A well earned rant.
.
After 14 years of repeatedly enter Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting for another 24 hour (sobriety) chip, I think I have earned the right to rant this one time. I can not say that this tirade is justifiable or even healthy, but I feel I should share with you where I stand as I begin this journey one more fuck'in time. To say I am angry would be a tremendous understatement. There are other words like enraged, furious, incensed, inflamed, infuriated, irate, outraged, rabid, riled, roiled, sore, wrathful, wroth, cross, livid, seething, worked up, acrid, acrimonious, antagonistic, antipathetic, bitter, embittered, inimical, malevolent, rancorous, resentful, virulent, aggravated, annoyed, cantankerous, exasperated, ornery, and pugnacious that I could use to describe my acidic attitude at this moment. I also know that this feeling is about the best I can do with my frustration and bewilderment at my inability to sober.
You want to know what really pisses me off? Well I will tell you. Its when I see someone who is able to get it (sobriety), while I sit there working my ass of to stay sober one more day. Many types of people come in to the rooms and there are just as many different kinds of people who become successful in their sobriety. But what gets me the most is when some unlikely person who walks in gets a sobriety chip stays sober like it is the next logical course in their life; like yesterday they were 20 and today they are 21. You know the kind a person who no one would give a second thought to, but just like that successful. Oh!!!! That gets my goat more than anything else. There are several kinds of people that stand out. Those who shares in a meeting and makes little to no sense in the most aggravating fashion; the type that causes people to look to one another to make sure they are not only person confused. Then you have the angry person who does not nor do they ever intend to with work with a sponsor or do a single at the steps, but they have 20 years sober! Or the person who has only worked the first of the 12 steps and proudly shares this like they are better than those who have worked all 12, arghh! Then there is the "boo hooer" who sucks the life out of the meeting; they share how their life sucks all day every day and is manically depressed even though they are on several antidepressants, that kills me! My favorite is the one who share how they do not know why they are still sober because they want to drink every day and that they were much happier before, but they know their alcoholic and so they do not drink. These are members who have years of sobriety and it fuck'in annoys me to no end. The simple and bitter reason that I am angry is that they are sober and I am not. Granted I do not want anything they have and I do not believe I could live with that kind of sobriety, but I'm pissed anyway.
My second meeting of AA was at a different group three years after my first meeting. As of my last meeting at this group which was in August. A vast number of the regular members who attend I have seen walk in and maintain long term sobriety and several of those members now have double digits. Some were able to walk in and have not had a drink or drug since while others had some relapses and then were able to attain this miracle called sobriety. There is one other member who does suffer as I do, but his few years falls way short of my 14, but I am sure it feels very similar. Then you have the hundreds of other who have walked in and have disappeared, ended in jail or died from alcoholism, drug addiction or some tragic event directly tied to the two. I should consider myself one of the lucky, but I do not. How can I when there has been so much misery lived between those silver chips. Yes, I am pissed over that too because misery is not a good look for me. There are some people who can pull it off quite well and write books, direct movies, become famous in one way or another, but I'm not one of those people. Hmm, another reason to be bitter.
Why so much seething frustration? It is because I have worked my ass off and still I find myself picking up another silver chip at a meeting with these people who have the time I want. In fact there are many more who even have the kind of sobriety I want. I have done to the best of my knowledge as much if not more work on myself thru the 12 steps as those successful people have done, but to no avail. I have so many of the former examples that are constant reminders of my inability to succeed. I have collected so many coins I could pave my silver coined road all the way to The Wizard. Upon meeting this man I would not as for a brain (got it), a heart (got it), or courage(this one too) or my way home (don't have one). I would ask for the insanity of picking up that first drink or drug to simply cease. I know time is not a reliable marker for good sobriety, but I would be nice to have it anyway. Oh, just for clarity the longest amount of continuous sobriety I have been able to achieve is 1 year 5 months and 17 days which is a 9.5% success rate. 9.5%, wow that sucks when I look at it that way or I could say 90.5% failure rate if I wanted to be a bit more melodramatic. Another thing that gets me is when an AA member tells me I am one of the lucky ones because I keep coming back. I feels like I have heard that one sentence more than my own name, but unlike my name I would prefer never to have those words uttered to me again. I DO NOT feel like one of the lucky ones. I feel like the kid in middle school who gets his ass whooped by a personally appointed school bully whos name is Tiffany. It is a humbeling experience to have to walk in a room full of people who know how much I have struggle because they have seen me relapse from the day they walked in to their first meeting, that burns my ass.
I want to be clear that I do not wish anyone of these people to not have attained sobriey. In fact I am happy for them I am just very angry and agast that I am not one of those particular members. Most not all of these people I have welcomed, introduced myself and genuinly asked them to come back. Now they come up to me and welcome me back with complete sincerity and compassion (most not all of them), my immediate reaction is to want to tell them to fuck off because their kindheartedness and affection causes me to emotionally seize and it just makes me want to crying and it is the last thing I want to do in a meeting upon my not so maiden arrival. I also want to say that not everyone in AA is so kind and welcoming. In fact some have been down right indiffrent to smug. They seem to have this perception that I do not want to truely get sober because if I did I would have done it a long time ago. To these people I say consider your self touched by the hand of your Higher Power and from me, "shove your contempt, superiority and indignation right up your sugar plum droping bum."
I should and will qualify "working my ass off". Just keep coming back (barf).
It has begun, again. FUCK!
