Steve

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Love is a funny thing. I can cause a person to do things that would be an impossibility in an other situation. I'm one of those romantics that always wanted to find my soul mate and live my life in a house with 2.5 dogs and a white picked fence. I fell into a living mantra of "looking for the next best thing" which back fired repeatedly. 

I have had 3 serious relationships that all failed for different reasons. Today I have fallen in love with a man who has issues of his own. I meet him in rehab that in itself says a lot. He is straight and I am openly gay and in the process of our 28 day program we became very close friends. I have never had a male friend who I shared intimate parts of my struggles and life. I have had friends that were gay men and women plus straight women who I shared those intimate parts of my struggles and life. So this relationship with Steve was completely new. I have always been acutely aware the straight male boundaries such as; don't look to long into their eyes, provide more than enough personal space, don't check them out from head to toe etc. I always wanted those men to feel comfortable around me even though I was not comfortable around them. 

So, when Steve left after his 28 days I became very concerned and worried for him because it was a week interim before he entered the second phase of the program. He would have to survive on the streets with no family or real friends to depend on. So we stood outside on the steps and I whole hardly told him to take care of himself that people really cared about him and no matter what for him to come back. Then I pulled out my wallet and gave him the last money I had for food and such. When I walked in I felt a loneliness and fear I rarely encountered. That was the first time I thought that I might have crossed the line. Then I just let it go without any further contemplatioin.

The week passed, very slowly, and Steve showed up and he looked like a homeless man on his last legs. I broke my heart to see him such bad condition. But the relief I felt was so very calming because he was safe and I had my friend back. Every once in a while I had to think if I crossed the line of our friendship and I was confused by not really having a clear answer. I even had to talk to a few gay male friends of mine about it. Turns out that my concern was something that several of my gay friends had gone through and was given some very good advice, but still no clarity.

Then the day came when I knew I had fallen in love and it was a bitter sweet day. The night before I had lost my patience with life and was pissed. So I shut down and blocked everyone out to include Steve who took it harder than I expected. He took it personal, but since I was not talking to anyone to include him he also wend south emotionally. I just did not want to take my anger out on anyone and that included Steve so I isolated and kept my mouth shut. The next day I awoke anew. I went to look for Steve but he left on pass a few minutes before so I drove my car hoping to find him and I did. I pulled up next to him and without a glance he just passed me buy. My feeling were hurt, but I knew he needed time to get over my rudeness towards him. I figured he would calm down and by evenings end we would be the closest of friends once again, it was not to be.

My friend Houston came over to pick me up and we spent the day at several book stores when I received a phone call that Steve was back at the treatment facility and packing to leave. Houston rushed me over and I confronted Steve in his room. he was intoxicated. I was so angry that he just blew this great opportunity the VA was giving us. We yelled at each other and he tried some pathetic alcoholic manipulation on me and it pissed me off. So for the first time I became aggressive verbally to him and told him exactly what I thought of his departure and stormed out, my heart broke. When I entered Houston vehicle I started to cry uncontrollably. I had fallen in love with the man and did not know what to do with my feelings. Here I was a gay man in love with a straight guy and my best friend at the time. He had decided to go back out and drink and I couldn't do anything to help him. I was devastated and crushed. I cried for about another hour in shock over what had just occurred and how I crossed a line that my entire life I worked so hard to avoid. What was I going to do with all this new information and emotions. 

I was in love, deeply in love and drunkenly forsaken.