A Psychic Change?
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Being so comfortably happy is an odd luxury I never really experienced before. Yes I have experienced happiness many many times in my life, but I was always preceded by some type of event/action. When I was the first person in my family to tree graduated from college-there was the effort of going to school. When I fell for a guy there was the effort of accepting a date or asking someone out then going on the date. You get the picture of what I mean in that regard. What I am talking about is just appreciating life and enjoy it form the great achievements to the just sitting on a meditation cushion and being happy at the process of one's own breath.
Sometimes like today I catch myself at how much I really enjoy being alive and how really pay attention to my moments in life. For example, today I was in bed watching tv and I sat up, when I did I notice my dog, Precious, sitting on the floor relaxing. She looked up at me and I smiled and I felt joy arise from within. I reached over and began to pet her and like she always does she relaxed and allowed me to continue. I said to her, "I love you my precious little girl. I really do love you." I caught myself and started to think how different this was than before. How I really was enjoying myself being with her, being connected to another being and how it seemed so natural for me now than before.
I sat up and started to think about this and as I have been doing, I looked at my experience and started to analyze it. How did it feel before I recognize it? Did it change when I did notice it? Was it different than before my overdose? How was it different and so on. That is what lead to this blog and that I really needed to write it down because it is something that has been occurring with great frequency.
Then I remembered from an AA meeting I recently went to and the topic being a "psychic change". There were two newcomers and I wanted to share my experience if it seemed appropriate and no one else had touched my two bits. The topic was very intriguing to me and I started to think about what truly is a psychic change for an Alcoholic in recovery. The obvious answer is a spiritual awakening after doing the first 9 steps. I unfortunately never really truly experienced that kind of psychic change, which I believe is the reason I continued to relapse regardless of how hard I worked the 12 steps.
Then their is the kind I experienced and still dealing with. Death and physical trauma that causes a change of thinking and feeling with in me. I don't really know exactly what a psychic change is and frankly I think it does not really matter. All I know is what I am feeling and how I think today is so drastically different than before and I am so grateful for it. The peace of mind I have today is so unnatural for me and at times can cause me great pause, but at the end I just accept what is and have stopped questioning it. I don't have the answers, I just have mine and I am okay with it.
Being so comfortably happy is an odd luxury I never really experienced before. Yes I have experienced happiness many many times in my life, but I was always preceded by some type of event/action. When I was the first person in my family to tree graduated from college-there was the effort of going to school. When I fell for a guy there was the effort of accepting a date or asking someone out then going on the date. You get the picture of what I mean in that regard. What I am talking about is just appreciating life and enjoy it form the great achievements to the just sitting on a meditation cushion and being happy at the process of one's own breath.
Sometimes like today I catch myself at how much I really enjoy being alive and how really pay attention to my moments in life. For example, today I was in bed watching tv and I sat up, when I did I notice my dog, Precious, sitting on the floor relaxing. She looked up at me and I smiled and I felt joy arise from within. I reached over and began to pet her and like she always does she relaxed and allowed me to continue. I said to her, "I love you my precious little girl. I really do love you." I caught myself and started to think how different this was than before. How I really was enjoying myself being with her, being connected to another being and how it seemed so natural for me now than before.
I sat up and started to think about this and as I have been doing, I looked at my experience and started to analyze it. How did it feel before I recognize it? Did it change when I did notice it? Was it different than before my overdose? How was it different and so on. That is what lead to this blog and that I really needed to write it down because it is something that has been occurring with great frequency.
Then I remembered from an AA meeting I recently went to and the topic being a "psychic change". There were two newcomers and I wanted to share my experience if it seemed appropriate and no one else had touched my two bits. The topic was very intriguing to me and I started to think about what truly is a psychic change for an Alcoholic in recovery. The obvious answer is a spiritual awakening after doing the first 9 steps. I unfortunately never really truly experienced that kind of psychic change, which I believe is the reason I continued to relapse regardless of how hard I worked the 12 steps.
Then their is the kind I experienced and still dealing with. Death and physical trauma that causes a change of thinking and feeling with in me. I don't really know exactly what a psychic change is and frankly I think it does not really matter. All I know is what I am feeling and how I think today is so drastically different than before and I am so grateful for it. The peace of mind I have today is so unnatural for me and at times can cause me great pause, but at the end I just accept what is and have stopped questioning it. I don't have the answers, I just have mine and I am okay with it.
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