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The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

After my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in May of 1995 I still find myself searching for the miracle of sobriety. I often hear "don't leave until the miracle happens" and I must say I am exhausted. It sounds ridiculous to think that a miracle is needed for me to attain sobriety, but after 14 years of trying, a progressive disease that has taken me to become close friends with a litany of drugs and a suicide attempt that is exactly what I need. This is my journey in search of that miracle.

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November 17, 2012

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Mario III

December 01, 2010

. Before the overdose Mario and I really were not speaking at all. In fact things had gotten to a point where I thought I lost our relationship as it had once been. In rehab I tried to reconnect and he seemed willing, but his actions said something completely different. Mario was at the hospital everyday for a week until he had to go back to work and I know that time must have been terrible painful for him not only because we were brothers, but we had worked so hard since his teen years to become friends as well. On two occasions my mother had to call him because the doctors believed I would be gone by days end and so he came. Then the miraculous happened, I fought back and survived when many believed I had really done my self in this time. Mario came to visit me also when I was starting to remember the days pass by. It was nice to have him there and somehow the past was no longer important and it seemed all things had been forgiven, but not forgotten. I was not to really know thi...

Will You Be Sober?

November 23, 2010

. This is my first assignment outside of the 12 step work. So I decided to share it with you and see what happens. I was in a group conscious meeting (a meeting where the members of an AA group come together to make decision for the group as a whole) and everything was going fine until I heard words never uttered to me in the 16 years I’ve been in AA. The topic had come to Thanksgiving and what the group wanted to do. When the group decided to buy a turkey and tamales I raised my hand one more time and volunteered to cook the turkey and buy the tamales. Then the unexpected happened, a fellow member who has always been kind and loving turned around and in a timid joking manner said, “You will still be sober then?” I was taken aback by this comment and really did not know how to feel about it. I was absolutely confused by this persons comment which was very out of character. I told myself that she was kidding, which I believe, and to just let it go. As the next couple...

Finding My Spiritual Path

February 15, 2010

. Well it has taken 40 years to find my place in spirituality and finally I can say I have found the path that fits my spiritual needs. I was brought up Catholic and thought nothing of it until I started to realize that I liked other boys and that I was going to hell. That I was scum, unwanted, condemned and terrorized by a faith I was to use as a support system to get me through my trials and tribulations. Things got so bad that one afternoon I had decided I would have to end my life, but someone stepped in and helped me see that there were other choices. Ironically that person was a Catholic priest in the military who understood my plight. With his help I was able to finally accept who I was and that I was worth more that what people of faith said I was. For that I am grateful and fortunate to still be here. For years after I tried to have a better connection with a Catholic God as I was taught, but could never seem to make that de...