The Fellowship Has Sustained Me

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The last three days have been the most difficult in sobriety I have had to face. The fear and anxiety from my cancer diagnosis has been overwhelming. I don’t know why, but I feel awkward telling people what cancer I have, Carcinoma of the Anus, because of the location. Then again I don’t shy away from telling people when they ask because it is the truth.

The research shows some good 5-year survivor rates for stage I and II, but they go down dramatically for stage IIIA and IIIB and the worst is stage 3, which is terminal. My cancer was described as invasive, which leads me to believe it is at least stage II.. I keep getting a sense of great foreboding that has me in tears daily. I keep reminding myself stay present because right here right now I am okay and have everything I need.

As I have learned in AA, I have been going to a lot of meetings and sharing how I am staying sober through this. I am a strong believer of not dumping in meetings because how is that suppose to provide experience, strength and hope for the newcomer and the other members in the meeting. I don’t pretend that I am okay and keep a brave face on when I share. I share exactly where I am in that moment, which allows me to rely on the spiritual energy in the rooms.

What I have been relying on the most is the fellowship of AA. I learned early on that the meeting before the meeting and the meeting after the meeting are just as important. For the first time I am heavily relying of the members of AA. I have forced myself to hang out with my AA friends and I do so because I value my sobriety and want to face my cancer head on. We had the International Conference of People here in San Antonio and I went with the intention of doing a drag number for their show on Friday night. I volunteered to do two other drag queens makeup and I did a good job. Unfortunately, I ran out of time to do my makeup. I was disappointed, but I had a lot of fun with the other AA members.

Later that night, I was on the Internet researching my cancer and again became overwhelmed with what I will face on Monday when I see my surgeon. He will tell me, hopefully, what stage is my cancer is. My mind kept taking me to a terminal diagnosis and it freaks me out. I tried to go to sleep, but was unable to stop thinking about Monday. I tried not to cry, but finally called another 12-step member at 5 a.m. and fell apart. It was one of the few times I called anyone at an odd hour. After our discussion, I felt better and was able to fall asleep.

On Saturday I attended a going away party for friends who are moving to California. I was in no mood to go, but I knew it was important for me to do so. I had an okay time, but felt out of sorts and wanted to leave. I stayed and many of those who attended took a moment to offer some genuine support and offer their time to anything I may need in the future. I intend to take their offer when the time comes. I came home exhausted and went straight to bed.

The fellowship of AA has sustained me and I expect it will do so until my journey is over with cancer. If it weren’t for the AA member I don’t know what I would do and how to handle this experience.