times in the next 7 years. I did the radiation twice, chemo once and surgery to remove one cancer. I did all the treatments, what I remember is I never questioned her diagnosis, I did as I was suggested to do because she was the expert and I trusted her with my life.
I don't remember quite as vividly when way back when I first heard I was an alcoholic. I was 16ish and someone I was drinking with said "you know your an alcoholic." It was a statement not a question and I just brushed it off by asking for another drink. The years zip by and I wake up in the hospital from a break down and I hear that I was being moved to the alcoholic ward of the hospital.
I'm sitting in one of the common rooms when my doctor walks in and it was the day that should have changed how I lived just like I've seen in movies, read in a book or see on a t.v. show. I knew what the news was going to be and I knew why. She sat next to me and said "Benny, your an alcoholic and need to get into treatment." She let me sit and contemplate what I had just heard, I was an alcoholic.
I stayed in the hospital until I got better. I even went to treatment, but I questioned her diagnosis and went out and drank for the next 15+ years going in and out of AA, treatment centers, hospital wards etc. I did so until I ended up on life support on July 18, 2010 for an overdose of pills and alcohol.
That is how powerful alcoholism is in my opinion. Without question I will accept diagnosis of HIV and Cancer. I will take the treatments that will cause me great physical pain and mental anguish. I will fight to my last dying breath because I trust my doctor to do right by me. Now, she tells me I am an alcoholic and she is wrong, she does not know what she is talking about. All the evidence is there and the doctor who I trusted all these years is saying these are the symptoms and alcoholism manifestations, still I hang on to the idea that I am NOT an alcoholic.
That is how deadly alcoholism is and it killed me, twice. I was just lucky I died in a hospital room where doctors could intervene. When I came to 5 weeks later then went home three weeks after that my life changed just like I've seen in movies, read in a book or see on a t.v. show. Today I believe like I did on October 5, 1993 and July 2, 1999.
I am an alcoholic.
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