Thanksgiving 2010

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Thanksgiving 2010 is different from every other Thanksgiving I have celebrated because today I understand the meaning of gratitude that comes from within. I have so much to be grateful for and so many people I am grateful to have in my life, but there are a few things that really stand out this year. 

First, I am so grateful to be alive and doing well. It was only a few short months ago that I was on life support. In fact during that time I died twice and had to have my heart restarted to keep me here. I am grateful to the doctors and nurses who worked so hard to keep me alive even though my chances were dire. With out their intervention I would no longer be in this world.

Second, for reconnecting with Steve and the off chance of our meeting to give us a second chance at love. Steve is an amazing human being who with his presence alone removes any self deprecating thoughts. I feel perfect just the way I am with him. I’m grateful that at 41 years of age I have the opportunity to love again and have that love returned with the same intensity. I have never been so happy with anyone in my life and I am going to cherish our time together.

Also, I’m grateful for my PCP, Therapist, Couples counselor, Meditation instructor for being willing to work with me and help me on the path of recovery and life. Each has given time and has patiently listened and provided me with life advice that has helped me grow as a person. And that growth I embrace humbly because I can revert very easily.

Then, there is my family who I am especially grateful for. My mother for loving me unconditionally. My sister who has always searched for me when I would disappear and she would find me. Mario who has become such a role model for me. I love him so much and to have him back in my life has been such a gift that it brings tears to my eyes that he allowed me back in. I must also mention Chris and her relationship with Mario. They have been a good model for me to observe as a married couple. They have been teaching me what it is to be a good spouse for many years and to see what a healthy relationship looks like. They are the happiest couple I know so I will use my new found knowledge with my relationship with Steve.

Finally, if there is one thing that stands above all is that I no longer have the desire, compulsion or obsession to drink or use drugs. My overdose this past summer changed me in a way nothing I did in the past did no matter how much I worked on myself. My mind is quiet and my emotions are clearer and more settled. I feel vast space has been given to me and all of a sudden life is not so hard to go through. I feel no struggles, no self-loathing, no hopelessness, no desire to not wake up one more day. What ever happened in my brain has given me a bran new life and a freedom I have not experience since early childhood. I can breath without regret today and I consider myself so blessed. I am a very happy person today and I’m glad I’m here to enjoy it.