One Year Plan 2/5
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Work with my therapist on finding closure to a few issues I need to address is the second thing on my list and I believe it is vital for me to find closure on a few things. I have been doing that to an extent, but now we are going to go full force for the next 12 weeks and I don't really know what to expect.
Until now we have been working on how to deal with everyday stresses and putting out fires as they come. It's been a full time job with some very disheartening lows and inspiring self revolutions that land me on pink clouds, then pop until the next day. Today I am more stable than ever before. I don't have the constant unmanageability that the first step of AA discusses. Instead I am dealing with life as it occurs, what I am learning to do is work with the emotions arise without using drugs or alcohol to distract myself.
What is happening today is that my PTSD is causing problems with my natural instincts. At night I am having difficult sleeping because I have this overwhelming fear that someone is going to break in and hurt me. This of curse lies with my childhood traumas. Knowing it does not help with the problems. There are a few more things that show up like nightmares, always looking over my shoulder etc. These side effects are causing me great stress and so it is time they be dealt with so I don't have to rely on medication, a dog, a lover or anything outside of myself to feel safe. I want the safety of falling asleep I once enjoyed as a child.
So, starting Feb 3rd my therapist is going to work with me on dealing with my past and finding some relief or closure. I'm not really sure what it all entails, but it will be for 12 weeks. When he first suggested this therapy which includes feeling emotions that come up due to our past issues scared me a bit. I really had to think about this and if I was really ready to confront my past fears and terrors. Frankly, I am not sure, but I trust my therapist and he thinks I am ready. So, I will do it with great trepidation. To be real honest I had an our first appointment today and did not go. Part of it was fear of the unknown and having to look at things I don't know if I am ready to deal with even thought my therapist believes I am.
What frightens me the most is remembering things I have forgotten. I do not have many memories from my childhood and for good reason. I was once asked if my father had ever hit me and it was a legitimate question due to his alcoholic violent behavior toward my mother. My answer was a confident "no." About a week later I had a flash back of my father beating me over and over again with a belt as I tried to protect my body for the lashes of the leather strap. My brother had gotten injured and my mother took him to the hospital making the mistake of leaving me with my dad. He was so angry about it and he took his rage out on my body. When the memory came so did some old nightmares from my childhood. That is what I fear will arise from our work together, but I want to be mentally fit so I will do the work.
I do the work because I want to stay sober and be free of the pain that causes me to hurt myself over and over again. I do the work because I want a better life and I believe I have earned it. I do the work because I want to be happy and free of my demons. I do the work for those who love me and stood by me when I no longer could stand on my own.
I am doing the work.
Work with my therapist on finding closure to a few issues I need to address is the second thing on my list and I believe it is vital for me to find closure on a few things. I have been doing that to an extent, but now we are going to go full force for the next 12 weeks and I don't really know what to expect.
Until now we have been working on how to deal with everyday stresses and putting out fires as they come. It's been a full time job with some very disheartening lows and inspiring self revolutions that land me on pink clouds, then pop until the next day. Today I am more stable than ever before. I don't have the constant unmanageability that the first step of AA discusses. Instead I am dealing with life as it occurs, what I am learning to do is work with the emotions arise without using drugs or alcohol to distract myself.
What is happening today is that my PTSD is causing problems with my natural instincts. At night I am having difficult sleeping because I have this overwhelming fear that someone is going to break in and hurt me. This of curse lies with my childhood traumas. Knowing it does not help with the problems. There are a few more things that show up like nightmares, always looking over my shoulder etc. These side effects are causing me great stress and so it is time they be dealt with so I don't have to rely on medication, a dog, a lover or anything outside of myself to feel safe. I want the safety of falling asleep I once enjoyed as a child.
So, starting Feb 3rd my therapist is going to work with me on dealing with my past and finding some relief or closure. I'm not really sure what it all entails, but it will be for 12 weeks. When he first suggested this therapy which includes feeling emotions that come up due to our past issues scared me a bit. I really had to think about this and if I was really ready to confront my past fears and terrors. Frankly, I am not sure, but I trust my therapist and he thinks I am ready. So, I will do it with great trepidation. To be real honest I had an our first appointment today and did not go. Part of it was fear of the unknown and having to look at things I don't know if I am ready to deal with even thought my therapist believes I am.
What frightens me the most is remembering things I have forgotten. I do not have many memories from my childhood and for good reason. I was once asked if my father had ever hit me and it was a legitimate question due to his alcoholic violent behavior toward my mother. My answer was a confident "no." About a week later I had a flash back of my father beating me over and over again with a belt as I tried to protect my body for the lashes of the leather strap. My brother had gotten injured and my mother took him to the hospital making the mistake of leaving me with my dad. He was so angry about it and he took his rage out on my body. When the memory came so did some old nightmares from my childhood. That is what I fear will arise from our work together, but I want to be mentally fit so I will do the work.
I do the work because I want to stay sober and be free of the pain that causes me to hurt myself over and over again. I do the work because I want a better life and I believe I have earned it. I do the work because I want to be happy and free of my demons. I do the work for those who love me and stood by me when I no longer could stand on my own.
I am doing the work.
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