Finding My Spiritual Path
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Well it has taken 40 years to find my place in spirituality and finally I can say I have found the path that fits my spiritual needs. I was brought up Catholic and thought nothing of it until I started to realize that I liked other boys and that I was going to hell. That I was scum, unwanted, condemned and terrorized by a faith I was to use as a support system to get me through my trials and tribulations. Things got so bad that one afternoon I had decided I would have to end my life, but someone stepped in and helped me see that there were other choices. Ironically that person was a Catholic priest in the military who understood my plight. With his help I was able to finally accept who I was and that I was worth more that what people of faith said I was. For that I am grateful and fortunate to still be here.
For years after I tried to have a better connection with a Catholic God as I was taught, but could never seem to make that deep inner faith connection. Years later I entered the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and learned I could have a relationship of a God of my understanding. This did help me in breaking away from the Catholic conditioning that occurred during my youth. Still I did struggle to find a God of my understanding that could help me get through the tough times. There was a time that things would get complicated with this Higher Power (HP) I was trying to cultivate. My mother a devout religious catholic would just grate my last nerve so I would have to pray to my God to help me with her God, crazy. But as the years passed I never had that the sense of tranquility I saw others have when working with a God of their understanding. I would look at my mother often when she was deep in prayer or doing her rosary beads and wondering what was it that she was getting from her God that I was not getting from my HP. I knew her God worked for her because she has had a difficult life and still seamed to be happy and sane.
While working with my sponsor on the 3rd AA step I had a break through. I had been constantly working on this step for a few months. I did not want to leave continue to the 4th step until I know I had found something spiritual that worked. After 14 years of being in AA and working as hard as I could I still had no true pure connection to a HP. In the last 4 - 5 years I knew or felt that the 3rd step was vital if I were to be successful in maintaining sobriety. I had been using Alcoholics Anonymous as my HP to show me that there was something greater than me to help me stay sober, Step 2. Then one evening I went to a meeting and mentioned Buddhism for some reason and my struggles with Step 3 and a HP of my understanding. After the meeting a woman approached me and invited me to a Buddhist Center the next day. I agreed to go and check it out besides what did I have to loose.
It was what I had been searching for since I was a child. When I entered the building I had this great sense of relief that still held doubt from all the years of being brutalized by religion. I stayed learned how to meditate and asked a bunch of questions. Then when they were ready to close a member of the Buddhist community named Travis stayed after closing for another 2 hours to just sit with me and talk. As I walked out of the doors I knew I had found something special and that I was going to return.
With that one evening I found my spiritual home, The San Antonio Shambhala Center. In the next several months I took the Shambhala teaching levels 1 - 5 and some additional Buddhist classes. I found a great meditation instructor (MI), Doria. I started to do peaceful abiding meditation frequently as well as read Dharma books, listen to pod cast on Buddhist teachings, relying on the sanga (Buddhist community) for support and....
What struck me the most is that when I look back in my life and how I struggled with my faith is that I believe today is I have always been a Buddhist. I remember at a very young age of about 11 or 12 years old meditating. I did not know that is what I was doing, but I would lay in my bed and pretend to be dead (I did not know what else to call it). I would hold my breath and focus on my body and allow all thoughts to disappear. Every time a thought would come up I would refocus back to my some body part until I could not hold my breath. I know, weird, but it worked and I did it often.
Also, when my mother finally divorced my father when I was about 12 I remember praying to God. We had been through a lot and I did not want my family to have to suffer any more, so I prayed to God. I had forgotten this memory until recently I prayed, “God, if you let my family be happy I will take all their suffering.” And that was it. I do not know why I did that prayer or how I knew to use the word suffering, but I did. This type of prayer in the Buddhist tradition is like a Bodisattva Vow. Where Buddhist vow to return until all sentient being are free from suffering and are enlightened.
Then, I remember how I felt the first time I saw the Dalai Lama. I was so taken by him and paid attention to everything he was saying and doing. I do not really remember what was said, but I remember really wanting to listen because what he was saying or going to say was very important and I needed to hear it. Since that moment I have always had a special connection to him. I have no reason to know why he strikes me so deeply other than that I am suppose to.
The idea of taking Refugee (publicly committing to the Buddhist path) called to me the moment I heard of it. I also know my tendencies to fall into things very rapidly and so I had to take this slower than I normally would. I had no doubts I was going to take Refugee, but I made the decision to wait a while before doing so. When the time came for me to sign up I had no reservations what so ever and did so immediately.
I know this path is the path I am suppose to be on and I am looking forward to the Refugee interview and ceremony. There are only a few things in my life that have felt so absolute and I am grateful to have found one more.
