A Grieving Amends
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For several months now I have been filled with thoughts of Jo, Robyn and Debbie. Three wonderful and kind hearted women who became friends and were my employers. Because of my drinking and drugging I put them in a professional quandary in regards as what to do with a friend they really care about who is not living up to the professional standards that are required.
Two of these women are aware of my addiction and have tried to work with me, but as only an addict can do I pushed them to the point of having to let me go. I created the situation and I was well aware what needed to occur I was just unaware of how much it would hurt to lose my positions I loved so dearly.
So, for months and months I wanted to go and make amends to these women, but found myself unable to because of my addiction. I could not safely go and tell them one more time I was sorry without having something substantial that they would notice enough to be open to the idea that I not only meant it but, was going to do something about it. So I figured a year of sobriety would be my starting point when I would seriously consider going and making amends.
I must say that I was filled with so much sadness that I could not go and tell them how greatly I grieved for the discomfort and distress I caused them. I felt for these women because I grew to love them in my own special way. These people had been so good to me and supportive that it burdened me to know that I was the catalyst to all their discomfort surrounding me. I was the problem they needed to solve to make sure they secured their jobs and were able to meet their clients needs. I was the problem that caused them to worry about my well being because they grew to care for me as a person in their life.
I would go on Facebook and see them all the time and wonder when I would be able to talk to them. If ever I would be able sit and share a conversation about interpreting and just our lives in general, then a blessing occurred. I received a Facebook friend request from Jo who wanted to know how I was doing and I was so happy that she put her hand out to me. I was beaming from within because this was the opportunity I had been waiting for. A sign that said it is time and you are ready, but more importantly she was ready.
I will not go into detail as to what occurred in our meeting, the story would take to long to write. I will tell you that when I arrived I had no fear of sitting and talking with her. So, as I waited for her to finish up with a student I thought of how grateful I was to be in a place I had missed so much. Then Jo walked over with the kindest eyes and the largest smile and embraced me like a long lost friend and it felt so good and comforting. I had missed her more than I had anticipated I would. We sat and had a wonderful frank discussion of the past and our relationship since.
What I found astonishing was the ease in which both of us were able to talk about our feeling about the past and present. There was no shame, drama, over apologetic... It was simply two people talking about their feelings about one another. Then the kicker, we started catching up and sharing about our lives as if time had not stepped between us. It was wonderful.
Now, I have been freed from such a burden I thought would have me for many months to come. I consider myself fortunate to have such wonderful people in my life who are able to forgive and love me in spite of my character defects.
Two more to go.
For several months now I have been filled with thoughts of Jo, Robyn and Debbie. Three wonderful and kind hearted women who became friends and were my employers. Because of my drinking and drugging I put them in a professional quandary in regards as what to do with a friend they really care about who is not living up to the professional standards that are required.
Two of these women are aware of my addiction and have tried to work with me, but as only an addict can do I pushed them to the point of having to let me go. I created the situation and I was well aware what needed to occur I was just unaware of how much it would hurt to lose my positions I loved so dearly.
So, for months and months I wanted to go and make amends to these women, but found myself unable to because of my addiction. I could not safely go and tell them one more time I was sorry without having something substantial that they would notice enough to be open to the idea that I not only meant it but, was going to do something about it. So I figured a year of sobriety would be my starting point when I would seriously consider going and making amends.
I must say that I was filled with so much sadness that I could not go and tell them how greatly I grieved for the discomfort and distress I caused them. I felt for these women because I grew to love them in my own special way. These people had been so good to me and supportive that it burdened me to know that I was the catalyst to all their discomfort surrounding me. I was the problem they needed to solve to make sure they secured their jobs and were able to meet their clients needs. I was the problem that caused them to worry about my well being because they grew to care for me as a person in their life.
I would go on Facebook and see them all the time and wonder when I would be able to talk to them. If ever I would be able sit and share a conversation about interpreting and just our lives in general, then a blessing occurred. I received a Facebook friend request from Jo who wanted to know how I was doing and I was so happy that she put her hand out to me. I was beaming from within because this was the opportunity I had been waiting for. A sign that said it is time and you are ready, but more importantly she was ready.
I will not go into detail as to what occurred in our meeting, the story would take to long to write. I will tell you that when I arrived I had no fear of sitting and talking with her. So, as I waited for her to finish up with a student I thought of how grateful I was to be in a place I had missed so much. Then Jo walked over with the kindest eyes and the largest smile and embraced me like a long lost friend and it felt so good and comforting. I had missed her more than I had anticipated I would. We sat and had a wonderful frank discussion of the past and our relationship since.
What I found astonishing was the ease in which both of us were able to talk about our feeling about the past and present. There was no shame, drama, over apologetic... It was simply two people talking about their feelings about one another. Then the kicker, we started catching up and sharing about our lives as if time had not stepped between us. It was wonderful.
Now, I have been freed from such a burden I thought would have me for many months to come. I consider myself fortunate to have such wonderful people in my life who are able to forgive and love me in spite of my character defects.
Two more to go.
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