Steve, 16 Days Sober

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I knew Steve and I moving in together would bring challenges, but I just did not realize I would struggle with being more compassionate to Steve’s struggles. I remember how moody I was when I first tried to get sober. I remember the mood swings for no apparent reason, the strength of the emotions that would vertebrate through my body, the frustration at myself for not being able to control how I feel. I even remember the confusion at having so many emotions all at once and worse having emotions I did not have names for. So you would think I would be able to be okay with Steve’s struggles, but I find myself frustrated at my own limitations.
Generally I am okay with his emotional swings, but where I struggle is when he is okay and want to be a loving couple again. Of course that happens, but he wants it to happen instantly or on his time. This does not allow me the time to work with my emotions on my time and I am afraid if I do not go with the flow I will make him angry, frustrated or worse feel rejected. 
What I also have a difficult time dealing with how his anger manifest itself. From door slamming, fist clinching, teeth grinding, finger pointing, pushing me away reactions. I do not have the skill to manage these kinds of action. They make me feel inadequate because intellectually I get that these are his issues and I really have no control over them, but it makes me feel like I have to do something to make it better. I want to make it better so he can be happy and so he does not drink and so I can be happy too.
I am very much in love with this man and see myself with no one else. In fact when I am with him the love that wells up within is so palatable and makes me really see how much I do love him. I know he loves me and for the first time in my life I know another human being loves me as much as I love them. He wants the absolute best for me and really works hard to make it happen. Sometimes I feel I am not living up to my end of the bargain because if I was he would not be struggling so much, but that really is a lie. The truth is he has 16 days sober and he is just where he is suppose to be. 
I want a simple love affair. I would be happy with that and nothing more. What I do not want is a volatile relationship with many emotional highs and lows. I don’t think that would be good for my emotional health as well as my sobriety. Fortunately we are going to couples counseling. 
Today, I will work on being more compassionate to Steve and to myself.

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