28 Days Later...
.
As I entered the 28 day treatment center 28 days ago I was angry, frustrated, sad and broken. I was so broken I was unable to see past my despair, I couldn't see past any of my emotions. Bringing hope back was just something I could even fathom. My spirit had been beaten to a dull thud and my mind had been securely shut. Here I was on day one and I did not want any part of what anyone had. I just did see how another treatment center was going to make things better. I was told to come in with an open heart and to listen as if it were the first time, that was going to be a challenge of great proportions. So with the fading desire to live (really) I held on and tried to be open-minded.
So when I meet Juan, another client, I was distant, apathetic, detached. I was lead around and informed of the facilities and the actual 28 day treatment program from a patient perspective. My body language and facial expressions plus my lack of engagement was a clear indicator to all to stay away and they heeded my warning. Even with my bad attitude and standoffish demeanor everyone was very patience and very nice which was a new experience for me in a treatment center. Most people in treatment are far from nice in fact it is every man for himself. Also, my experience showed that most people would be so self involved that I would not have been noticed until I happen to take some attention away from them and their self centered minds, a trait I share with most if not all addicts/alcoholics. The staff as well were kind and compassionate to a fault, my resistance to feeling better did not last 48 hours. I opened up and started sharing where I was and how I was feeling. I was feeling vulnerable to the idea that this could work. I was afraid to hope that hope could be a part of my life again in a way that kept and alcoholic moving forward. I had worked so hard in the past and did not see how things could be different, but they were and I was starting to see it in two days time. It is amazing how loving kindness can break through the most hurt and hardened individuals. Maybe just maybe things could work out, permanently.
Another turning point had occurred with a friend I had called. I was very upset and getting depressed by every thought that crossed my mind. I was falling into the poor pitiful me's and was resting on my cross when my friend had enough. I am not accustom to having people speak to me in a very harsh manner much less listening to them when they are doing it. But I had been beaten enough by my addiction and was experiencing enough pain that I listened to every word. I was basically told to cowboy it up and take the reins and start moving forward. Life is not fair and it does not owe me a thing and if I continued with this attitude I was doomed to repeat my addictive ways. I could feel the love in such stern words and this also contributed to my emotional awakening. He was right and there was not a word I could say to rebut his. I for one of the few times in my life could admit and say, "you are right." (Yuk!) Sometimes love doesn't feel so good, but the intent is clear and it was sincere.
Some where along I started participating in the groups and became a part of rather than just a part. I had started taking an active role not only in my recovery, but the recovery of others. I had to contently be aware of myself and make sure that when I confronted the addict in each person here that I was doing so not at the expense of avoiding looking at my own addictive road blocks. There was one person in particular who really was aggressive and complained about everything. This person was a major hypocrite because he/she would say one thing complain about a particular behavior then partake in the the same exact behavior the same day if not within the same session. I was so irritated by this person that I really had to sit with my emotions and find where this discomfort originated within me. I really wanted this time to be different and to sink in and work. Fortunately I have over 400 Dharma teachings (Buddhist Studies) on my ipod and happen to find one titled "Intentions" which fit my predicament with this other addict. At that moment I found my first true Buddhist dharma inspiration to practice. I would start looking at my intentions when I wanted to speak or act towards another person and only take action when my intentions were aligned with loving kindness and compassion. This irritating addict would become my greatest teacher during our stay here together. When my intentions were aligned with my basic goodness and theirs I addressed this person. It was tough and very uncomfortable to come from a place of kindness and compassion. I felt vulnerable and weak, but instead I found it was a place of stregnth. We were able to resolve our differences and came to rely on each others kindness. We still see each other and embrace with true sincerity.
