Mario
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Reconnecting with Mario has not been so easy this time. In fact is has been very difficult emotionally and spiritually for me. I find myself dealing with a lot of fear when I think how it is I am going to reconnect with my brother.
Things are not going well with Mario at least from my perspective. There was a time that my brother and I spend almost every Saturday or Sunday together, but now it just is not happening at all. Reconnecting with him has not gone as I had hoped it would as you could tell from my first entry. I really did not expect it to be very smooth or instantanious, but I did not think it would be this unsettling. In fact he has called me maybe twice since November and we have seen each other maybe 3 times. The worst was Christmas day when he came over to my sister house to drop off some presents for my nieces and nephew. He said maybe 4 or 5 words to me and left. I never felt so sad when it came to our relationship and I think that said everything about where we are in our relationship.
Back in November 2008 I decided that I needed to leave my brother alone. It was a very selfish act, but my brother had so many good memories of us together. Unfortunately as time has passed and my addiction has progressed the balance of pleasant memories was starting to shift and I was starting to fill my brothers memory bank with heartbreaking pleasant ending memories filled with emergency room visits, disappearances, treatment center and constant soap opera relapses. So I did what I thought was going to be a loving act, it was not. Stopping all communication with him probably did more damage than staying in touch with him.
Now, I find myself struggling to be okay with how distant we have become. I have invited him to a very important function, which he accepted. Unfortunately he was a no call no show. I tried to just let it be and pretend it did not matter to me, but that would be far from the truth. In fact it hurt deeply because it shows how detached he has become and I cannot blame him one bit. Before last year I do not believe he would not show up. I believe he would have picked me up, celebrated my day and taken me out to dinner.
Mario says that the day he picked me up and took me to the hospital did not faze him one bit. In retrospect I can see how detached he was and how strong he needed to be to keep me calm enough to get help. My actions have had a deep and profound impact on him and I do not believe he realizes it. But I surely see and defiantly feel it and it makes me sad to see how my addiction has affected him. I so hope I can rectify all the pains I have caused him and his lovely wife.
I miss him dearly and feel like I have lost him indefinitely. My biggest fear is that we will never be intimately close again and that he will always be waiting for my next relapse. I remember how he use to tell me some of the biggest and deepest secrets of his life and how that made me feel. That he could trust me and love me enough to be absolutely vulnerable with me that takes great love to do. I also miss being able to talk to him and having him support me and tell me just what I needed to hear to make it through whatever I was dealing with. What I miss most is the everyday things like playing video games together, going golfing, watching football (we even did a fantasy league once), going to the movies, and the list goes on. I am scared I won't see those days again.
I have talked with a relationship therapist here about maybe getting together with Mario and me and helping us get back on track. The idea of having to own up to my part and hearing the pains my brother has gone through because of me frightens me to no end. I don't know if I could bear hearing it without falling apart. I wish we could go back to the way it was without having to face any of my demons, but I think it is impossible without help or Mario's desire to do so. What if he doesn’t want to! What do I do then!!
So, I worked hard on my self and working hard to realize my part in how he is reacting to me at this time. I own a big part in it and just do not know how to proceed. Do I wait for him to call me, do I call him every couple of weeks and not bring any of the subjects up, do I write him a letter, do I call him and take the covers off the white elephant, do I, do I, do I...
I just want my brother back.
Reconnecting with Mario has not been so easy this time. In fact is has been very difficult emotionally and spiritually for me. I find myself dealing with a lot of fear when I think how it is I am going to reconnect with my brother.
Things are not going well with Mario at least from my perspective. There was a time that my brother and I spend almost every Saturday or Sunday together, but now it just is not happening at all. Reconnecting with him has not gone as I had hoped it would as you could tell from my first entry. I really did not expect it to be very smooth or instantanious, but I did not think it would be this unsettling. In fact he has called me maybe twice since November and we have seen each other maybe 3 times. The worst was Christmas day when he came over to my sister house to drop off some presents for my nieces and nephew. He said maybe 4 or 5 words to me and left. I never felt so sad when it came to our relationship and I think that said everything about where we are in our relationship.
Back in November 2008 I decided that I needed to leave my brother alone. It was a very selfish act, but my brother had so many good memories of us together. Unfortunately as time has passed and my addiction has progressed the balance of pleasant memories was starting to shift and I was starting to fill my brothers memory bank with heartbreaking pleasant ending memories filled with emergency room visits, disappearances, treatment center and constant soap opera relapses. So I did what I thought was going to be a loving act, it was not. Stopping all communication with him probably did more damage than staying in touch with him.
Now, I find myself struggling to be okay with how distant we have become. I have invited him to a very important function, which he accepted. Unfortunately he was a no call no show. I tried to just let it be and pretend it did not matter to me, but that would be far from the truth. In fact it hurt deeply because it shows how detached he has become and I cannot blame him one bit. Before last year I do not believe he would not show up. I believe he would have picked me up, celebrated my day and taken me out to dinner.
Mario says that the day he picked me up and took me to the hospital did not faze him one bit. In retrospect I can see how detached he was and how strong he needed to be to keep me calm enough to get help. My actions have had a deep and profound impact on him and I do not believe he realizes it. But I surely see and defiantly feel it and it makes me sad to see how my addiction has affected him. I so hope I can rectify all the pains I have caused him and his lovely wife.
I miss him dearly and feel like I have lost him indefinitely. My biggest fear is that we will never be intimately close again and that he will always be waiting for my next relapse. I remember how he use to tell me some of the biggest and deepest secrets of his life and how that made me feel. That he could trust me and love me enough to be absolutely vulnerable with me that takes great love to do. I also miss being able to talk to him and having him support me and tell me just what I needed to hear to make it through whatever I was dealing with. What I miss most is the everyday things like playing video games together, going golfing, watching football (we even did a fantasy league once), going to the movies, and the list goes on. I am scared I won't see those days again.
I have talked with a relationship therapist here about maybe getting together with Mario and me and helping us get back on track. The idea of having to own up to my part and hearing the pains my brother has gone through because of me frightens me to no end. I don't know if I could bear hearing it without falling apart. I wish we could go back to the way it was without having to face any of my demons, but I think it is impossible without help or Mario's desire to do so. What if he doesn’t want to! What do I do then!!
So, I worked hard on my self and working hard to realize my part in how he is reacting to me at this time. I own a big part in it and just do not know how to proceed. Do I wait for him to call me, do I call him every couple of weeks and not bring any of the subjects up, do I write him a letter, do I call him and take the covers off the white elephant, do I, do I, do I...
I just want my brother back.
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