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The Prodigal Relapser: Grasping for the Miracle of Sobriety

After my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in May of 1995 I still find myself searching for the miracle of sobriety. I often hear "don't leave until the miracle happens" and I must say I am exhausted. It sounds ridiculous to think that a miracle is needed for me to attain sobriety, but after 14 years of trying, a progressive disease that has taken me to become close friends with a litany of drugs and a suicide attempt that is exactly what I need. This is my journey in search of that miracle.

Depression

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March 14, 2011

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Depression sucks. I'm in it and fortunately do not want to drink or use. I don't want to write, get up, bathe...

So, this is it.

Impermanence is my saving grace meaning This to Shall Pass.

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Comments

A Dream Come True, Sober.

March 29, 2011

. My last depressive phase really took a lot out of me and it affected my motivation. I really have not been motivated to write or do much of anything else in several weeks. On the other hand one of the greatest gifts that sobriety makes possible is it allows me to continue moving forward regardless of how I feel. So, when I booked my first workshop as a presenter I put myself on the line on so many fronts. I have been wanting to do a professional workshop for several years now and it was a big deal. The last time I tried I was not sober and the pressure got to me so bad that I went on a major binge that cost me the greatest job I ever had and caused a lot of people to deal with the consequences of believing in me. I hurt many people because of my drinking within my profession. That was back in January of 2009. I am a sign language interpreter and I am one of the 5% of Americans who love their job. I am also a recovering alcoholic who finally got it! Early on in my career I realized...

A Grieving Amends

January 07, 2011

. For several months now I have been filled with thoughts of Jo, Robyn and Debbie. Three wonderful and kind hearted women who became friends and were my employers. Because of my drinking and drugging I put them in a professional quandary in regards as what to do with a friend they really care about who is not living up to the professional standards that are required. Two of these women are aware of my addiction and have tried to work with me, but as only an addict can do I pushed them to the point of having to let me go. I created the situation and I was well aware what needed to occur I was just unaware of how much it would hurt to lose my positions I loved so dearly. So, for months and months I wanted to go and make amends to these women, but found myself unable to because of my addiction. I could not safely go and tell them one more time I was sorry without having something substantial that they would notice enough to be open to the idea that I not only meant it but, was going ...

The True Miracle

May 30, 2013

. These last few months have been filled with ups and downs that are expected in the life of someone who is rebuilding their life after burning it down to the ground. The great thing about it all is that I have not found it necessary to avoid how life is making me feel by taking a drink or ingesting some drug. In fact, I have been able to sit with my emotions and lean into them in a way that actually reduces the discomfort they use to cause me. These last five moths have seen me face new challenges and fears to include my last semester in school on my way to earning a bachelors degree from Texas A&M - San Antonio. I took some on-line course I was deathly afraid of due to my lack of experience with them (I earned two A's). I also had to take a course based on statistics that required an experiment I had to develop, complete and write about (I earned an A). There were many obstacles I had to overcome, the biggest being my own mind and how it can try to convince me I am not ca...