As the days passed so did my emotions. They would come in waves and I found them to be very difficult to manage. There were some days that my emotional swings would send me tail-spinning out of control. On one particular day was able to identify seven distinct emotions in a 2.5 hour time period. Needless to say I broke and had to isolate myself as to not transfer my instability to an innocent victim. I cried and felt ashamed that so many people were able to see me so distraught. I felt so embarrassed by my inability to keep my emotions under control for not being able to keep it private. So I went sleep for 11 hours and made a few apologizes to those who I was short with. Things are not a lot better today, but I am sober and I am facing my emotions. I now try to sit with them and see where they take me and see here they come from. At times this seems counter productive, but it is what I have to do if I intend to get better. This aspect of my life will be very important to learn how to manage if I do intend to stay sober. For the first time I feel committed to doing what is necessary to accomplish sobriety. I am so committed that I am finally willing to look at the things that need to be addressed from my past.
I would like to say that I am surprised that a bunch of solders from all branches have elected me Community Representative, but I am not. I do find it very interesting that Vietnam Vets, Desert Storm Vets, Iraq Vets would trust me so much to represent them, but I think it does show how others have such a different view of me than I have of myself. I would like to be able to see myself as others see me, but I also know that it would come with a price, but at this point I would pay it if it would help me stay sober. Of the five treatment centers I have been to this is the fourth time I have been elected Community Representative. Before this did feed my ego quite a bit to be an effeminate gay man and to be chosen from everyone else to be in charge. This time I was hoping not to be chosen, because I did not need the added responsibility and I was weary I would try to control everything. Fortunately what this did was provide me with another opportunity to take stock of myself and see how I would handle the situation. It also allowed me to see how I interact with others and found several things interesting about myself.
At the end of my 28 days I find myself in a very different place from day 1. It is hard to believe that from dire straights I could have such a change of perspective. I have a strong desire to get better and want to work hard to change the way I think which would in turn change the way I feel. I took a great leap with two of the therapist here and asked them what they thought about my coping skill and to help me identify the skills that work for me and the ones that are counter productive to my well being. I was very nervous in asking, but I know that I do not have the best seat in the house when it comes to me. I had to check my intentions in asking because this could easily be another ego feeding frenzy for myself, but after sitting and meditation on it my intentions were sincere. I also knew that I may not like what I heard, but I trusted these to therapist to have my best interest at heart and I was right.
After my meetings with both therapist it turns out I have a lot of work to do. The first therapist recognized that I detach from my own feeling often and try to heal myself by connecting with another persons pain and help them to work through there issues, which gives me a sense of healing for myself, True. I intellectualize my emotions and express them verbally to convey how I am feeling, True. The big shocker that took me out of my present state was when she in giving me feedback. She says "...and I can see you have so much pain in you...". Hearing those word just about brought out a painful cry from within, but suppressed it as my mind tried to register what I just heard. She is right, but I struggle to really identify where the cry wanting to come from. I think it came from the simple acknowledge meant that I am hurting and someone noticed, finally.
The second Therapist took a different perspective and looked at how I interact with others. She also, noticed how I connect with other peoples pain and use it to try to help myself, but her focus was more with my social skills. She noticed that I try to get everyone on the same page, but also tend to drive a wedge between myself and those I interact with, True. That I really work hard to make sure everyone has a voice and has a part in whatever activity we are involved in, True. I also am aware that I get the answerer's more quickly than others and instead of giving the answers I try to guild other by giving hints to help keep myself from taking over so I can be one of the guys, True. She also noticed that I do have a hard time not being the best at anything and when I am right on target struggle to hold back because I get excited that I got it and want everyone to know it, True. Then she noticed that I have a hard time letting go of things and that I like things to go a particular way because I think it is the best way to do it, in my opinion, True. Finally she said that she believed that these social skill are really meant to keep me emotionally safe and keep people at bay. That I want people to like me, but that I do not want people to get to know me to the point that they will become friends, I can see that.
So, moving into my next phase of treatment I have several things I need to work on if I intend to be successful in just functioning in a healthy manner that will support my sobriety. I need to start looking at the traumas of my past and work through them with a psychotherapist, which has been given to me. I also have to look at how my social skills can keep me from developing real meaningful friendships that can last me a life time.
