The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

. I had decided to write a one year plan that I would fallow until November 2011. One of my goals was to work on finding closure on some passed issues that may still be impacting me today. One of the first I decided to work on was my overdose this past July. First I must say that my therapist and other professional health providers call it a suicide attempt and I must admit that it bothers me greatly. I don't like the word and it causes a physical reaction when I have to say it or listen to someone use it in conjunction to my overdose. My therapist had me write about how it affected my identity, my family and my community. So I wrote a paper and really took my time and was as honest emotionally as I could. Then I went to see my therapist and shared my work. I can tell you now that when I had to hare about my family I cried at what I had done to them because of my actions. When I was done I asked him if I had closer and like any good therapist he asked me, "Do you?" My ...

. When in love with an active alcoholic and your trying to recover yourself chances of success are almost zero. In our case we fallowed the masses before us and I relapse soon after and left the Villa Serena where I was making great progress in my recovery and in self healing.  I wish I could say that we had a great whorl wind drunken love affair, but it was not. I was filled with a lot of pain, sadness, regret and worst of all violence. Steve had been homeless before arriving into the 28 day program and after his relapse he ended up in the exact same place as before. While I ended up falling further down and Steve was an anchor I did not want to let go of.  When I made the decision to stay with him I knew it was going to be a very difficult journey I just did not realize how emotionally painful it would eventually become and how far my addiction would end up taking me. It gets worse you just never know how much worse it would be until you look up and see Armageddon has hit ...

. Thanksgiving 2010 is different from every other Thanksgiving I have celebrated because today I understand the meaning of gratitude that comes from within. I have so much to be grateful for and so many people I am grateful to have in my life, but there are a few things that really stand out this year.  First, I am so grateful to be alive and doing well. It was only a few short months ago that I was on life support. In fact during that time I died twice and had to have my heart restarted to keep me here. I am grateful to the doctors and nurses who worked so hard to keep me alive even though my chances were dire. With out their intervention I would no longer be in this world. Second, for reconnecting with Steve and the off chance of our meeting to give us a second chance at love. Steve is an amazing human being who with his presence alone removes any self deprecating thoughts. I feel perfect just the way I am with him. I’m grateful that at 41 years of age I have the opportunity to...

. This is my first assignment outside of the 12 step work. So I decided to share it with you and see what happens.  I was in a group conscious meeting (a meeting where the members of an AA group come together to make decision for the group as a whole) and everything was going fine until I heard words never uttered to me in the 16 years I’ve been in AA.  The topic had come to Thanksgiving and what the group wanted to do. When the group decided to buy a turkey and tamales I raised my hand one more time and volunteered to cook the turkey and buy the tamales. Then the unexpected happened, a fellow member who has always been kind and loving turned around and in a timid joking manner said, “You will still be sober then?” I was taken aback by this comment and really did not know how to feel about it. I was absolutely confused by this persons comment which was very out of character. I told myself that she was kidding, which I believe, and to just let it go.  As the next couple...

. Love is a funny thing. I can cause a person to do things that would be an impossibility in an other situation. I'm one of those romantics that always wanted to find my soul mate and live my life in a house with 2.5 dogs and a white picked fence. I fell into a living mantra of "looking for the next best thing" which back fired repeatedly.  I have had 3 serious relationships that all failed for different reasons. Today I have fallen in love with a man who has issues of his own. I meet him in rehab that in itself says a lot. He is straight and I am openly gay and in the process of our 28 day program we became very close friends. I have never had a male friend who I shared intimate parts of my struggles and life. I have had friends that were gay men and women plus straight women who I shared those intimate parts of my struggles and life. So this relationship with Steve was completely new. I have always been acutely aware the straight male boundaries such as; don't look...

. Since leaving the hospital on September 17 I have been bombarded by so many emotions. I had to deal with trying to get physically capable of functioning everyday as I had before. I had an open stoma from a tracheostomy and a non-functioning feeding tube that was coiled and taped to my I stomach. I had three more weeks of looking down at my feeding tube which looked like a parasite of some sort. I am  memory issues, my short term memory was not functioning as profeciant like it was before my hospitalization. I also lost some memory that I had before the hospitalization. I have had to deal with how my actions have affected those who are closest to me. Then I had to try to deal with my own emotions and what I did to myself. And if that were not enough I was told my partner Steve had to leave and go home to Austin because he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer which is 97% fatal. Then to find out his is in San Antonio and healthy and doing well. I had to move in with my m...

. Six weeks out of the hospital, exact date September 17, 2010 and things are starting to get a bet confusing. After the experience of my first post dated December 9, 2009 most people think I  would be clean and sober 11 month now, but unfortunately that is not the case. Right when you think it can't possibly get any worse you look back and think not again. So what brought me back to drinking and doing drugs.  I'd like to blame something out of myself, but frankly I can't. So what that lead to the date of July 18? At its base it was self filled with insanity. The definition used in the room of AA for insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That is me in a nut shell thinking somehow it will be different this time. The situation I find myself in is always different, but feelings are always the same. So some how I convince myself that things will be different and they do get different, they get worse. So, what happened. I wish I n...