2011 Reflection
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Reflection on 2011 I must say this is by far one of the greatest years of my young life. It is the first full calendar year that I was able to not only remain sober, but did so with a gratitude and satisfaction that would never have been possible without my stint on life support in the summer of 2011.
2011 has been the easiest year of my life and it is all because of how my perspective of life has completely changed. Life had been a challenge to get through, but some how with this psychic change that has occurred "any day above ground is a good day" as one AA friends puts it every time he shares.
Don't get me wrong I have had my tough times during the year, but I have been able to walk through them with grace and courage unknown to me before. The greatest challenge has been my own internal fears that are based on nothing. The big book of AA talks about being driven by a hundred forms of fears and this is the first year that I really got what that meant.
Two areas that fear really tried to root itself in was in my ability to go back to school and be successful and my relationship with Steve. In the fall I decided to go back to school and take a few classes and I did extremely well for the effort I put in. I earned an "A" and a "B" in my history classes. During that time I had decided to go back to school and earn my bachelor degree, a life goal.
I found myself not really wanting to study or put the time in that I really should have. Also, I was surprised that I was not as motivated as I expected I would be. This made going to school more difficult that I had ever experienced. Soon fear pierced its way in and I decided not to go to school and just focus on my second chance at a career I totally destroyed, but with time and grace I was given another opportunity from an understanding college and friend.
Then a funny thing happened. I have learned to listen to the universe and what it is trying to tell me. Soon after finally deciding to not go to school I had 3 very clear messages that I made a mistake and that I need to pursue my educational life goal. These messages were so overt and unrelated that I sought out help for this fear that keep welling up and shaking me to the core of my being.
I did what I always did and I looked to others to assist me in overcoming my personal fears by those who had the tools to do so. I went to closest to me who know my capabilities and who I believe are honest and straight forward with me regardless of my desire to hear only the good. Secondly, I went to a professional therapist to help me address these fears and doubts.
With that done I was able to find a place where I could move forward and now am looking forward to becoming a full time student in the Spring of 2012. I have even been looking at masters and pys.d programs that I will transition into after I graduate with my bachelors degree.
The other great challenge or so I thought was my relationship. Steve is also an alcoholic and unlike me at this time struggles to not drink when his issues arise. On several occasions I have had to ask him to move out when he drinks. The reasons are obvious, but where the challenges and fears came up were in letting the relationship go. In doing so the challenge came with not wanting to because I love him and I was doing it because I felt it was the responsible and right thing to do as a member of AA and not because of me. The fear came from will I find another to love and who would love me as only he has been able to do for me. Also, what would happen to him if I did end our relationship, very al-non.
What came to me was that I did not want to end my relationship, in fact I never did. Then a thought crossed my mind that made me sit for a long time contemplating the level of commitment I had to our relationship; "...for better or worse...in sickness and health." This really made face how serious was I and was I really in it or just like the idea of a husband. After quietly sitting with myself I knew that was exactly where I was with us. I knew I would stand by him and then I realize I had been doing so since we have gotten together. This epiphany really rooted my commitment in a way I never imagined. This made my partner my spouse and I am content and joyful for it.
Other things that made this year so special was that I was able to go back to work after more than 2 years in the profession I love so much at a place where I fit so perfectly. I attained a year of sobriety which I was only able to do once in my life. My brother for the first time in years sounded joyful when he answered a call from me that brought tears to my eyes. My mother for the first time in years called just to see what I was doing and not "how was I doing." I have been asked to be a sponsor to several men who are just like me and by one man who has several more years than I do. I have been trusted by my sister with the care of her five children. I was able to adopt a second pet and have done a great job at loving both my girls, Precious and Pema. I was able to present a workshop twice to sign language interns at our local community college. I was trusted by my employer with interns and became a mentor once again. Moved out of my mothers home into my own apartment and made a lovely home for myself and Steve.
Those are just a few of the great things that I have overcome and have experience this past year. But if I had to pick the one thing that has been the best I must say is the gratitude I feel as I lay myself to sleep. No matter how my day went I would lay there and think of my life that day and be moved with how blessed I am. I never experience that level of gratitude and hope to never loose it. To fall asleep with absolute peace has been the greatest blessing. I value my life today in a way I find miraculous.
