Mario II
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I had gone to speak with my relationship therapist in regards to my relationship with my brother. She made some things very clear to me, such as what my brother was saying to me when he did not show up for my Refuge Ceremony in becoming a Buddhist. Basically he was saying "No, I will not be a part of your life right now." In essence he was saying "Fuck You." So when we did this work I became very sad because I myself did not really realize how damaged our relationship was. In our session the veil in which I use to help me protect my emotions was removed and not only was I to see clearly what has happened to our relationship in the past year, but I was to also feel the devastating loss of what was an awesome relationship that had now sailed away out of my control.
I went to my counselor because I really want to make things right and what I found out is that I have to help my brother heal the pains of my addiction and how it has impacted him. So first I must think of his well being and help him reach a place of healing before I can think of building our relationship to where it was once was, if that is even possible. Then when the healing has occurred may I start looking and healing the relationship between us both. I must say when I heard that it caused a great break from within to realize how much damage I have done to one I loved. A huge part of me said "YES! Let’s do help my brother heal for his sake." On the flip side a part of me screamed "What about me?! What of my healing and needing my brother back." Selfish I know. What I know is I love my brother and I want him happy above all, with me in his life or not.
So my instructions were to call and just say hello and ask for nothing and allow him do decide which way our relationship will go until he is healed from the side effects of my addiction. See I want things to be ok right NOW and patience is not a virtue I hold with ease, but must and will regardless of how it makes me feel. I love my brother enough to wait and wait and wait.
So I called him and things went better than I expected. He asked me how I was doing and I told him the truth. I asked him how things were with him and we had a nice conversation. Then he did what I did not expect. He invited me to lunch the next day and I was elated. Part of my instruction is to ask for nothing and do only what I was able to do emotionally and financially. I was fortunate enough to have some money so I told him lunch would be great. We said our goodbyes and hung up. I was very excited and extremely nervous about the next day and how things would go. I knew that I would have to act as if I were at ease with us together. In fact I know that I would be holding desperations at bay and maintained my composure regarding my deep desires for his forgiveness and love.
The next day came and I was ready for our lunch. I waited for his phone call that was not coming. So finally an hour after lunch time I called and left a message. Not one where I would sound sad, pathetic, angry, annoyed or a multitude of feelings that I could convey to him that I had been waiting by the phone to ring. Instead I just called and left a short friendly message. Then about 3 hours later he called and told me that his wife at the last second had decided to join a softball team and they were shopping for all the equipment she would need for the season. I pretended that it was okay and that it was no big deal. I asked about her and what they bought and a whole bunch of other questions about them and kept the topic off me.
I reality I was upset in a very sad way. Mario in the past never would behave in this manner. He would at least of called and told me his plans had changed. He would call because he is aware that I do wait for him and always has because I love spending time with him. I feel like an afterthought right now and am trying to just be patient and not get angry. I do not know if he is trying to give me a piece of my own medicine so I know how he felt this past year or what. Maybe I just have become a distant relative at this point and he has decided that I no longer am a priority and he need to focus on what is important to his well being right now.
So what I do now is I sit with my feelings, go speak with my therapist, continue to work my program and call again and hope that time will heal wounds that I am responsible for. I have no control over the situation or how Mario is dealing with me back in his life, but today I choose not to use of how I feel over it. I choose not to be powerless over my decisions and I choose to believe that if I continue to work on myself that I will one day be happy with or without Mario as a constant presence in my life.
I hope it with...
I had gone to speak with my relationship therapist in regards to my relationship with my brother. She made some things very clear to me, such as what my brother was saying to me when he did not show up for my Refuge Ceremony in becoming a Buddhist. Basically he was saying "No, I will not be a part of your life right now." In essence he was saying "Fuck You." So when we did this work I became very sad because I myself did not really realize how damaged our relationship was. In our session the veil in which I use to help me protect my emotions was removed and not only was I to see clearly what has happened to our relationship in the past year, but I was to also feel the devastating loss of what was an awesome relationship that had now sailed away out of my control.
I went to my counselor because I really want to make things right and what I found out is that I have to help my brother heal the pains of my addiction and how it has impacted him. So first I must think of his well being and help him reach a place of healing before I can think of building our relationship to where it was once was, if that is even possible. Then when the healing has occurred may I start looking and healing the relationship between us both. I must say when I heard that it caused a great break from within to realize how much damage I have done to one I loved. A huge part of me said "YES! Let’s do help my brother heal for his sake." On the flip side a part of me screamed "What about me?! What of my healing and needing my brother back." Selfish I know. What I know is I love my brother and I want him happy above all, with me in his life or not.
So my instructions were to call and just say hello and ask for nothing and allow him do decide which way our relationship will go until he is healed from the side effects of my addiction. See I want things to be ok right NOW and patience is not a virtue I hold with ease, but must and will regardless of how it makes me feel. I love my brother enough to wait and wait and wait.
So I called him and things went better than I expected. He asked me how I was doing and I told him the truth. I asked him how things were with him and we had a nice conversation. Then he did what I did not expect. He invited me to lunch the next day and I was elated. Part of my instruction is to ask for nothing and do only what I was able to do emotionally and financially. I was fortunate enough to have some money so I told him lunch would be great. We said our goodbyes and hung up. I was very excited and extremely nervous about the next day and how things would go. I knew that I would have to act as if I were at ease with us together. In fact I know that I would be holding desperations at bay and maintained my composure regarding my deep desires for his forgiveness and love.
The next day came and I was ready for our lunch. I waited for his phone call that was not coming. So finally an hour after lunch time I called and left a message. Not one where I would sound sad, pathetic, angry, annoyed or a multitude of feelings that I could convey to him that I had been waiting by the phone to ring. Instead I just called and left a short friendly message. Then about 3 hours later he called and told me that his wife at the last second had decided to join a softball team and they were shopping for all the equipment she would need for the season. I pretended that it was okay and that it was no big deal. I asked about her and what they bought and a whole bunch of other questions about them and kept the topic off me.
I reality I was upset in a very sad way. Mario in the past never would behave in this manner. He would at least of called and told me his plans had changed. He would call because he is aware that I do wait for him and always has because I love spending time with him. I feel like an afterthought right now and am trying to just be patient and not get angry. I do not know if he is trying to give me a piece of my own medicine so I know how he felt this past year or what. Maybe I just have become a distant relative at this point and he has decided that I no longer am a priority and he need to focus on what is important to his well being right now.
So what I do now is I sit with my feelings, go speak with my therapist, continue to work my program and call again and hope that time will heal wounds that I am responsible for. I have no control over the situation or how Mario is dealing with me back in his life, but today I choose not to use of how I feel over it. I choose not to be powerless over my decisions and I choose to believe that if I continue to work on myself that I will one day be happy with or without Mario as a constant presence in my life.
I hope it with...
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