DELETED POST: A Sobriety Threatening Issue

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On June 28, 2011 I posted then deleted an entry which I posted because I allowed Steve to stay. Today, I am reposting it after having Steve move out of our place for the last time. I have reached a point that I no longer am able to emotionally handle living with him as an active alcoholic. Well, that is partly true the real reason is that I am just fed up and don't want to have to deal with the stress of it all. The benefits no longer out weigh the stress, drama, drinking... He relapsed last week and was drinking enough to get intoxicated, but not enough to get drunk. I believe he thought I would not notice - ha. I did not want it to be real I was hoping for the best - it was not to be. 

I lasted a week with his drinking which is no surprise. His old behaviors started up immediately and I could not be ignored. The behaviors brought about old fears that were alway ever present with the knowledge that he really did not want to quit drinking. Finally it came for me to face the fact and have him move out no matter how I felt. I have been through too much for me to accept this in my life. Not only was my physical well being at risk my sobriety would eventually be. 

When the time for Steve to leave came he did not want to leave. He was going to force himself to stay the night so in response I told him I would be having two AA members spend the evening with us because I did not feel safe with him in the apartment, which was true. He was livid and was a bit taken aback. This caused him to decide not to stay and he started up with his aggressive behavior because he was not getting his way. 

I decided to get someone on the phone to use as a buffer between Steve and myself and it worked. I had to call several people before I was able to get someone on the line. Being embarrassed or ashamed did not enter the equation. I have gotten to a point in my sobriety that I do not have the privilege of having either. I was able to stay on the phone with an AA member until I dropped Steve off. The drive was uncomfortable, but it was much better than if I had not taken that action. 

I do worry for him, but I am done for real. He has called a few times and I do not answer the phone. I am relying on the fellowship of AA to get me through so far and the friendships I have made in the process. I am using my sponsor and working with my sponsies. I am making more meetings and doing other service work. I am staying in the center of AA and I am happy for it. My life is manageable today because of the work I am doing and take nothing for granted.


All I can do now for him is pray and hope he gets to a point where he will reach out for help. I also hope that the hand of AA will be ever present for him. I wish him the absolute best and I miss him something awful, but I just do not want to go through this one more second. I deserve more and today I know.

DELETED POST:

I can not express how much I am in love with Steve. I have never felt so in tune or comfortable with anyone in my life to date. When I am with him I find myself absolutely joyful and grateful to have him in my life. Then he drinks and that is ripped away from me and leaves me with such sadness that I tear up from the inside out.

I have done my absolute best in this relationship to the point that it became so self eviscerating. I put relationships with family at bay. I went against my own instincts and common sense. I even put my life on the line for this relationship and today I am tired, upset, heart heavy and woeful. I really believed we had a chance, but the time has come for me to face the facts that Steve and his drinking have become a sobriety threatening issue.

I am not angry because I know how difficult it can be to stop and stay stopped. I get that alcoholism is one of the deadliest diseases to affect any human being. I know so intimately how dangerous this disease is that the time has come to take care of myself even though it will emotionally be painful. I am not looking forward to going through the grieving process and having to stay with my feeling until I get to the other side. What I do know is that there is that other side and it will come and when it does I will still be sober.

A huge part of me feels like I am abandoning Steve and that he will not do well, that is putting it lightly. I can not help him in his disease nor can I make things better for him until he is ready, because he is the only one who can do that. Steve needs to get sober on his own terms and I hope that day come, fearfully I know the chances are very slim. Every time he drinks I flinch and start to focus on him and not what I need to do to take care of myself, which allows my alcoholism to bubble to the surface.

Today, I choose not to stay because this disease is so strong it can take me with it no matter how much time I have behind me. I do not want to live an alcoholic life with another person. I got sober so I no longer have to feel and live through what this disease has done to me for so many years. Also, I am afraid of alcoholism and of Steve when he drinks. Because of alcoholism I have had to live in so much fear and since I have gotten sober that fear has dissipated and serenity has taken it's place until now with Steve's active drinking.

I do not take for granted what I have today in sobriety and I will not allow anything to come before sobriety. Not family, work, friends, my greatest desire out side of sobriety. Not even being in love with one of the nicest men I know who loves me just like I need to be loved when he is sober. Yes, Steve loves me and he has tried very hard to get sober. It just has not happened yet, but I no longer can wait for that day.

Today, I choose to take care of myself and in doing so I show that I love me.