...But I'm The Good One...
.
“Me, a drug addict and alcoholic? Really, but I’m the good one, the nice one, I’m the innocent one (sort of), it just doesn’t seem like I’m one of them an alcoholic and drug addict. “That is a thought that I have been struggling with since I came into the rooms of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). I just have a really hard time believing it. I intellectually know that I am an alcoholic and a drug addict and my years in and out of the rooms are proof of my struggles with mind-altering substances, but believing it is a different monster for me.
What is the difference between believing and knowing? Does it matter if there is? Frankly when it comes to distinguishing what I know and what I believe in regards to me being an alcoholic/drug addict is that I know I am and struggle to believe I am which causes me a lot of problems. What I have learned is Knowing is just having proof of what you know or just knowing something to be true without having to check it i.e. your name or mental arithmetic. Believing is admitting that you do not necessarily have sufficient proof to support your belief; so belief by its very nature for me has semblance of doubt. But I think for me and for many others believing something holds more power than knowing something.
So my dilemma is how do I get to believing I am an alcoholic and drug addict. What steps do I take to get to that point? I absolutely know I am, but I just can’t seem to admit to my inner most self as the Big Book of AA says I must that I am. If I had done so I do not believe I would have relapsed again and again or be writing this blog. I go to AA meetings and relate to what people are saying from how the first drink made them feel, to how alcohol and drugs worked for a time and then how it turned on them. I can also relate to how drinking made them feel in the beginning and then how it made them feel at the end when they wanted to stop, but found that left to their own devices they could not. I am able to relate to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous from Bill’s Story all the way through More About Alcoholism, There is a Solution, How it works and on. So why the struggle with Belief?!
I think for me it comes down to the idea that I really don't want to be one of those people. The idea that I can not control my drinking and that it leads me to using drugs makes me feel shameful and less than. I know that it is all ego and pride, but I find it very sad that I am one of those people. Also, I love the feeling of intoxication that mind-altering substances give me. The sense of self-confidence and joy it use to bring was my saving grace for a long time. It was what helped me function for a very long time and it made life more than bearable, it made it fun and enjoyable. Those days are long gone, but some how in my mind I still think it can happen. Sadly it only brings heartache and pain with a great deal of self-loathing, shame, remorse and worst of all despair.
I am working with my sponsor to get me to a point of believing, but I don't think I'll know that I have gotten there if it occurs. What I do know is that when I drink I drink like an alcoholic and when I drink it more times that not I use drugs. When I use and drink I use and drink like people in and out of recovery. The weird thing is I do not want to know what it is like to drink like "normal" people. I just don't get it. Why drink at all if your not going to get drunk or buzzed or feel better than when you purchased the first drink.
When it comes down to it. Right now I don't think it really matters if I know or believe if I am an alcoholic and drug addict. What is important is that I DON'T pick up the first drink/drug no matter what. It is important that I continue to work with my sponsor, therapist, go to meetings, help other etc. until the day I realize to my inner most self that I am and alcoholic and drug addict. That I come to believe I hope will just happen in due time if I continue to do the things I am asked to do.
This sounds so confusing and it is worse when I sit and try to analyze it all. The belief one day must come if I do intent to stay sober for a long time. Just so you know, I am just as confused as when I started this blog. I tempted to share it with my sponsor, but then again I do not really want to hear what is wrong with me. So I guess I should show it to her. So we will see if I do or not. I don't know what this says about me and my addictions, (I was gonna say ...but I know this... and stopped because I do know squat about this part of my recovery).
Confused, but willing.
“Me, a drug addict and alcoholic? Really, but I’m the good one, the nice one, I’m the innocent one (sort of), it just doesn’t seem like I’m one of them an alcoholic and drug addict. “That is a thought that I have been struggling with since I came into the rooms of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). I just have a really hard time believing it. I intellectually know that I am an alcoholic and a drug addict and my years in and out of the rooms are proof of my struggles with mind-altering substances, but believing it is a different monster for me.
What is the difference between believing and knowing? Does it matter if there is? Frankly when it comes to distinguishing what I know and what I believe in regards to me being an alcoholic/drug addict is that I know I am and struggle to believe I am which causes me a lot of problems. What I have learned is Knowing is just having proof of what you know or just knowing something to be true without having to check it i.e. your name or mental arithmetic. Believing is admitting that you do not necessarily have sufficient proof to support your belief; so belief by its very nature for me has semblance of doubt. But I think for me and for many others believing something holds more power than knowing something.
So my dilemma is how do I get to believing I am an alcoholic and drug addict. What steps do I take to get to that point? I absolutely know I am, but I just can’t seem to admit to my inner most self as the Big Book of AA says I must that I am. If I had done so I do not believe I would have relapsed again and again or be writing this blog. I go to AA meetings and relate to what people are saying from how the first drink made them feel, to how alcohol and drugs worked for a time and then how it turned on them. I can also relate to how drinking made them feel in the beginning and then how it made them feel at the end when they wanted to stop, but found that left to their own devices they could not. I am able to relate to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous from Bill’s Story all the way through More About Alcoholism, There is a Solution, How it works and on. So why the struggle with Belief?!
I think for me it comes down to the idea that I really don't want to be one of those people. The idea that I can not control my drinking and that it leads me to using drugs makes me feel shameful and less than. I know that it is all ego and pride, but I find it very sad that I am one of those people. Also, I love the feeling of intoxication that mind-altering substances give me. The sense of self-confidence and joy it use to bring was my saving grace for a long time. It was what helped me function for a very long time and it made life more than bearable, it made it fun and enjoyable. Those days are long gone, but some how in my mind I still think it can happen. Sadly it only brings heartache and pain with a great deal of self-loathing, shame, remorse and worst of all despair.
I am working with my sponsor to get me to a point of believing, but I don't think I'll know that I have gotten there if it occurs. What I do know is that when I drink I drink like an alcoholic and when I drink it more times that not I use drugs. When I use and drink I use and drink like people in and out of recovery. The weird thing is I do not want to know what it is like to drink like "normal" people. I just don't get it. Why drink at all if your not going to get drunk or buzzed or feel better than when you purchased the first drink.
When it comes down to it. Right now I don't think it really matters if I know or believe if I am an alcoholic and drug addict. What is important is that I DON'T pick up the first drink/drug no matter what. It is important that I continue to work with my sponsor, therapist, go to meetings, help other etc. until the day I realize to my inner most self that I am and alcoholic and drug addict. That I come to believe I hope will just happen in due time if I continue to do the things I am asked to do.
This sounds so confusing and it is worse when I sit and try to analyze it all. The belief one day must come if I do intent to stay sober for a long time. Just so you know, I am just as confused as when I started this blog. I tempted to share it with my sponsor, but then again I do not really want to hear what is wrong with me. So I guess I should show it to her. So we will see if I do or not. I don't know what this says about me and my addictions, (I was gonna say ...but I know this... and stopped because I do know squat about this part of my recovery).
Confused, but willing.
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