So the real work begins....
As I entered the 28 day treatment center 28 days ago I was angry, frustrated, sad and broken. I was so broken I was unable to see past my despair, I couldn't see past any of my emotions. Bringing hope back was just something I could even fathom. My spirit had been beaten to a dull thud and my mind had been securely shut. Here I was on day one and I did not want any part of what anyone had. I just did see how another treatment center was going to make things better. I was told to come in with an open heart and to listen as if it were the first time, that was going to be a challenge of great proportions. So with the fading desire to live (really) I held on and tried to be open-minded.
So when I meet Juan, another client, I was distant, apathetic, detached. I was lead around and informed of the facilities and the actual 28 day treatment program from a patient perspective. My body language and facial expressions plus my lack of engagement was a clear indicator to all to stay away and they heeded my warning. Even with my bad attitude and standoffish demeanor everyone was very patience and very nice which was a new experience for me in a treatment center. Most people in treatment are far from nice in fact it is every man for himself. Also, my experience showed that most people would be so self involved that I would not have been noticed until I happen to take some attention away from them and their self centered minds, a trait I share with most if not all addicts/alcoholics. The staff as well were kind and compassionate to a fault, my resistance to feeling better did not last 48 hours. I opened up and started sharing where I was and how I was feeling. I was feeling vulnerable to the idea that this could work. I was afraid to hope that hope could be a part of my life again in a way that kept and alcoholic moving forward. I had worked so hard in the past and did not see how things could be different, but they were and I was starting to see it in two days time. It is amazing how loving kindness can break through the most hurt and hardened individuals. Maybe just maybe things could work out, permanently.
Another turning point had occurred with a friend I had called. I was very upset and getting depressed by every thought that crossed my mind. I was falling into the poor pitiful me's and was resting on my cross when my friend had enough. I am not accustom to having people speak to me in a very harsh manner much less listening to them when they are doing it. But I had been beaten enough by my addiction and was experiencing enough pain that I listened to every word. I was basically told to cowboy it up and take the reins and start moving forward. Life is not fair and it does not owe me a thing and if I continued with this attitude I was doomed to repeat my addictive ways. I could feel the love in such stern words and this also contributed to my emotional awakening. He was right and there was not a word I could say to rebut his. I for one of the few times in my life could admit and say, "you are right." (Yuk!) Sometimes love doesn't feel so good, but the intent is clear and it was sincere.
Some where along I started participating in the groups and became a part of rather than just a part. I had started taking an active role not only in my recovery, but the recovery of others. I had to contently be aware of myself and make sure that when I confronted the addict in each person here that I was doing so not at the expense of avoiding looking at my own addictive road blocks. There was one person in particular who really was aggressive and complained about everything. This person was a major hypocrite because he/she would say one thing complain about a particular behavior then partake in the the same exact behavior the same day if not within the same session. I was so irritated by this person that I really had to sit with my emotions and find where this discomfort originated within me. I really wanted this time to be different and to sink in and work. Fortunately I have over 400 Dharma teachings (Buddhist Studies) on my ipod and happen to find one titled "Intentions" which fit my predicament with this other addict. At that moment I found my first true Buddhist dharma inspiration to practice. I would start looking at my intentions when I wanted to speak or act towards another person and only take action when my intentions were aligned with loving kindness and compassion. This irritating addict would become my greatest teacher during our stay here together. When my intentions were aligned with my basic goodness and theirs I addressed this person. It was tough and very uncomfortable to come from a place of kindness and compassion. I felt vulnerable and weak, but instead I found it was a place of stregnth. We were able to resolve our differences and came to rely on each others kindness. We still see each other and embrace with true sincerity.
