Alcohol, Cocaine, Xanax and Life Support
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Six weeks out of the hospital, exact date September 17, 2010 and things are starting to get a bet confusing. After the experience of my first post dated December 9, 2009 most people think I would be clean and sober 11 month now, but unfortunately that is not the case. Right when you think it can't possibly get any worse you look back and think not again. So what brought me back to drinking and doing drugs. I'd like to blame something out of myself, but frankly I can't. So what that lead to the date of July 18? At its base it was self filled with insanity.
The definition used in the room of AA for insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That is me in a nut shell thinking somehow it will be different this time. The situation I find myself in is always different, but feelings are always the same. So some how I convince myself that things will be different and they do get different, they get worse.
So, what happened. I wish I new, but I do not have a whole clear picture. What I remember is having my car break down on the freeway. Steve my now partner leaves walking and my mother picking me up. I am feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by what life was bombarding me with. I don't remember ever stoping for a drink, but I remember telling my mother that I wanted one more beer and I was going to go get it. She was very adimate that I did not need another drink and should just go to my room. So, I put the pressure on and told her that I was going and so she gave in out of fear and went instead. That last thing I remember was my mother walking out the front door to go by me a beer.
The rest of the story was told to me when I came to and could ask questions and remember what people told me 2 months later. My mother came home and asked her husband where I was and he said I was asleep and she should leave me alone. Fortunately for me she did not listen, a skill she has developed through the years. She came into my room to find me on the floor surrounded by vomit. The room was very hot because I had put the A/C on fan and not Cool therefore I was sweeting heavily. My mother tried to wake me up, but I wouldn't and just then my sister shows up and tries to get me to respond as well. Soon after the police and paramedics showed up and so does the drama.
My HIV status became an issue with one of the police officers and he paid for it. My sister and one of the paramedics jump on his ass. After I was taken to the hospital he went up to my sister and apologized. As only my sister would she took the opportunity to educate him and made it clear how people regardless of HIV status should be treated and respected.
At the hospital I would be put on life support partly because I had aspirated my vomit. My family would all show up as well as friends. I would be clueless as to what was occurring, but they would be suffering the fear of loosing me. After my recovery one thought crossed my mind that would not leave, "I would have died and not known it." That thought bothered me to no end I did not know what to do with the thoughts or feelings. The worst of it all is that I did it to myself for no reason other than I needed a drink. What they found in my system was alcohol, cocaine (a surprise since I don't remember taking any) and Xanax, which I was popping like tick tacks.
I would be on life support for five weeks, two heart stoppages, and 3 calls to family that I was not going to make it. All that and I did not have to feel a single part of it compared to those who loved me who felt fear, hopelessness, helplessness, anger and a whole bunch of other feeling that I instigated by a single drink. Additionally I would spend a few weeks in MICU where I dealt with a bunch of horribly terrifying hallucinations. Then a week at ICU where my mind started to function normally, but still had issues with memory. This is where I started to separate truth from fantasy it was a long process for me because the hallucinations seemed so real. From ICU I was sent off to to Kindred Hospital for rehabilitation which lasted 3 hard working weeks.
All in all I was suppose to die. As my therapist put it so bluntly when I told him that my heart stopped twice "Oh, so you died. pause twice. Hearing that was a shock because it was never presented to me that way and it just did not occur to me that my heart stopping meant I died. So I should be dead by all accounts. I should have been in the hospital for several more month, but my recovery has been one miracle after another. I am suppose to be here and I will find the reason for it and fulfill it. I have an inclination of what it is, but I will do what is asked of me and it will materialize with out me manipulating the situation
So, we start again.
Six weeks out of the hospital, exact date September 17, 2010 and things are starting to get a bet confusing. After the experience of my first post dated December 9, 2009 most people think I would be clean and sober 11 month now, but unfortunately that is not the case. Right when you think it can't possibly get any worse you look back and think not again. So what brought me back to drinking and doing drugs. I'd like to blame something out of myself, but frankly I can't. So what that lead to the date of July 18? At its base it was self filled with insanity.
The definition used in the room of AA for insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That is me in a nut shell thinking somehow it will be different this time. The situation I find myself in is always different, but feelings are always the same. So some how I convince myself that things will be different and they do get different, they get worse.
So, what happened. I wish I new, but I do not have a whole clear picture. What I remember is having my car break down on the freeway. Steve my now partner leaves walking and my mother picking me up. I am feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by what life was bombarding me with. I don't remember ever stoping for a drink, but I remember telling my mother that I wanted one more beer and I was going to go get it. She was very adimate that I did not need another drink and should just go to my room. So, I put the pressure on and told her that I was going and so she gave in out of fear and went instead. That last thing I remember was my mother walking out the front door to go by me a beer.
The rest of the story was told to me when I came to and could ask questions and remember what people told me 2 months later. My mother came home and asked her husband where I was and he said I was asleep and she should leave me alone. Fortunately for me she did not listen, a skill she has developed through the years. She came into my room to find me on the floor surrounded by vomit. The room was very hot because I had put the A/C on fan and not Cool therefore I was sweeting heavily. My mother tried to wake me up, but I wouldn't and just then my sister shows up and tries to get me to respond as well. Soon after the police and paramedics showed up and so does the drama.
My HIV status became an issue with one of the police officers and he paid for it. My sister and one of the paramedics jump on his ass. After I was taken to the hospital he went up to my sister and apologized. As only my sister would she took the opportunity to educate him and made it clear how people regardless of HIV status should be treated and respected.
At the hospital I would be put on life support partly because I had aspirated my vomit. My family would all show up as well as friends. I would be clueless as to what was occurring, but they would be suffering the fear of loosing me. After my recovery one thought crossed my mind that would not leave, "I would have died and not known it." That thought bothered me to no end I did not know what to do with the thoughts or feelings. The worst of it all is that I did it to myself for no reason other than I needed a drink. What they found in my system was alcohol, cocaine (a surprise since I don't remember taking any) and Xanax, which I was popping like tick tacks.
I would be on life support for five weeks, two heart stoppages, and 3 calls to family that I was not going to make it. All that and I did not have to feel a single part of it compared to those who loved me who felt fear, hopelessness, helplessness, anger and a whole bunch of other feeling that I instigated by a single drink. Additionally I would spend a few weeks in MICU where I dealt with a bunch of horribly terrifying hallucinations. Then a week at ICU where my mind started to function normally, but still had issues with memory. This is where I started to separate truth from fantasy it was a long process for me because the hallucinations seemed so real. From ICU I was sent off to to Kindred Hospital for rehabilitation which lasted 3 hard working weeks.
All in all I was suppose to die. As my therapist put it so bluntly when I told him that my heart stopped twice "Oh, so you died. pause twice. Hearing that was a shock because it was never presented to me that way and it just did not occur to me that my heart stopping meant I died. So I should be dead by all accounts. I should have been in the hospital for several more month, but my recovery has been one miracle after another. I am suppose to be here and I will find the reason for it and fulfill it. I have an inclination of what it is, but I will do what is asked of me and it will materialize with out me manipulating the situation
So, we start again.
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