Willing to go to any length?

      "Benny, are you willing to go to any length to stay sober?" I do not remember the first time I was asked that question, but I do remember one particular time I was asked exact question. I was sitting across a very tiny, petite, beautiful, 70 year old woman who at the time had 30 years sober who later would become my sponsor. I was so desperate at the time that I said, "yes" without really contemplating what that really meant. I am grateful that I did not because if I had thought what that implied I do not know if I could have stayed. Because what I had to do during that time I worked with her was absolutely impossible and I did it for 1 year 5 months and 17 days. Then the second time I remember being asked was by a different sponsor, who had 20 years sober. He presented the question to me in a very different way. He asked, "Benny are you willing to take suggestions?" I was like, "Well, yeah I can follow suggestions." I am glad that I did not realize that was the same question as the one before and that I did not contemplate that question as well because if I had I do not know if I could have or would stayed. What ensued was an impossibility, but you know I was able to do it again, for a time.


     I was told of the 90 meetings in 90 days, of working with a sponsor, the 12 steps, of sharing solution in the meetings, to call another alcoholic, that its a program for people who want it not need it. I was told to find a home group, get in the middle of AA, to stick with the winners, that there was a solution (later I learned the was a whole chapter dedicated to The Solution), to get phone numbers and use them, to make the coffee, empty the ash trays, to chair meetings, to find a higher power (HP), to look for the similarities and not the differences, to feel my feelings and see where they take me, to not pick up that first drink (still a struggle with that one), work with the newcomer, to read the big book daily, that the big book is a text book so study it. I was also told, to lose old playmate and play grounds, never to get to hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT), to take it one day at a time, to think it thru, to pray for my higher power (HP) to keep me sober in the morning and to thank him/her when I go to bed sober, do the next right thing, to not drink between meetings, to listen to the message and not the messenger and I could go on and on to nauseam.

     What no one really ever told me what was meant by "going to any length" for my sobriety was that it included things that I alone would have to face . No one told me that I was going to have to feel my feelings in its truest rawest form. That at times I was going to have to feel not only one at a time but, I was to feel them all and at times all at the same time. No ever told me that many times I would have feelings that would jump out and mug me of what small serenity I was feeling. I be attacked by feelings that had no names to them because I have always drank them away before we had a chance to get to know each other. I was never told that I would have to drink gallons and gallons of caffeine in the forms of coffee, tea and soda. That I would have cases of Diet Coke and Big Red pilled up by my refrigerator or that I'd have cans of coffee in the cupboard accompanied by bottles of sweet flavored coffee creams like french vanilla, hazelnut and original flavor.. No one told me that sugar would become my new best friend! That I would go buy (I still do) Hershey Kisses with and without almonds, Skittles, Starburst, Snickers, Crunch Bars, Milky Way's, cookies, chocolate cake, lemon cake, carrot cake, chocolate milk, strawberry milk, ice cream: chocolate, rocky road, strawberry, raspberry swirl (hate raspberry, but ate it anyway), vanilla. I would buy Hostess cupcakes, powdered donuts, coconut donuts, Kristy Cream donuts (yum!), anything chocolate covered, peanut butter cookies, chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal raisin cookies, and more cookies. I even bought sugar cubes for an immediate hit to take the edge off the craving for something sweet when everything else was devoured. I did not know that my new best friend would sent me to the dermatologist or that with out it I would get cranky and edgy. Looking around a meeting and I see people indulging in sugar. No one told me that any length meant crying because I was alone and crying because I was not. Crying because I was angry, lonely, happy, sad, and because I would have a feeling of normalcy which felt so violently abnormal. No ever told me I would cry for no apparent reason and that it was okay. I was not told that I would have to end a relationship with the greatest love of my life to save my life. I was not told that I would become the most boring person in the world (my perception) and that boredom would become a staple in my everyday life which created more opportunities for crying and more crying. No one ever told me mundane decisions like picking out a new toothbrush or toothpaste would take on life threatening proportions, which would cause those with me to suppress there stress as to not push me over the always present edge. No one told me of the egg shells that were placed all around me when I stopped drinking and how everyone made sure not to step to hard and brake one. I do not know if today I was told of these things it would have made my journey any different.

      On a serious note. It is impossible for anyone to have told me what it meant for me because my journey is my own and I do not know what that anything is. So, looking forward which I should not do all I can say is I will continue to face my challenges. These challenges are really my anything’s that I have to do to stay sober. All I can hope is that it is not as difficult as it has been up to this point. If it could only be a little bit easier that would be nice, but cunts like me tend to bleed out, so I will not hold my breath. I will say that I believe that every challenge I face I am not the first to experience. Some have been able to continue with their sobriety while others went back to the depths of insanity. I also know that I never have to walk through them alone if I do as I am asked by those who went before me. So there is still hope for me.

     I was never told that sobriety was inevitable. In fact I was told that this disease was powerful, cunning and baffling and that it is a killer and I am fortunate to still be an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is true, but I must say that I do not feel it with joy, but with a deep resounding sigh because sobriety has been one losing battle after another. Either I will succeed or die trying and if I a say in it I would prefer to die sober and happy or sober and content or sober or not achingly miserable.

     It has began and I am still exhausted, day 25.