One Year Plan 3/5
Work with a couples counselor on building a healthy relationship with Steve was third of on my list. This has been the most tumultuous of the five up to date. The relationship with Steve has been the best and worst in so many ways. I have never been so loved and never felt truly cared for by anyone in the past, but I also have not been so scared by someone as well. When Steve is sober I am safe, loved and absolute comfortable in my own skin. Drunk he is terrifying, mean and hopeless to help.
If you been reading you know what we have been through and the up to date version is that as of Tuesday we are back on and working with our therapist. I don't know what happen, but I blocked him from email, Face Book and changed my number. He wrote me a beautiful closer letter and I did not write back. I went to meetings when I was heart sick for him and called my sponsor when I needed to decompress from the emotional upheavals. I continued to work with my couples therapist on dealing with the break up because I never healed in a healthy manner and wanted to make sure I lived my yearly goal of taking care of myself.
I woke up that Tuesday and checked my email and saw Steve had updated his Yahoo account. Without thought or emotion I wrote a short email to him. When I was done I sat there looking at the email until I deleted it. I don't know why I wrote or even why I deleted it. It was truly a different experience for me. I was so very in the moment with what was happening. I'd been practicing mindfulness and this was one of the few true moments that I was absolutely present. Then I unblocked him from my email, then blocked him, then unblocked him again. I did this several times without really being present with my emotions, but I was aware that I needed to connect with him and finally decided not to. Suddenly I remembered I set up his email account and new the password. So, without hesitation I signed into his email account and deleted my updates he received. I wish I could say I felt guilty about it at the time, but I did not. I was just doing what I was doing at the moment. Then as I was about to sign out I noticed the sent folder and wondered if he had sent me any mail. I opened the email and found two email to me and so I opened them up. As I read each one I knew I was going to call him, why not he put in his new number. He in fact had written earlier that day. That was too much of a coincidence for me to ignore and I called him.
You would think I would be afraid, but I was not. I was calm and confidant about calling him and I knew deep down inside that we were going to be together again. With that he answered the phone and I was on my way to Austin the next day. No doubts, no fears, no trepidations what so ever crossed my mind or emotional distress arose. I don't know why, but still as I write this entry I feel the same. I love this man and believe we are going to be successful if we stay sober. I have no fairy tail ending for us if we don't. I will have to leave again if he got drunk. I even stressed my responsibly to sobriety for us to be successful, because an active addict like me will be unable to be monogamous. I would be unfaithful and I know it would destroy him and that in itself would destroy our relationship.
As I found out later he had been in therapy with our couples therapist and staying sober in hopes that we would reunite. I also had been seeing the therapist and going to meetings to take care of myself. Now, we will be working with our therapist again as before, but with an added vigor to assure our success. Needless to say she has our work cut out for her, but she is supportive and willing to help us walk through our journey together.
I did not wake up with the intention for us to get together again. In fact I went to bed with the full intention of going on with my life without Steve. So now all I can do is my best and do my part in hopes that it will all work out, but that is tomorrow and the day after and none of my business today. Our success depends on staying sober, but it is no guarantee that sobriety will bring a happy marriage or a permanent one at that.
Today, I will say I do feel guilt for one thing only. I crossed a boundary a healthy boundary by accessing his email account. I have been bogged down by this, but he assures me that he did not change the password in hopes that I would enter. That frankly is no help because I was absolutely wrong and unethical in doing so. I do not regret inviting Steve back into my life, but I do regret in the manner in which I did this. I make no excuses and take full responsibility for doing so. I really don't even know how to take responsibility for it, but that is why I am in therapy to help me address these kinds of issues that arise in my life regardless of the intention.
I did have to readdress my boundaries about drinking and Steve. Before it was if you drink we are done and there will be no looking back. Today I realize that is not really going to happen with me at this time. So I have redefined that boundary as if Steve drinks I will be unable to share the same space until he sobers up and has gotten back on track. I can not afford to share space with an active alcoholic it is deadly to my well being and my life, literally.