As the days passed so did my emotions. They would come in waves and I found them to be very difficult to manage. There were some days that my emotional swings would send me tail-spinning out of control. On one particular day was able to identify seven distinct emotions in a 2.5 hour time period. Needless to say I broke and had to isolate myself as to not transfer my instability to an innocent victim. I cried and felt ashamed that so many people were able to see me so distraught. I felt so embarrassed by my inability to keep my emotions under control for not being able to keep it private. So I went sleep for 11 hours and made a few apologizes to those who I was short with. Things are not a lot better today, but I am sober and I am facing my emotions. I now try to sit with them and see where they take me and see here they come from. At times this seems counter productive, but it is what I have to do if I intend to get better. This aspect of my life will be very important to learn how to manage if I do intend to stay sober. For the first time I feel committed to doing what is necessary to accomplish sobriety. I am so committed that I am finally willing to look at the things that need to be addressed from my past.
I would like to say that I am surprised that a bunch of solders from all branches have elected me Community Representative, but I am not. I do find it very interesting that Vietnam Vets, Desert Storm Vets, Iraq Vets would trust me so much to represent them, but I think it does show how others have such a different view of me than I have of myself. I would like to be able to see myself as others see me, but I also know that it would come with a price, but at this point I would pay it if it would help me stay sober. Of the five treatment centers I have been to this is the fourth time I have been elected Community Representative. Before this did feed my ego quite a bit to be an effeminate gay man and to be chosen from everyone else to be in charge. This time I was hoping not to be chosen, because I did not need the added responsibility and I was weary I would try to control everything. Fortunately what this did was provide me with another opportunity to take stock of myself and see how I would handle the situation. It also allowed me to see how I interact with others and found several things interesting about myself.
At the end of my 28 days I find myself in a very different place from day 1. It is hard to believe that from dire straights I could have such a change of perspective. I have a strong desire to get better and want to work hard to change the way I think which would in turn change the way I feel. I took a great leap with two of the therapist here and asked them what they thought about my coping skill and to help me identify the skills that work for me and the ones that are counter productive to my well being. I was very nervous in asking, but I know that I do not have the best seat in the house when it comes to me. I had to check my intentions in asking because this could easily be another ego feeding frenzy for myself, but after sitting and meditation on it my intentions were sincere. I also knew that I may not like what I heard, but I trusted these to therapist to have my best interest at heart and I was right.
After my meetings with both therapist it turns out I have a lot of work to do. The first therapist recognized that I detach from my own feeling often and try to heal myself by connecting with another persons pain and help them to work through there issues, which gives me a sense of healing for myself, True. I intellectualize my emotions and express them verbally to convey how I am feeling, True. The big shocker that took me out of my present state was when she in giving me feedback. She says "...and I can see you have so much pain in you...". Hearing those word just about brought out a painful cry from within, but suppressed it as my mind tried to register what I just heard. She is right, but I struggle to really identify where the cry wanting to come from. I think it came from the simple acknowledge meant that I am hurting and someone noticed, finally.
The second Therapist took a different perspective and looked at how I interact with others. She also, noticed how I connect with other peoples pain and use it to try to help myself, but her focus was more with my social skills. She noticed that I try to get everyone on the same page, but also tend to drive a wedge between myself and those I interact with, True. That I really work hard to make sure everyone has a voice and has a part in whatever activity we are involved in, True. I also am aware that I get the answerer's more quickly than others and instead of giving the answers I try to guild other by giving hints to help keep myself from taking over so I can be one of the guys, True. She also noticed that I do have a hard time not being the best at anything and when I am right on target struggle to hold back because I get excited that I got it and want everyone to know it, True. Then she noticed that I have a hard time letting go of things and that I like things to go a particular way because I think it is the best way to do it, in my opinion, True. Finally she said that she believed that these social skill are really meant to keep me emotionally safe and keep people at bay. That I want people to like me, but that I do not want people to get to know me to the point that they will become friends, I can see that.
So, moving into my next phase of treatment I have several things I need to work on if I intend to be successful in just functioning in a healthy manner that will support my sobriety. I need to start looking at the traumas of my past and work through them with a psychotherapist, which has been given to me. I also have to look at how my social skills can keep me from developing real meaningful friendships that can last me a life time.
So the real work begins....
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