Emotionally Bombarded

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Since leaving the hospital on September 17 I have been bombarded by so many emotions. I had to deal with trying to get physically capable of functioning everyday as I had before. I had an open stoma from a tracheostomy and a non-functioning feeding tube that was coiled and taped to my I stomach. I had three more weeks of looking down at my feeding tube which looked like a parasite of some sort. I am  memory issues, my short term memory was not functioning as profeciant like it was before my hospitalization. I also lost some memory that I had before the hospitalization. I have had to deal with how my actions have affected those who are closest to me. Then I had to try to deal with my own emotions and what I did to myself. And if that were not enough I was told my partner Steve had to leave and go home to Austin because he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer which is 97% fatal. Then to find out his is in San Antonio and healthy and doing well. I had to move in with my mother who is a devout and involved Catholic and I am a devoted Buddhist. So, put all this together and I am overwhelmed and without any mind altering drugs to help me cope (use to work) I feel everything all at the same time and I have to try to stay sane in the process has been a challenge to say the least.

With all the above I think what has been the most difficult part is how just to be myself when I don't even know who I am anymore. I had a very difficult time trying to reconnect with my past friends. Worse yet I don't know how to feel about just waking up in the morning. I feel like I woke up in someone elses life. I have yet to call all my friends from the past or gotten involved in the activites that brought my joy. I believe it's based in fear, fear of being rejected, fear of not enjoy what I once did, fear that I no longer am Benny. I have always had a confidence in who I was, but now I feel lost and alone.

The world went on without me when I was in the hospital and everything out there seems just fine. If ever a time I felt insugnificant it is now. My family and a few close friends did show up, but when it was all said and done my passing would have not left any type of imprint in this world. I feel that the last 41 years have been wasted on trying to enjoy myself and make myself happy at the cost of everyone I came into contact with.

I have made contact with a few friends and had one on one dinners, coffee or lunch. I feel safe doing that it that way and it allows me to focus on one person and it allows them to freely speak their mind if they so choose to. This also allows me to see how I react emotionally and physically when I put myself out there in such a vulnerable position. I have been using Facebook to get myself back into the social setting and get a feel for what people are thinking. I just put up pretty much what is happening, but I have not discussed the overdose at all.

So all in all I guess I'm doing just fine considering all that I am dealing with. If I did not have my psychiatrist, psychotherapist, couples counselor, my AA group, sponsor, family, Steve and faith all there to help me along I would be in peaces right now.

So, I know take it one step at a time.


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