After 14 years of repeatedly enter Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting for another 24 hour (sobriety) chip, I think I have earned the right to rant this one time. I can not say that this tirade is justifiable or even healthy, but I feel I should share with you where I stand as I begin this journey one more fuck'in time. To say I am angry would be a tremendous understatement. There are other words like enraged, furious, incensed, inflamed, infuriated, irate, outraged, rabid, riled, roiled, sore, wrathful, wroth, cross, livid, seething, worked up, acrid, acrimonious, antagonistic, antipathetic, bitter, embittered, inimical, malevolent, rancorous, resentful, virulent, aggravated, annoyed, cantankerous, exasperated, ornery, and pugnacious that I could use to describe my acidic attitude at this moment. I also know that this feeling is about the best I can do with my frustration and bewilderment at my inability to sober.
You want to know what really pisses me off? Well I will tell you. Its when I see someone who is able to get it (sobriety), while I sit there working my ass of to stay sober one more day. Many types of people come in to the rooms and there are just as many different kinds of people who become successful in their sobriety. But what gets me the most is when some unlikely person who walks in gets a sobriety chip stays sober like it is the next logical course in their life; like yesterday they were 20 and today they are 21. You know the kind a person who no one would give a second thought to, but just like that successful. Oh!!!! That gets my goat more than anything else. There are several kinds of people that stand out. Those who shares in a meeting and makes little to no sense in the most aggravating fashion; the type that causes people to look to one another to make sure they are not only person confused. Then you have the angry person who does not nor do they ever intend to with work with a sponsor or do a single at the steps, but they have 20 years sober! Or the person who has only worked the first of the 12 steps and proudly shares this like they are better than those who have worked all 12, arghh! Then there is the "boo hooer" who sucks the life out of the meeting; they share how their life sucks all day every day and is manically depressed even though they are on several antidepressants, that kills me! My favorite is the one who share how they do not know why they are still sober because they want to drink every day and that they were much happier before, but they know their alcoholic and so they do not drink. These are members who have years of sobriety and it fuck'in annoys me to no end. The simple and bitter reason that I am angry is that they are sober and I am not. Granted I do not want anything they have and I do not believe I could live with that kind of sobriety, but I'm pissed anyway.
My second meeting of AA was at a different group three years after my first meeting. As of my last meeting at this group which was in August. A vast number of the regular members who attend I have seen walk in and maintain long term sobriety and several of those members now have double digits. Some were able to walk in and have not had a drink or drug since while others had some relapses and then were able to attain this miracle called sobriety. There is one other member who does suffer as I do, but his few years falls way short of my 14, but I am sure it feels very similar. Then you have the hundreds of other who have walked in and have disappeared, ended in jail or died from alcoholism, drug addiction or some tragic event directly tied to the two. I should consider myself one of the lucky, but I do not. How can I when there has been so much misery lived between those silver chips. Yes, I am pissed over that too because misery is not a good look for me. There are some people who can pull it off quite well and write books, direct movies, become famous in one way or another, but I'm not one of those people. Hmm, another reason to be bitter.
Why so much seething frustration? It is because I have worked my ass off and still I find myself picking up another silver chip at a meeting with these people who have the time I want. In fact there are many more who even have the kind of sobriety I want. I have done to the best of my knowledge as much if not more work on myself thru the 12 steps as those successful people have done, but to no avail. I have so many of the former examples that are constant reminders of my inability to succeed. I have collected so many coins I could pave my silver coined road all the way to The Wizard. Upon meeting this man I would not as for a brain (got it), a heart (got it), or courage(this one too) or my way home (don't have one). I would ask for the insanity of picking up that first drink or drug to simply cease. I know time is not a reliable marker for good sobriety, but I would be nice to have it anyway. Oh, just for clarity the longest amount of continuous sobriety I have been able to achieve is 1 year 5 months and 17 days which is a 9.5% success rate. 9.5%, wow that sucks when I look at it that way or I could say 90.5% failure rate if I wanted to be a bit more melodramatic. Another thing that gets me is when an AA member tells me I am one of the lucky ones because I keep coming back. I feels like I have heard that one sentence more than my own name, but unlike my name I would prefer never to have those words uttered to me again. I DO NOT feel like one of the lucky ones. I feel like the kid in middle school who gets his ass whooped by a personally appointed school bully whos name is Tiffany. It is a humbeling experience to have to walk in a room full of people who know how much I have struggle because they have seen me relapse from the day they walked in to their first meeting, that burns my ass.
I want to be clear that I do not wish anyone of these people to not have attained sobriey. In fact I am happy for them I am just very angry and agast that I am not one of those particular members. Most not all of these people I have welcomed, introduced myself and genuinly asked them to come back. Now they come up to me and welcome me back with complete sincerity and compassion (most not all of them), my immediate reaction is to want to tell them to fuck off because their kindheartedness and affection causes me to emotionally seize and it just makes me want to crying and it is the last thing I want to do in a meeting upon my not so maiden arrival. I also want to say that not everyone in AA is so kind and welcoming. In fact some have been down right indiffrent to smug. They seem to have this perception that I do not want to truely get sober because if I did I would have done it a long time ago. To these people I say consider your self touched by the hand of your Higher Power and from me, "shove your contempt, superiority and indignation right up your sugar plum droping bum."
I should and will qualify "working my ass off". Just keep coming back (barf).
It has begun, again. FUCK!
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