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The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

After my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in May of 1995 I still find myself searching for the miracle of sobriety. I often hear "don't leave until the miracle happens" and I must say I am exhausted. It sounds ridiculous to think that a miracle is needed for me to attain sobriety, but after 14 years of trying, a progressive disease that has taken me to become close friends with a litany of drugs and a suicide attempt that is exactly what I need. This is my journey in search of that miracle.

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November 17, 2012

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Will You Be Sober?

November 23, 2010

. This is my first assignment outside of the 12 step work. So I decided to share it with you and see what happens. I was in a group conscious meeting (a meeting where the members of an AA group come together to make decision for the group as a whole) and everything was going fine until I heard words never uttered to me in the 16 years I’ve been in AA. The topic had come to Thanksgiving and what the group wanted to do. When the group decided to buy a turkey and tamales I raised my hand one more time and volunteered to cook the turkey and buy the tamales. Then the unexpected happened, a fellow member who has always been kind and loving turned around and in a timid joking manner said, “You will still be sober then?” I was taken aback by this comment and really did not know how to feel about it. I was absolutely confused by this persons comment which was very out of character. I told myself that she was kidding, which I believe, and to just let it go. As the next couple...

Mario III

December 01, 2010

. Before the overdose Mario and I really were not speaking at all. In fact things had gotten to a point where I thought I lost our relationship as it had once been. In rehab I tried to reconnect and he seemed willing, but his actions said something completely different. Mario was at the hospital everyday for a week until he had to go back to work and I know that time must have been terrible painful for him not only because we were brothers, but we had worked so hard since his teen years to become friends as well. On two occasions my mother had to call him because the doctors believed I would be gone by days end and so he came. Then the miraculous happened, I fought back and survived when many believed I had really done my self in this time. Mario came to visit me also when I was starting to remember the days pass by. It was nice to have him there and somehow the past was no longer important and it seemed all things had been forgiven, but not forgotten. I was not to really know thi...

Moving

December 11, 2010

. Well it happened today, Steve and my application for an apartment was approved and if all goes as planed I will be moving in January. Over all I am looking forward to it, but a very small part of me way back where it is dark and quiet a bit of fear lays there waiting to rush out and give me an anxiety attack. The fear I believe is that for the first time I feel so sure that I am not only in love, but that Steve loves me just as much as I love him. A first for me if I look back at my 3 previous relationships which I did with my couples counselor. Also, just the idea of moving in with another human being has its complications within itself and love and a single bed and it's a chemistry lab it can go either way. I have high hopes and really no concerns that we will make it. In fact I am very excited to get this next chapter of my life going, but as two recovering alcoholics it adds a bit of unpradictability to the whole situation. I feel real good about my decission to go ahead...