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The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

After my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in May of 1995 I still find myself searching for the miracle of sobriety. I often hear "don't leave until the miracle happens" and I must say I am exhausted. It sounds ridiculous to think that a miracle is needed for me to attain sobriety, but after 14 years of trying, a progressive disease that has taken me to become close friends with a litany of drugs and a suicide attempt that is exactly what I need. This is my journey in search of that miracle.

Depression

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March 14, 2011

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Depression sucks. I'm in it and fortunately do not want to drink or use. I don't want to write, get up, bathe...

So, this is it.

Impermanence is my saving grace meaning This to Shall Pass.

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The True Miracle

May 30, 2013

. These last few months have been filled with ups and downs that are expected in the life of someone who is rebuilding their life after burning it down to the ground. The great thing about it all is that I have not found it necessary to avoid how life is making me feel by taking a drink or ingesting some drug. In fact, I have been able to sit with my emotions and lean into them in a way that actually reduces the discomfort they use to cause me. These last five moths have seen me face new challenges and fears to include my last semester in school on my way to earning a bachelors degree from Texas A&M - San Antonio. I took some on-line course I was deathly afraid of due to my lack of experience with them (I earned two A's). I also had to take a course based on statistics that required an experiment I had to develop, complete and write about (I earned an A). There were many obstacles I had to overcome, the biggest being my own mind and how it can try to convince me I am not ca...

These are the Miracles of AA

January 07, 2013

. The nights have been the most ardguious for me to manage. When the last meeting of the day is over. When my AA family is home living their lives. When the last phone call is made. The time will inevitably come when I find myself acutely aware of the silence, the loneliness, the heartache and I sit with it all. Not fighting, not questioning, not running away. I hold on to the deep resolve I have within for just one more second, one more minute, one more hour until it passes. Then, sometime in the night I fall asleep to wake up and go to one more meeting, meet one more AA friend, make one more call so when I find myself acutely aware I can make it one more day. These moments are the miracles of AA because right now I should be drunk or high running from my tender heart soaked feelings, but I'm imperfectly living it one moment at a time. I don't know where I'd be without the rooms and those who fill them. I've been listening to a lot of sad songs. It seems that I want...

26,373 Hours, 1,099 Days, 36.06 Months, or 3 Years Sober

August 17, 2014

. Regardless of how the time adds up it's a MIRACLE all the same. The 3 year mark from my last drink it a profound reminder of how fortunately I am to be alive and flourishing because of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. It took 15 continuous years of one (really hundereds) alcoholic reaching out to me to finally get it: The Miracle of Sobriety. Contentment was a state of mind I thought I wanted nothing to do with. In fact if I was not having a blast I thought I was loosing out on "living" life. How wrong I was!! When I heard or read "Don't leave Until the Miracle Happens" I thought it mean not obsessing or craving my next drink. Well, I was way off the mark. Contentment has been a huge realization that mimics the preverbal "pink cloud" newcomers talk about in meetings, but is much more satisfying and sustainable. I never realized what contentment was or even felt like until about 18 months ago and it has yet to dissipate. I also never realized...