The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

. These last few months have been filled with ups and downs that are expected in the life of someone who is rebuilding their life after burning it down to the ground. The great thing about it all is that I have not found it necessary to avoid how life is making me feel by taking a drink or ingesting some drug. In fact, I have been able to sit with my emotions and lean into them in a way that actually reduces the discomfort they use to cause me. These last five moths have seen me face new challenges and fears to include my last semester in school on my way to earning a bachelors degree from Texas A&M - San Antonio. I took some on-line course I was deathly afraid of due to my lack of experience with them (I earned two A's). I also had to take a course based on statistics that required an experiment I had to develop, complete and write about (I earned an A).  There were many obstacles I had to overcome, the biggest being my own mind and how it can try to convince me I am not ca...

. The nights have been the most ardguious for me to manage. When the last meeting of the day is over. When my AA family is home living their lives. When the last phone call is made. The time will inevitably come when I find myself acutely aware of the silence, the loneliness, the heartache and I sit with it all. Not fighting, not questioning, not running away. I hold on to the deep resolve I have within for just one more second, one more minute, one more hour until it passes. Then, sometime in the night I fall asleep to wake up and go to one more meeting, meet one more AA friend, make one more call so when I find myself acutely aware I can make it one more day. These moments are the miracles of AA because right now I should be drunk or high running from my tender heart soaked feelings, but I'm imperfectly living it one moment at a time. I don't know where I'd be without the rooms and those who fill them. I've been listening to a lot of sad songs. It seems that I want...

. Sadly after 2.5 years I chose to let go of my relationship with Steve due to his alcoholism. I am very saddened by how things have turned out, but not surprised and heartbroken as I thought I would be. Steve's last chance came and went with him blaming me and my last words to him being "Fuck you!" I rarely have cussed at him because I think it is mean, rude and disrespectful, but he hurt my feelings and pissed me off when he made two statements; you used me and no one loves me. I couldn't believe he actually said that (I have to remember he was drunk when he said it) and I finally allowed myself to react. Being on the other side of alcoholism is quite painful. To see the person you love continue to hurt themselves and the people around them is very disturbing. It gives me a new perceptive on what I did to others and myself for so many years. Steve did try very hard and was just unable to stay sober. He went into a VA program to help vets get life skills he needed...

. You get sober and life just starts to take a course where you had no intention of going. I expected to keep up with this blog since I got sober, but as you can see that has not been the case. My life today looks nothing like the day I wrote my first entry. Today, I am extremely content with the life I am living. My life is not perfect, but it is mine and it is good! I am in my Senior year of college which is amazing to me!!! I will be the first in my family to earn a Bachelors degree and am in the process of filling out my graduate school application (it's long as shit). My relationship with Steve is better than ever! He is sober and doing very well!! I have no real worries and I have all that I need and what I have I value and want. I cannot complain about a single thing. I still suffer from chronic hand, arm and back pain, I am still HIV+, I am still on disability (hoping to get off when I graduate with my MA degree), I still deal with fear and self-image issues, but in no...

. I don't really know if I have the right to complain after the life I have lived compared to the life I have now. I mean things are really good over all, but Steve is gone.  He just can't seem to stay sober and I miss him dearly. My heart feels like the instant glass shatters into tiny little pieces. I find myself being okay with being sad in a way that was inconcievable without using or drinking, but it is a very foreign place that I find myself right now. There are moments where I just lay in bed and allow the tears to well up and trickle down the ridges of my face. Sometimes I put on Adele's "Make You Feel My Love" and allow the sadness to just fill me within. Other times I feel out of sorts because I don't feel bad or sad, but joy and contentment are somewhat under a light colored veil. What is unique about this sad separation is that we both love each other very much and so want to spend our lives together, but we can't when he is drinking. It w...

. Reflection on 2011 I must say this is by far one of the greatest years of my young life. It is the first full calendar year that I was able to not only remain sober, but did so with a gratitude and satisfaction that would never have been possible without my stint on life support in the summer of 2011. 2011 has been the easiest year of my life and it is all because of how my perspective of life has completely changed. Life had been a challenge to get through, but some how with this psychic change that has occurred "any day above ground is a good day" as one AA friends puts it every time he shares.  Don't get me wrong I have had my tough times during the year, but I have been able to walk through them with grace and courage unknown to me before. The greatest challenge has been my own internal fears that are based on nothing. The big book of AA talks about being driven by a hundred forms of fears and this is the first year that I really got what that meant.  Two are...