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The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

After my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in May of 1995 I still find myself searching for the miracle of sobriety. I often hear "don't leave until the miracle happens" and I must say I am exhausted. It sounds ridiculous to think that a miracle is needed for me to attain sobriety, but after 14 years of trying, a progressive disease that has taken me to become close friends with a litany of drugs and a suicide attempt that is exactly what I need. This is my journey in search of that miracle.

Depression

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March 14, 2011

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Depression sucks. I'm in it and fortunately do not want to drink or use. I don't want to write, get up, bathe...

So, this is it.

Impermanence is my saving grace meaning This to Shall Pass.

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The Fellowship Has Sustained Me

August 24, 2014

. The last three days have been the most difficult in sobriety I have had to face. The fear and anxiety from my cancer diagnosis has been overwhelming. I don’t know why, but I feel awkward telling people what cancer I have, Carcinoma of the Anus, because of the location. Then again I don’t shy away from telling people when they ask because it is the truth. The research shows some good 5-year survivor rates for stage I and II, but they go down dramatically for stage IIIA and IIIB and the worst is stage 3, which is terminal. My cancer was described as invasive, which leads me to believe it is at least stage II.. I keep getting a sense of great foreboding that has me in tears daily. I keep reminding myself stay present because right here right now I am okay and have everything I need. As I have learned in AA, I have been going to a lot of meetings and sharing how I am staying sober through this. I am a strong believer of not dumping in meetings because how is that suppose to pr...

I Am Amazed!

August 27, 2011

. I was at a Big Book study about a month ago and we reading Bills Story when I had another truth reveled to me from Bill's own story. On page 4 last paragraph - Mercifully, no one could guess that I was to have no real employment for five years... It hit me like a freezing blast of wind, that's me I thought. Why had I not seen this before. I also had not foreseen not working for over two years in my profession. In fact I would not work at all due to my addiction and need to take care of myself first before I could even consider going back to work. The revelation was comforting in a odd way because it came from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was another indicator that I am all over the book and because of it the solutions must work for me too since it worked for so many others. What gave me hope in one day being accepted back into my profession was the story of the airline pilot who lost his license and through the work in AA he was given his license back and fly...

Our Hail Mary Pass

May 28, 2011

. I just left my therapist office and left felling worse off than when I went in. That really never happened before and it is because I had a better idea of how bad things are for me with Steve. Really it is that I am not getting it in the way a healthy person (person who has healthy boundaries) does. Then out of no where Steve calls and tells me he is done and ready to go into detox. I'm excited, but cautious because I just don't believe it, I just have hope for it. I am so glad he called because I did not think he really believes me when I say this is it. In fact my therapist does not believe it either, but that is okay. I know I'm done because I'm just too tired and my feelings are waining. I do not want to live the life I have been living with him another day, I just can't do it and I really like my life when "Drunk Steve" is not around. I arrive to pick him up, but before I leave I make sure we are on the same page. I don't want to leave with...