Will You Be Sober?

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This is my first assignment outside of the 12 step work. So I decided to share it with you and see what happens. I was in a group conscious meeting (a meeting where the members of an AA group come together to make decision for the group as a whole) and everything was going fine until I heard words never uttered to me in the 16 years I’ve been in AA. 

The topic had come to Thanksgiving and what the group wanted to do. When the group decided to buy a turkey and tamales I raised my hand one more time and volunteered to cook the turkey and buy the tamales. Then the unexpected happened, a fellow member who has always been kind and loving turned around and in a timid joking manner said, “You will still be sober then?” I was taken aback by this comment and really did not know how to feel about it. I was absolutely confused by this persons comment which was very out of character. I told myself that she was kidding, which I believe, and to just let it go. 

As the next couple of days passed that vision of her turning over to me and saying those words would not leave me. So on the second day I called my sponsor and left a message for her to call me back because I was having issues and needed to talk it out with her. The rest of the week I did not know if I was upset, puzzled, resentful or what, but I needed help to come to some resolution. 

I had to either let it go or talk with the person who made the comment, but I did not want to take any action without talking with my sponsor. I never really have reservations about  confronting another AA member so this was no big deal for me, but being so confused over how I felt or did not feel made this different from anything I ever had to encounter in AA before.

When I sat down to discuss this with my sponsor I though she would say, “I think it would be a good idea to sit with her and talk about how her comment made you feel...” Well as only a sponsor can, I was surprised with the suggestion of sitting with the feeling, not talking to the other AA member and write about the experience and how you feel about it. So I walked away thinking, “ok, she knows what she is talking about. So lets see where this goes.”

How I feel is confused. I really don’t feel anger, resentful, hurt, insulted, but it did not feel good. Disappointed and surprise is about as close as I can pin point it, but even then it is not the right words to describe the experience. Frankly it feels like a lost memory that wants to show itself, but can’t. What I’m thinking now is that maybe its like I wanted to react like I use to, but it just didn’t feel right doing that. Maybe that is the confusion of it all. My body had a definite reaction, but emotionally I reacted differently which in turn caused my perplexity.

Frankly at this moment I don’t feel like doing anything about it at all. What I find more pressing is having to bake a turkey. I regret volunteering, but the group has been great to me and it is my way of saying thank you even though they will not know it. At least I won’t tell them. 

So, only time will tell.