PTSD and Cognitive Therapy, What was I Thinking?
.
I have reached a point in my therapy that I need to start looking at the causes of my Post -Trumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This is part of my one year pland of working with my therpaist and frankly right now I am not feeling it.
Last week was the first week of the 12 that we will be working on this specifically. I was explained the process, benefits and how it all works. Most importantly I was told I had the power to stop anytime I wanted, but was encouraged to do 3 weeks before I decide to end the process. I don't know why, but I was not comfortable with the whole thing, but was dedicated to the therapy. I cried at times out of just not knowing how this was all going to work out. It was a very uncomfortable situation to walk into willingly and not know what to really expect.
So, I was given my first assignment and had to take it home and bring back my "homework" to discuss. Well the week has passed and I did not pick up the paper work, not one time. I thought about the work maybe twice during the week and just lived my life. Then Sunday night came around and my appointment was for 8:30am on Monday, I had yet to look at the paperwork. Finally, I picked it up and decided I needed to get it done. As I sat there looking at the papers I knew I needed to leave it alone and walk into my therapist office and be honest about how things went. Doing the work last minute and pretending that I got it done "on time" would be a lie. Also, I did not want to do it. It seemed overwhelming and so I thought I was missing something for this to be effecting me so strongly. I am doing this work because the goal is to become as psychologically and emotionally healthy as possible which in turn would help my sobriety. So, why am I fighting the process? I don't have an answer other than fear, but even that doesn't seem like the right answer for what is happening.
Monday morning came and went while I laid in bed asleep. I heard the alarm, but did not make the effort to get up and go to the appointment. I didn't even have the courtesy to call and let him know. That also says a lot about what is going on, but once again I do not know what. This process or lack of it has been very surprising coming from me. I tend to work very hard on getting to the heart of my problems and working through them, but it is not happening with this. Am I really that afraid or do I really not want to change or am I resentful that I have to deal with the past once again or... The point is I don't really know what is bothering me the most. I have to get to the bottom of this before I decide to postpone this work until later which could be the healthy decision, but I'm clueless at this point.
I called my therapist and left a message telling him what was going through my head and that we needed to change the time of our appointment to something later so I have no excuses for not showing up. We recently moved my time to 8:30am from 10:30am so I could start my day earlier and make my home group meeting that starts a t 7am, sadly it has been a bust. I have missed both appointments and meetings to boot. To be honest I don't know if it is the time or the work that has caused me to miss both times, but changing the time to a later one will make it more likely that I will show up.
I do no like how I am feeling about this whole process. I feel very unsure of myself and my self confidence has taken a hit from this as well. I have never shyed away from taking a hard look at myself and working toward health. Why this expense should be any different I do not know, but it is causing me stress that I do not need, worse it is self inflected.
So, today I need to put on by cowboy boots on and cowboy it up. Do the work, get it done, get healthy. I use to have a mantra that help me a lot when I was getting sober back in 2004-2005 and it was successful. So I will use it again for this to help me move forward.
Do it or drink.
I have reached a point in my therapy that I need to start looking at the causes of my Post -Trumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This is part of my one year pland of working with my therpaist and frankly right now I am not feeling it.
Last week was the first week of the 12 that we will be working on this specifically. I was explained the process, benefits and how it all works. Most importantly I was told I had the power to stop anytime I wanted, but was encouraged to do 3 weeks before I decide to end the process. I don't know why, but I was not comfortable with the whole thing, but was dedicated to the therapy. I cried at times out of just not knowing how this was all going to work out. It was a very uncomfortable situation to walk into willingly and not know what to really expect.
So, I was given my first assignment and had to take it home and bring back my "homework" to discuss. Well the week has passed and I did not pick up the paper work, not one time. I thought about the work maybe twice during the week and just lived my life. Then Sunday night came around and my appointment was for 8:30am on Monday, I had yet to look at the paperwork. Finally, I picked it up and decided I needed to get it done. As I sat there looking at the papers I knew I needed to leave it alone and walk into my therapist office and be honest about how things went. Doing the work last minute and pretending that I got it done "on time" would be a lie. Also, I did not want to do it. It seemed overwhelming and so I thought I was missing something for this to be effecting me so strongly. I am doing this work because the goal is to become as psychologically and emotionally healthy as possible which in turn would help my sobriety. So, why am I fighting the process? I don't have an answer other than fear, but even that doesn't seem like the right answer for what is happening.
Monday morning came and went while I laid in bed asleep. I heard the alarm, but did not make the effort to get up and go to the appointment. I didn't even have the courtesy to call and let him know. That also says a lot about what is going on, but once again I do not know what. This process or lack of it has been very surprising coming from me. I tend to work very hard on getting to the heart of my problems and working through them, but it is not happening with this. Am I really that afraid or do I really not want to change or am I resentful that I have to deal with the past once again or... The point is I don't really know what is bothering me the most. I have to get to the bottom of this before I decide to postpone this work until later which could be the healthy decision, but I'm clueless at this point.
I called my therapist and left a message telling him what was going through my head and that we needed to change the time of our appointment to something later so I have no excuses for not showing up. We recently moved my time to 8:30am from 10:30am so I could start my day earlier and make my home group meeting that starts a t 7am, sadly it has been a bust. I have missed both appointments and meetings to boot. To be honest I don't know if it is the time or the work that has caused me to miss both times, but changing the time to a later one will make it more likely that I will show up.
I do no like how I am feeling about this whole process. I feel very unsure of myself and my self confidence has taken a hit from this as well. I have never shyed away from taking a hard look at myself and working toward health. Why this expense should be any different I do not know, but it is causing me stress that I do not need, worse it is self inflected.
So, today I need to put on by cowboy boots on and cowboy it up. Do the work, get it done, get healthy. I use to have a mantra that help me a lot when I was getting sober back in 2004-2005 and it was successful. So I will use it again for this to help me move forward.
Do it or drink.
Comments
Post a Comment