Heartsick

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I don't really know if I have the right to complain after the life I have lived compared to the life I have now. I mean things are really good over all, but Steve is gone.  He just can't seem to stay sober and I miss him dearly. My heart feels like the instant glass shatters into tiny little pieces.

I find myself being okay with being sad in a way that was inconcievable without using or drinking, but it is a very foreign place that I find myself right now. There are moments where I just lay in bed and allow the tears to well up and trickle down the ridges of my face. Sometimes I put on Adele's "Make You Feel My Love" and allow the sadness to just fill me within. Other times I feel out of sorts because I don't feel bad or sad, but joy and contentment are somewhat under a light colored veil.

What is unique about this sad separation is that we both love each other very much and so want to spend our lives together, but we can't when he is drinking. It would make it much easier for me if he was a horrible man or he no longer loved me or better yet I no longer loved him, but that is not the case for us. He loves me very much and he is a kind generous warm loving man who wants nothing but the best for me. I in turn love him more than I have ever been able to love another man. My love for him is truly unconditional and I want nothing more for him than to be happy. The kind of happiness that allows him to fall asleep at night with a peaceful mind and a happy heart.

The problem is that he drinks and for me that is dangerous in a very life threatening way. Alcohol lead the way to me being put on life support for five weeks and dying twice in the process. I was unaware of it all, but those who loved me were not and they suffered because of it and I will not allow that to happen to them again from alcohol and drugs. Later when I came to I suffered in way one would not expect.  Also, I really value my life in a way I was unable to in the past. I like who I am and I like my life today as is. Steve's presence in my life puts it in a stratosphere that I believe very few people ever achieve.

When Steve is around the smile on my face is a constant companion so much so that it becomes unnoticed at times by me. When he is off out there doing what old fashioned alcohols like him do the air gets stale and life develops a friction only the fragile would notice. I become so very aware of the quite within my own home that it becomes pesky. Like the ticking of a clock on a very quite night when you need to fall asleep, but are unable to because your the only one that can hear tick tick tick...

I have hope he will get sober and come home to me, to us. I have never felt so dedicated to anyone as I do him and never felt so chocked out to help him. Trying to help him is like trying to feel his touch through a piece of glass. So very close, but all you feel is the cold glass that reminds you of how far you really are. I have to stay on the side of sobriety and sanity so I keep the hope alive for him to be able to walk back to. I have to stay on my side the side that will allow me to live the best part of my life, with or without him.

Today, I texted his phone in hopes he would call me. I have yet to hear from him and I am heavy hearted by it. He choose to leave this time and his words just made my heart sick. He said, "Benny I have to leave because I will ruin everything for you. I won't want to, but I know I will. I won't be able to help myself. I love you so much."Then I cried and he came over hugged me and for the first time in our relationship tears crossed his weathers cheeks. Then he rose gathered his things and left me to wonder if he would come back to me.

Heartsick...