Today I love him the best way I can taking full advantage of all my resources to make sure I take care of myself first above all else. Drunk I am useless to everyone around me, everyone who loves me, to Steve and worst to myself.
If you been reading you know what we have been through and the up to date version is that as of Tuesday we are back on and working with our therapist. I don't know what happen, but I blocked him from email, Face Book and changed my number. He wrote me a beautiful closer letter and I did not write back. I went to meetings when I was heart sick for him and called my sponsor when I needed to decompress from the emotional upheavals. I continued to work with my couples therapist on dealing with the break up because I never healed in a healthy manner and wanted to make sure I lived my yearly goal of taking care of myself.
I woke up that Tuesday and checked my email and saw Steve had updated his Yahoo account. Without thought or emotion I wrote a short email to him. When I was done I sat there looking at the email until I deleted it. I don't know why I wrote or even why I deleted it. It was truly a different experience for me. I was so very in the moment with what was happening. I'd been practicing mindfulness and this was one of the few true moments that I was absolutely present. Then I unblocked him from my email, then blocked him, then unblocked him again. I did this several times without really being present with my emotions, but I was aware that I needed to connect with him and finally decided not to. Suddenly I remembered I set up his email account and new the password. So, without hesitation I signed into his email account and deleted my updates he received. I wish I could say I felt guilty about it at the time, but I did not. I was just doing what I was doing at the moment. Then as I was about to sign out I noticed the sent folder and wondered if he had sent me any mail. I opened the email and found two email to me and so I opened them up. As I read each one I knew I was going to call him, why not he put in his new number. He in fact had written earlier that day. That was too much of a coincidence for me to ignore and I called him.
You would think I would be afraid, but I was not. I was calm and confidant about calling him and I knew deep down inside that we were going to be together again. With that he answered the phone and I was on my way to Austin the next day. No doubts, no fears, no trepidations what so ever crossed my mind or emotional distress arose. I don't know why, but still as I write this entry I feel the same. I love this man and believe we are going to be successful if we stay sober. I have no fairy tail ending for us if we don't. I will have to leave again if he got drunk. I even stressed my responsibly to sobriety for us to be successful, because an active addict like me will be unable to be monogamous. I would be unfaithful and I know it would destroy him and that in itself would destroy our relationship.
As I found out later he had been in therapy with our couples therapist and staying sober in hopes that we would reunite. I also had been seeing the therapist and going to meetings to take care of myself. Now, we will be working with our therapist again as before, but with an added vigor to assure our success. Needless to say she has our work cut out for her, but she is supportive and willing to help us walk through our journey together.
I did not wake up with the intention for us to get together again. In fact I went to bed with the full intention of going on with my life without Steve. So now all I can do is my best and do my part in hopes that it will all work out, but that is tomorrow and the day after and none of my business today. Our success depends on staying sober, but it is no guarantee that sobriety will bring a happy marriage or a permanent one at that.
Today, I will say I do feel guilt for one thing only. I crossed a boundary a healthy boundary by accessing his email account. I have been bogged down by this, but he assures me that he did not change the password in hopes that I would enter. That frankly is no help because I was absolutely wrong and unethical in doing so. I do not regret inviting Steve back into my life, but I do regret in the manner in which I did this. I make no excuses and take full responsibility for doing so. I really don't even know how to take responsibility for it, but that is why I am in therapy to help me address these kinds of issues that arise in my life regardless of the intention.
I did have to readdress my boundaries about drinking and Steve. Before it was if you drink we are done and there will be no looking back. Today I realize that is not really going to happen with me at this time. So I have redefined that boundary as if Steve drinks I will be unable to share the same space until he sobers up and has gotten back on track. I can not afford to share space with an active alcoholic it is deadly to my well being and my life, literally.
Today I love him the best way I can taking full advantage of all my resources to make sure I take care of myself first above all else. Drunk I am useless to everyone around me, everyone who loves me, to Steve and worst to myself.
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