Are You Ok?

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I volunteered to work at my Buddhist Center and I had a time consuming while rewarding assignment, but I did not show up. An email from the center assistand director:

Hi Benny,

Betsy and David said that this past weekend went very well. They also mentioned that you never showed up and they were unable to get a hold of you. Are you okay? Please alleviate our concern :)

Take care,

Phil

I don't know why I responded, but this is what I wrote errors and all:

Phil,

no, i am not doing very well. I am of sound body, but my depression is getting worse and worse. No matter how hard I try to be okay, its not going so well.

It did not help that my mother would not let me stay at her home because she is a Christian woman and I am a sinner (gay). I have never felt so hurt by my own mom. she has always been a great supporter of me and my gayness until now. that is why i am not a christian especially a catholic.

i am so very sorry i missed this weekend. i would never do such a thing under normal circumstances, but i was literally unable to get myself together. i see my doc on wednesday and she will try to prescribe somthing to help, i hope.

i am so sorry to have let you down. i am unreliable right now and thought of just falling off the face of the earth. i am ashamed and embarred that i could not even show up for my sanga.

i am very sad. i'm trying to just be with it, but i find it difficult becasue it just wants to take me to some very scary places. i am safe and still here at the villa serena. i just got four book on buddhism and the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous.

You and Wendy have so much already to deal with. you did not need this. i no longer have a phone. i will call when i get another phone. i think i should stay away people have enough on thier plates as it is.

thank you for asking. if it were anyone else i would not have responded. i'm working hard to get better and again i am in a safe place.

benny

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