Reality Check
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I had decided to write a one year plan that I would fallow until November 2011. One of my goals was to work on finding closure on some passed issues that may still be impacting me today. One of the first I decided to work on was my overdose this past July. First I must say that my therapist and other professional health providers call it a suicide attempt and I must admit that it bothers me greatly. I don't like the word and it causes a physical reaction when I have to say it or listen to someone use it in conjunction to my overdose.
My therapist had me write about how it affected my identity, my family and my community. So I wrote a paper and really took my time and was as honest emotionally as I could. Then I went to see my therapist and shared my work. I can tell you now that when I had to hare about my family I cried at what I had done to them because of my actions. When I was done I asked him if I had closer and like any good therapist he asked me, "Do you?" My answer is I don't know. I don't even know what it means to have closure. I guess it's like when you know you have forgiven or when you have fallen in love, you just know it. At least that is my guess I don't have a better answer for myself than that.
Since my recovery I have had discussions with my family and have apologized etc., but I had a hard reality check with my mother today. We were driving to a store and I had a CD playing and she did not really care for it so I had a bright idea. I had a Spanish CD from Rocio Ducar and on it was a song she sang for her son that had died in a drowning accident and my mother loved that song because she herself lost a 15yo son back in 1992. I also love the song it's one of the most moving songs I have ever heard and it also reminds me of Anselmo when I hear it so I decided my mom would love to hear it.
I put it on oblivious as what would happen as a result of the song. I thought we would have this beautiful experience remembering Anselmo and for the most part it was just like that until my mother lowered her head and began to cry. I was stricken with grief for her immediately and so I reached over and held her hand. I normally don't interfere with a persons emotions, but I felt the need to touch her and let her know I was there for her. Then a thought crossed my mind,"I could have done this to her too, but by my own hands." It hit me harder than I expected and I was just was so sad to see such a strong woman look very vulnerable and to think that she would have to live through another child's death brought the reality of the summer to a new level. Seeing my mothers pain over my brothers loss just opened my eyes to what she went threw with me this past and could have lived threw again because of me.
So do I have closure? I would have to say no, I think I need time for me to heal physically, but more importantly emotionally. I still don't know how much it has effected me, but it's there and it will come out on it's own time. My job is to not run away and experience the feeling to the other side.
I had decided to write a one year plan that I would fallow until November 2011. One of my goals was to work on finding closure on some passed issues that may still be impacting me today. One of the first I decided to work on was my overdose this past July. First I must say that my therapist and other professional health providers call it a suicide attempt and I must admit that it bothers me greatly. I don't like the word and it causes a physical reaction when I have to say it or listen to someone use it in conjunction to my overdose.
My therapist had me write about how it affected my identity, my family and my community. So I wrote a paper and really took my time and was as honest emotionally as I could. Then I went to see my therapist and shared my work. I can tell you now that when I had to hare about my family I cried at what I had done to them because of my actions. When I was done I asked him if I had closer and like any good therapist he asked me, "Do you?" My answer is I don't know. I don't even know what it means to have closure. I guess it's like when you know you have forgiven or when you have fallen in love, you just know it. At least that is my guess I don't have a better answer for myself than that.
Since my recovery I have had discussions with my family and have apologized etc., but I had a hard reality check with my mother today. We were driving to a store and I had a CD playing and she did not really care for it so I had a bright idea. I had a Spanish CD from Rocio Ducar and on it was a song she sang for her son that had died in a drowning accident and my mother loved that song because she herself lost a 15yo son back in 1992. I also love the song it's one of the most moving songs I have ever heard and it also reminds me of Anselmo when I hear it so I decided my mom would love to hear it.
I put it on oblivious as what would happen as a result of the song. I thought we would have this beautiful experience remembering Anselmo and for the most part it was just like that until my mother lowered her head and began to cry. I was stricken with grief for her immediately and so I reached over and held her hand. I normally don't interfere with a persons emotions, but I felt the need to touch her and let her know I was there for her. Then a thought crossed my mind,"I could have done this to her too, but by my own hands." It hit me harder than I expected and I was just was so sad to see such a strong woman look very vulnerable and to think that she would have to live through another child's death brought the reality of the summer to a new level. Seeing my mothers pain over my brothers loss just opened my eyes to what she went threw with me this past and could have lived threw again because of me.
So do I have closure? I would have to say no, I think I need time for me to heal physically, but more importantly emotionally. I still don't know how much it has effected me, but it's there and it will come out on it's own time. My job is to not run away and experience the feeling to the other side.
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