The path has been layed.
Well it has taken 40 years to find my place in spirituality and finally I can say I have found the path that fits my spiritual needs. I was brought up Catholic and thought nothing of it until I started to realize that I liked other boys and that I was going to hell. That I was scum, unwanted, condemned and terrorized by a faith I was to use as a support system to get me through my trials and tribulations. Things got so bad that one afternoon I had decided I would have to end my life, but someone stepped in and helped me see that there were other choices. Ironically that person was a Catholic priest in the military who understood my plight. With his help I was able to finally accept who I was and that I was worth more that what people of faith said I was. For that I am grateful and fortunate to still be here.
For years after I tried to have a better connection with a Catholic God as I was taught, but could never seem to make that deep inner faith connection. Years later I entered the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and learned I could have a relationship of a God of my understanding. This did help me in breaking away from the Catholic conditioning that occurred during my youth. Still I did struggle to find a God of my understanding that could help me get through the tough times. There was a time that things would get complicated with this Higher Power (HP) I was trying to cultivate. My mother a devout religious catholic would just grate my last nerve so I would have to pray to my God to help me with her God, crazy. But as the years passed I never had that the sense of tranquility I saw others have when working with a God of their understanding. I would look at my mother often when she was deep in prayer or doing her rosary beads and wondering what was it that she was getting from her God that I was not getting from my HP. I knew her God worked for her because she has had a difficult life and still seamed to be happy and sane.
While working with my sponsor on the 3rd AA step I had a break through. I had been constantly working on this step for a few months. I did not want to leave continue to the 4th step until I know I had found something spiritual that worked. After 14 years of being in AA and working as hard as I could I still had no true pure connection to a HP. In the last 4 - 5 years I knew or felt that the 3rd step was vital if I were to be successful in maintaining sobriety. I had been using Alcoholics Anonymous as my HP to show me that there was something greater than me to help me stay sober, Step 2. Then one evening I went to a meeting and mentioned Buddhism for some reason and my struggles with Step 3 and a HP of my understanding. After the meeting a woman approached me and invited me to a Buddhist Center the next day. I agreed to go and check it out besides what did I have to loose.
It was what I had been searching for since I was a child. When I entered the building I had this great sense of relief that still held doubt from all the years of being brutalized by religion. I stayed learned how to meditate and asked a bunch of questions. Then when they were ready to close a member of the Buddhist community named Travis stayed after closing for another 2 hours to just sit with me and talk. As I walked out of the doors I knew I had found something special and that I was going to return.
With that one evening I found my spiritual home, The San Antonio Shambhala Center. In the next several months I took the Shambhala teaching levels 1 - 5 and some additional Buddhist classes. I found a great meditation instructor (MI), Doria. I started to do peaceful abiding meditation frequently as well as read Dharma books, listen to pod cast on Buddhist teachings, relying on the sanga (Buddhist community) for support and....
What struck me the most is that when I look back in my life and how I struggled with my faith is that I believe today is I have always been a Buddhist. I remember at a very young age of about 11 or 12 years old meditating. I did not know that is what I was doing, but I would lay in my bed and pretend to be dead (I did not know what else to call it). I would hold my breath and focus on my body and allow all thoughts to disappear. Every time a thought would come up I would refocus back to my some body part until I could not hold my breath. I know, weird, but it worked and I did it often.
Also, when my mother finally divorced my father when I was about 12 I remember praying to God. We had been through a lot and I did not want my family to have to suffer any more, so I prayed to God. I had forgotten this memory until recently I prayed, “God, if you let my family be happy I will take all their suffering.” And that was it. I do not know why I did that prayer or how I knew to use the word suffering, but I did. This type of prayer in the Buddhist tradition is like a Bodisattva Vow. Where Buddhist vow to return until all sentient being are free from suffering and are enlightened.
Then, I remember how I felt the first time I saw the Dalai Lama. I was so taken by him and paid attention to everything he was saying and doing. I do not really remember what was said, but I remember really wanting to listen because what he was saying or going to say was very important and I needed to hear it. Since that moment I have always had a special connection to him. I have no reason to know why he strikes me so deeply other than that I am suppose to.
The idea of taking Refugee (publicly committing to the Buddhist path) called to me the moment I heard of it. I also know my tendencies to fall into things very rapidly and so I had to take this slower than I normally would. I had no doubts I was going to take Refugee, but I made the decision to wait a while before doing so. When the time came for me to sign up I had no reservations what so ever and did so immediately.
I know this path is the path I am suppose to be on and I am looking forward to the Refugee interview and ceremony. There are only a few things in my life that have felt so absolute and I am grateful to have found one more.
The path has been layed.
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