Today I know I am a miracle and it is a direct result from the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Reflection on 2011 I must say this is by far one of the greatest years of my young life. It is the first full calendar year that I was able to not only remain sober, but did so with a gratitude and satisfaction that would never have been possible without my stint on life support in the summer of 2011.
2011 has been the easiest year of my life and it is all because of how my perspective of life has completely changed. Life had been a challenge to get through, but some how with this psychic change that has occurred "any day above ground is a good day" as one AA friends puts it every time he shares.
Don't get me wrong I have had my tough times during the year, but I have been able to walk through them with grace and courage unknown to me before. The greatest challenge has been my own internal fears that are based on nothing. The big book of AA talks about being driven by a hundred forms of fears and this is the first year that I really got what that meant.
Two areas that fear really tried to root itself in was in my ability to go back to school and be successful and my relationship with Steve. In the fall I decided to go back to school and take a few classes and I did extremely well for the effort I put in. I earned an "A" and a "B" in my history classes. During that time I had decided to go back to school and earn my bachelor degree, a life goal.
I found myself not really wanting to study or put the time in that I really should have. Also, I was surprised that I was not as motivated as I expected I would be. This made going to school more difficult that I had ever experienced. Soon fear pierced its way in and I decided not to go to school and just focus on my second chance at a career I totally destroyed, but with time and grace I was given another opportunity from an understanding college and friend.
Then a funny thing happened. I have learned to listen to the universe and what it is trying to tell me. Soon after finally deciding to not go to school I had 3 very clear messages that I made a mistake and that I need to pursue my educational life goal. These messages were so overt and unrelated that I sought out help for this fear that keep welling up and shaking me to the core of my being.
I did what I always did and I looked to others to assist me in overcoming my personal fears by those who had the tools to do so. I went to closest to me who know my capabilities and who I believe are honest and straight forward with me regardless of my desire to hear only the good. Secondly, I went to a professional therapist to help me address these fears and doubts.
With that done I was able to find a place where I could move forward and now am looking forward to becoming a full time student in the Spring of 2012. I have even been looking at masters and pys.d programs that I will transition into after I graduate with my bachelors degree.
The other great challenge or so I thought was my relationship. Steve is also an alcoholic and unlike me at this time struggles to not drink when his issues arise. On several occasions I have had to ask him to move out when he drinks. The reasons are obvious, but where the challenges and fears came up were in letting the relationship go. In doing so the challenge came with not wanting to because I love him and I was doing it because I felt it was the responsible and right thing to do as a member of AA and not because of me. The fear came from will I find another to love and who would love me as only he has been able to do for me. Also, what would happen to him if I did end our relationship, very al-non.
What came to me was that I did not want to end my relationship, in fact I never did. Then a thought crossed my mind that made me sit for a long time contemplating the level of commitment I had to our relationship; "...for better or worse...in sickness and health." This really made face how serious was I and was I really in it or just like the idea of a husband. After quietly sitting with myself I knew that was exactly where I was with us. I knew I would stand by him and then I realize I had been doing so since we have gotten together. This epiphany really rooted my commitment in a way I never imagined. This made my partner my spouse and I am content and joyful for it.
Other things that made this year so special was that I was able to go back to work after more than 2 years in the profession I love so much at a place where I fit so perfectly. I attained a year of sobriety which I was only able to do once in my life. My brother for the first time in years sounded joyful when he answered a call from me that brought tears to my eyes. My mother for the first time in years called just to see what I was doing and not "how was I doing." I have been asked to be a sponsor to several men who are just like me and by one man who has several more years than I do. I have been trusted by my sister with the care of her five children. I was able to adopt a second pet and have done a great job at loving both my girls, Precious and Pema. I was able to present a workshop twice to sign language interns at our local community college. I was trusted by my employer with interns and became a mentor once again. Moved out of my mothers home into my own apartment and made a lovely home for myself and Steve.
Those are just a few of the great things that I have overcome and have experience this past year. But if I had to pick the one thing that has been the best I must say is the gratitude I feel as I lay myself to sleep. No matter how my day went I would lay there and think of my life that day and be moved with how blessed I am. I never experience that level of gratitude and hope to never loose it. To fall asleep with absolute peace has been the greatest blessing. I value my life today in a way I find miraculous.
Today I know I am a miracle and it is a direct result from the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.
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