Moving Forward
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Sadly after 2.5 years I chose to let go of my relationship with Steve due to his alcoholism. I am very saddened by how things have turned out, but not surprised and heartbroken as I thought I would be. Steve's last chance came and went with him blaming me and my last words to him being "Fuck you!" I rarely have cussed at him because I think it is mean, rude and disrespectful, but he hurt my feelings and pissed me off when he made two statements; you used me and no one loves me. I couldn't believe he actually said that (I have to remember he was drunk when he said it) and I finally allowed myself to react.
Being on the other side of alcoholism is quite painful. To see the person you love continue to hurt themselves and the people around them is very disturbing. It gives me a new perceptive on what I did to others and myself for so many years. Steve did try very hard and was just unable to stay sober. He went into a VA program to help vets get life skills he needed, but at the end he allowed his mind to take him to the bottom of a beer can and the end of our relationship.
I know I will be fine, but I fear for his life. No, I am not being melodramatic, I do fear for his life. Unless he gets help he will end up chronically homeless again and end up killing someone (anger issues), getting killed or end up in prison. I have a very good life and love it very much today. I think it is one of the reasons I am doing okay with him no longer in my life. I have my sobriety, friends, family, school, profession, dog (Precious and yes she is), my dignity, self-respect, integrity, and ...
The most difficult part will be allowing myself to be exactly where I am emotionally and psychologically with all this. I tend to over think things and wonder why I am not more emotional, why I am being too dramatic, why i am... and it can go on and on and on. What I have decided is that I need to really tap into my spirituality and allow it to guide me and heal me from the inside out.
I have thrown Steve out so many times that I tend to have this thing in the back of my mind I'll take him back again, but this time I don't think I can. I really don't want to and more important I want a better life than the one he can give me as a chronic relapser. I am one semester away from graduating from college (I'll be the first in my family tree) and am in the process of applying to graduate school. I don't think I could take him along for the ride any longer and be successful.
I will have to make lots of meetings and hang out with as many friends as possible until I can get to a place where Steve will no longer shadow my thoughts and everyday happenings. Precious will be a great help and we will be able to spend more time together. She brings me such great happiness and peace when nothing else will. I will also be going to the Buddhist temple and getting myself recentered so I can live my greatest life.
I finally found what I have always been searching for all my life, unconditional love, and it's coming from me. I am my own best friend and in that I have learned to be my greatest advocate. I will be fine, I will be happy, and I will continue to move forward.
Sadly after 2.5 years I chose to let go of my relationship with Steve due to his alcoholism. I am very saddened by how things have turned out, but not surprised and heartbroken as I thought I would be. Steve's last chance came and went with him blaming me and my last words to him being "Fuck you!" I rarely have cussed at him because I think it is mean, rude and disrespectful, but he hurt my feelings and pissed me off when he made two statements; you used me and no one loves me. I couldn't believe he actually said that (I have to remember he was drunk when he said it) and I finally allowed myself to react.
Being on the other side of alcoholism is quite painful. To see the person you love continue to hurt themselves and the people around them is very disturbing. It gives me a new perceptive on what I did to others and myself for so many years. Steve did try very hard and was just unable to stay sober. He went into a VA program to help vets get life skills he needed, but at the end he allowed his mind to take him to the bottom of a beer can and the end of our relationship.
I know I will be fine, but I fear for his life. No, I am not being melodramatic, I do fear for his life. Unless he gets help he will end up chronically homeless again and end up killing someone (anger issues), getting killed or end up in prison. I have a very good life and love it very much today. I think it is one of the reasons I am doing okay with him no longer in my life. I have my sobriety, friends, family, school, profession, dog (Precious and yes she is), my dignity, self-respect, integrity, and ...
The most difficult part will be allowing myself to be exactly where I am emotionally and psychologically with all this. I tend to over think things and wonder why I am not more emotional, why I am being too dramatic, why i am... and it can go on and on and on. What I have decided is that I need to really tap into my spirituality and allow it to guide me and heal me from the inside out.
I have thrown Steve out so many times that I tend to have this thing in the back of my mind I'll take him back again, but this time I don't think I can. I really don't want to and more important I want a better life than the one he can give me as a chronic relapser. I am one semester away from graduating from college (I'll be the first in my family tree) and am in the process of applying to graduate school. I don't think I could take him along for the ride any longer and be successful.
I will have to make lots of meetings and hang out with as many friends as possible until I can get to a place where Steve will no longer shadow my thoughts and everyday happenings. Precious will be a great help and we will be able to spend more time together. She brings me such great happiness and peace when nothing else will. I will also be going to the Buddhist temple and getting myself recentered so I can live my greatest life.
I finally found what I have always been searching for all my life, unconditional love, and it's coming from me. I am my own best friend and in that I have learned to be my greatest advocate. I will be fine, I will be happy, and I will continue to move forward.
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